Page 15 of Too Good to Be True

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” Then he turns to the others. “Are we all ready to order?”

I know they’ve all witnessed our exchange, and even if I haven’t, I can tell from their expressions, all concerned and all for me.

“I think we are all ready,” I say, trying to shift the attention elsewhere.

Ready to order, maybe. Ready for what’s coming?

Not for me. And not the kids. And neither is he, I’m afraid.

HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER, the anxiety that had been gripping me all day became stronger and more pressing, so much so that I have to leave the table for a few minutes.

Let’s just say that Rowan’s proximity didn’t help, and that he wanted to share plates with me, and that he touched my arm twice to ask if I wanted more wine, and most of all, the way he looks at me when I talk to him, and the way I feel myself shiver when he does, didn’t help.

He is a handsome man. Charming. Very. Average.

Maybe a bit more than average. Much more.

And he keeps himself in shape, you can tell.

His arms are so hard that you’re afraid he’ll break you if you try to hug him.

As if someone like me could ever hug someone like him!

And shall we talk about his ass? I looked at it.

Of course I did! When he excused himself to wash his hands, wrapped in those trousers that seemed tailored to fit his muscles.

Fuck! Ross was right. He’s got an ass like marble. I don’t know what I would give to get my hands on it and... Well, forget about my dirty and inappropriate thoughts about my too-sexy-to-be-true lawyer.

Didn’t they have a less attractive one in the firm?

God, I’m in trouble! And not because of the flood of lies I will have to learn to tell. That is the least of my worries now.

I have to learn to pretend that I don’t like my lawyer, and I have to do it now. As if I had no other pressures at the moment.

I take out a cigarette I had hidden in my shirt pocket and get the lighter from the back pocket of my trousers. I light it and slowly inhale the smoke as it mixes with the fresh evening air.

“I didn’t know you were a smoker.”

His voice almost knocks the cigarette from my fingers.

“I started again today.”

“That stuff will kill you.”

Your eyes, too, I think, are so intense, it’s like they’re piercing me. They’ll kill me even faster than the smoke. And your hands, too, I’m absolutely sure. Not to mention everything else. I can’t and won’t think of all the rest.

“Should I find another solution?” He asks me out of the blue.

“What are you talking about?”

“This thing… The two of us.”

Please, Seth. Don’t fantasise about this ‘us’ as if it were something real and wonderful.

“It makes you more nervous than usual.”

You make me nervous. And anxious. And hopeful and confused. And excited. You’re damn right I get excited in your presence. If I reconsider, I still get excited even in your absence. That’s because I can’t control my thoughts, which are all the same kind, all unspeakable out loud.

“As if that were possible!” I play it down, or at least try to.

Rowan barely smiles. “The kids haven’t taken their eyes off me the whole meal.”

“They’re worried.”

“Are they afraid they’ll find out about us and take them away from you?”

They are worried about me. They know I’ll kid myself that we’re together and then get my heart broken when I’ll realise there’s no room for me in your life.

“Is it possible? Find another solution?” I do not answer his question. I don’t want to start lying in advance.

Rowan sighs. “Not where we are.”

“I suspected that.”

“The judge will want to see us.”

“What… when?”

“Soon, I suppose. He’s waiting for a date.”

“A date?”

Rowan sighs again. “He expects the two of us to make it official.”

“Official in what sense?”

“In that sense, Seth.”

“Oh my God!”

“He wants proof of commitment. And I don’t think we can give him anything other than our wedding date at the moment. I was thinking about getting more proof, but that would take time, and we don’t have any. He wants to make sure that the children…That they…”

“That they are not left alone with me.”

“Only for a while, while we find a way to convince the judge that you are the father these children need.”

“What if that never happens?”

“I wouldn’t dwell on that thought just yet.”

“How can I not think about it? If the judge decides the kids can only be with me if we are together… Oh my God! Are we really getting married?

Rowan doesn’t answer me. He gives me time to fidget and calm down and fidget again, all by myself.

“Do we have to prepare for this meeting?” I ask him.

“It’s just an informal meeting. I will take care of everything.”

“You think about too many things.”

“I’m your lawyer, right?” For the first time, there is a vibration in his voice that doesn’t belong to him.

“You are.” In mine, however, a new sadness that was not there until yesterday.

“We can do this.”

I nod and take a deep breath.

“For the kids. For them, I am ready for anything.”

This is the only certainty in my life.

I love these children more than anything in the world. And I will do everything in my power not to let them be taken away from me.