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"Don't you see, Knight? My whole life, I literallylived for you. But that's not what I need anymore."
"But I...I love you, Tatiana. I can't be without you." He clasped my hand, the depth of his emotions evident in his eyes. "I love you."
The words I'd longed to hear my whole life, and yet...it wasn't enough.
"You say that you love me but I...I...," I suddenly realized the truth. "I don't believe you."
"How? How can you say that? I've never told anyone I loved them. Not my mom or dad, or even Coulter. I killed family for you--killed Pablo after I found out that he sold you to that man. For you, Tati. For you. Only you."
"Then why? Why Knight? Why leave me?"
"I don't know," his eyes moved over my face, as if searching for the answers within it, his throat bobbing. "I was a coward."
"That's not an excuse."
"But it's the truth. I thought I could never love you like you deserved. Ever since I was a kid, I made a promise that I would never become my parents. They hated each other. And I didn't want that to become you and me. And I realized how much I loved you, that I would do anything for you, that I would kill for you. And that scared the shit out of me."
"Why?"
"Because I didn't trust you."
I inhaled a sharp breath, pain shooting through me.
"But it wasn't just you, Tatiana. I didn't trust anyone. Not my parents, they were the first to teach me that people are selfish and you can't rely on anyone. I didn't trust my friends, they only wanted me for what I could give them. And I... I've only come to realize lately that I didn't even trust Coulter or Dante or Bourbon like I should. I didn't trust you and I didn't even trustmyself. Because I thought that I would betray you like my parents betrayed each other. Like they forced me to betray Rook. That if I came back for you, I would betray you, too. Worse than I already had. And I couldn't do that. I didn't want us to grow old, hating and cheating on each other. I thought...I thought if I left you when you were old enough, that you would find someone. Someone better than me. Because I was a terrible person--I betrayed everyone I loved and I couldn't stop myself! I was weak and selfish. Always doing what was best for me. I was a coward. But I know the truth now. I should've trusted you, and my family, and Rook. I know better now. And I'll change, because I love you, Tatiana. I love you and never want to let you go."
"Knight, you can't keep me caged up." My voice was soft, but firm. And I ached. God, I ached inside. Despite everything I had gone through with Manuel, or my parents, this,THIS!was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. To walk away from the man I loved, finally giving himself to me, in order to truly be happy. "I need to find myself. To know who I am without anyone, to be my own self."
"No," the ragged edges of his voice cut through my heart. I couldfeelhis pain in his words. "No."
"Please understand," I couldn't hide my own agony bleeding through my voice, "I need to look in the mirror and not want to die."
A small inhale, eyes wide, staring at me in surprise. Beautiful creek-brown eyes that I'd loved from the moment I'd seen them. Even as a child, I'd loved Knight. That would never change.
And yet...
And yet, I needed to love myself more than I loved him. And, until that happened, I could never truly love another.
"But. I can help you."
"No," I shook my head. "No. You can't. I can't rely on anyone else."
"Okay," he kissed my forehead. "Okay. I understand. If you need this, I'll give it to you."
"No you won't." It slipped out. I'd opened my heart tonight. Bore myself to him and couldn't stop the thoughts and feelings from bleeding through me. "You'll abandon me the minute I walk away." My voice was choking, pain tearing into my heart. "You won't fight for me."
I was so afraid. I was afraid because we'd been here before. I needed to find myself but I also needed him to miss me. To be there for me when I was ready.
But I knew he wouldn't.
God, how many times had I seen it happen in the past? All the women at the clubs, with desperate gazes at the man who never gave his heart away.
He'd done it to me before, he would do it again.
"I will. I'll be here when you're ready."
"I'm never getting married.Remember you said that to me?"
"I was a kid!"