Page 36 of Too Good to Be True

Seth

A s I enter the courtroom, Rowan stands up immediately. “Hi.”

“Good morning.” I take my seat, and Rowan mimics my gesture.

“I tried to call.”

I try to ignore him, though it’s not easy. I missed him so much. I was tempted to rip my heart out of my chest to stop feeling this unbearable pain.

“Your calls are not welcome,” I tell him, maintaining the toughness I was trying to show.

“I understand that.”

“Then stop.”

“Is that really what you want?”

I take a deep breath and turn to face him. His beautiful green eyes are clouded with sadness and something much deeper that looks so much like the pain I feel right now at being so close to him without being able to touch him.

“You said sleeping with me was collateral damage.”

“I didn’t mean it…”

“It hurt. So much. To hear you define what we had that way.”

“I am aware of that, and I am sorry. I assure you that was not what… Please, let’s talk about this calmly.”

“You said it was all fiction.”

“Seth…”

“I trusted you.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Then save your words for the judge.”

He lowers his head and sighs. “I am truly sorry. Please, believe me.”

“That’s not enough.”

He lifts his eyes to mine.

“You hurt me. I don’t know if I can forget it.”

Never in my life have I been so tough, so firm on my positions. I owe this to myself. For too many years, I have trusted the wrong people and allowed others to treat me like a doormat, suffering because of their opinions, their glances, and my past experiences.

This journey has taught me to focus on myself and to stop relying on others for support. It’s just me and the kids now, and we are the only ones who truly matter.

“I just want you to be my lawyer from now on. Nothing more.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want you to stop pretending to be my partner.”

“But Seth…”

“We don’t need guarantees.”

“Don’t make any hasty decisions now, dictated by the emotions of the moment.”

“I may be emotional and sometimes too impulsive. But I am honest. I won’t lie to get the children.”

“Don’t do this.”

“It’s my decision, and I want you to respect it.”

Paul’s hand, sitting behind me, as always, rests on my shoulder.

“OK, Seth. We’ll do it your way.”

“I UNDERSTAND, MR KENNEDY, that your client has decided to proceed with the application for sole custody.”

“That is correct, Your Honour.”

“Are you saying that you are no longer part of the family?”

“No, Your Honour.”

The judge looks at Rowan over the top of his glasses. “I’m sorry to hear this news, Mr Kennedy.”

“Me too, Your Honour.”

“Well, if that’s all, then all that remains is for me to make my decision.”

“Your Honour,” Rowan says in surprise, “I still have testimony to present to this court.”

The judge leans back in his chair. “I thought we had heard from everyone. There is no one left on my list.”

“This is special testimony, Your Honour.”

“What are you doing?” I ask Rowan, tugging at his jacket sleeve.

“Please trust me,” he replies, gazing at me with his sorrowful eyes. “Let me do this for you.”

“Mr Kennedy is grasping at straws, Your Honour,” the opposing party replies. I bend down, pick up my briefcase, and pull out my last hope.

“I have here the statement of Mark Graham, Your Honour, written in his own handwriting.”

“What… No!”

Rowan leaves the table to approach the judge, and I stand up, slamming my hands on the table in frustration.

He can’t do this. He promised.

“I’d like to read it, if that’s possible,” Rowan says, seeking the judge’s permission. Ignoring the complaints from the other side, the judge nods and tells him to proceed.

“Please, no,” I whisper to him, as my voice falters along with my strength.

These are Mark’s words—his words to me, now exposed to everyone.

Rowan clears his throat and looks at me. He mimes an “I’m sorry,” but it means nothing to me. Then he begins to read while I slump in my chair.

My dearest Seth,

I am so sorry that you have to read these words, but life, as you always say, never stops surprising you, and not always in the way you would like.

I was so happy the day you came home. I had longed for a brother for years, but just when I was beginning to lose hope, here you came, like the first ray of morning sunshine, to brighten my life and this world too grey for your tastes.

Rowan pauses. He lowers his eyes to his grey shirt, then hints at a smile, before resuming.

I knew from the first moment that you would be my best friend, and that it would be forever. Certain things you feel right away, and I felt love for you, so much and unconditionally.

I tried to protect you, sometimes like an older brother, and sometimes like a father, but I couldn't always keep you safe. You were kind and honest, but you were fragile, tormented, restless, and in need of love and reassurance. You always thought you were not enough. And you always thought you didn’t deserve anything.

And I watched you, year after year, let go, give in, sabotage yourself; try to destroy your life with your own hands.

You had so much love to give to others that you didn't save an ounce of it for yourself.

Another pause. Rowan is forced to dry his eyes with the back of his hand. I don’t even try, it would be completely useless.

You have fallen so many times, and each time I feared losing you and never finding you again. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you for never giving up and for trying, I know you did it for me, too.

There is an almost religious silence in the courtroom to let Mark’s words become everyone’s and a little less mine with every breath I refuse to take.

I am proud. Damn proud of you, of how you managed to get back up, of your commitment, your strength, your resilience. And I'm proud of the way you stayed true to yourself when everything around you was screaming at you to change.

Rowan pauses again. He looks at me for a very long moment of guilt and denied forgiveness, then back at Mark’s words.

Thank you for not doing that. You have been my inspiration over the years.

And my strength. And I love you. Immensely.

And Jillian loves you. And the kids. You're the best person in the world, and I'm not just saying that because you're my brother, I'm saying that because it's true.

You have gone through hell and come out more beautiful and brighter than before and I, or rather we, are sure that you will be able to give love, joy, laughter and life to our children.

There is no better person in the world for this job.

There is no person in the world to whom I would entrust the most precious thing I have.

I close my eyes, waiting for the last words.

I know it will not be easy for you, but I also know that you will do your best. I believe in you. We all believe in you. You just have to have a little faith in yourself.

You always say you're a mess, but you know what I say instead? That you are the most beautiful mess that could ever happen to me.

With all my love,

Mark.

Rowan folds the letter and wipes his eyes with his arm, then turns to the judge.

“The letter was given to the solicitor handling the will of Mark and Jillian Graham, Your Honour. It was written by Mark Graham himself about a year before the accident that killed him and his wife. And it bears the signatures of two witnesses.”

“I see, Mr Kennedy.”

Rowan glances at the kids, then turns his attention back to the judge. “If a short break is possible…”

“We all need it. We will resume tomorrow with my decision.” The judge stands and leaves the courtroom, Rowan coming towards me with his head bowed.

“How… How could you do that?”

“Let me explain…”

“There is nothing to explain. You did something I specifically asked you not to do.”

“If I did it, there is a reason, please believe me.”

I shake my head, resolute. “I don’t believe you.”

Rowan opens his eyes wide, hurt.

“I no longer believe anything you say. You have deceived me. You went behind my back. I cannot trust such a person.”

He does not speak. He just stares at me. The pain of my words is there, in his beautiful green eyes.

“It was something that only belonged to me. The only thing left of Mark for me, and you… You took it from me.”

“I only wanted to help you.”

“You chose for me. I can’t live with that.”

“Seth…”

“It’s over. Whatever it was, it’s over.”

“Just let me…”

“You betrayed my trust.”

He knows I am right. He knows there’s nothing he can do about it.

“I did it for the kids.”

“You did it for yourself. You wanted to win this case no matter what.”

“You can’t think it’s all about the case.”

“That’s what you told me.”

“I don’t…”

“I can never forgive you.”

“Seth…”

“Don’t come back. We don’t want you to come home to us. Never… ever again.”

I can feel my heart breaking, but I ignore it.

“I’ll make sure you get all your belongings.”

“Please…”

“I’ll see you in court tomorrow for the judge’s decision, but after that… After that, I would appreciate it if you would disappear from my life forever.”

THAT SAME EVENING, at home, the kids and I sat on the sofa, huddled together. I didn’t want anyone with us. We just needed to feel Mark’s words on us, to share them in our private space, and to imagine his warm, reassuring embrace around us.

“I understand why you didn’t want Rowan to read Dad’s letter,” Mason says, causing more unstoppable tears. “And I think Rowan should have listened to you.”

I stroke his hair and place a kiss on his forehead.

“It was something of yours.”

“Aren’t you angry with me for not telling you?”

“No,” Mason answers again for everyone. “It was meant for you. Dad wrote it for you.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. None of this is your fault,” Logan says.

Emily is dangerously silent.

“Honey, are you OK?” I ask her.

She hugs me tighter. “I miss Uncle Rowan.”

Oh my God! Who’s going to stop my crying now?

“I miss him too,” I admit, even though I shouldn’t.

“We’ll make it, Uncle Seth. The four of us. Together. We don’t need Rowan,” Mason tries to encourage me and his sister.

“True,” Logan adds. “We’ve done well without him before.”

We were fine, it’s true. I was fine. Before he came into my life to make me believe I was worthy of love. Before he fooled me with his gentle ways and his caresses and those looks that only I understood. Before he made me believe in something that never existed, except in my head.

“It was all my fault. I never should have…”

“What? Fall in love with him?” Mason asks.

“What are you talking about? Fall in love… me?”

“We know anyway,” Emily says. “You can tell.”

“Oh yeah?”

“And quite a lot!’ Logan comments, taking an elbow from his brother.

‘Oh God,” I cover my face with my hands. “I’m a mess.”

“The best mess that could have happened to us,” Mason echoes his father’s words, plunging me back into another wave of sadness and melancholy.

I didn’t think I could cry so much in one evening, but apparently, there’s always time to be proven wrong.

“What would I do without you?”

The kids crowd around me. Their love is the best thing that could happen to me, and I know that whatever happens, no one will be able to take away what we have and what we share.

We are a family.

No matter what a judge says.

And we always will be.