Page 10 of Too Good to Be True

Seth

I ’m not nervous at all when I open the door to welcome Rowan back to my home.

I have only risked setting the kitchen on fire a couple of times.

Everything is normal.

“Hey,” I greet him at the door, a smile that says ‘good to see you again’ on my face, and the thought ‘I wish I could have seen you undressed yesterday’ in my head.

“I’m late. Again. I’m really sorry.”

I let him in; he undoes his tie as soon as he steps into the living room. I can’t help thinking there’s something familiar about it. You don’t undo your tie at a business meeting.

“What…” He looks into the kitchen. “What’s that smell?”

“Oh, I was cooking and…”

“But that’s smoke.”

Rowan throws his bag towards the sofa, then rushes into the kitchen. “Where’s the fire extinguisher?”

“Fire extinguisher?” I run to him. “Oh my God!” I scream as I see flames leaping from the frying pan on the hob.

Rowan looks around for something to put out the fire.

“Where do you keep… Oh, there it is!” He pulls the fireproof blanket out of its box and throws it on the pan.

“Stand back!” His protective arm around my waist. “That was close,” he says then, exhaling heavily.

“It should be all right now.” He lets go of my waist and walks over to the stove, and as he lifts the cover, smoke billows into the kitchen.

I start to cough, and Rowan covers his mouth with his arm as he walks over to the window and opens it wide.

“Come here, breathe.” He invites me to follow him to the window.

“Are the children with Mr Yang?” He asks.

I nod, still coughing.

“How come the alarm didn’t go off?” He looks up at the fire alarm box. “It should have gone off at the first sign of smoke.”

“I don’t know.”

The front door swings open, and Mr Yang enters the kitchen with a fire extinguisher. “Where’s the fire?”

“Rowan took care of it,” I say immediately.

He puts a hand on his chest. “I knew it was you as soon as I smelled smoke.”

I turn red to the roots of my hair.

“Can we come in now?” Mason’s voice reaches us through the front door.

“It’s OK, kids,” Mr Yang says.

“What happened?” Emily asks, coming straight to me. I hug her and calm her down. “Just a little accident,” I say nervously. “Everything’s under control. Luckily, Rowan was here.”

I turn to him and give him a weak smile. He doesn’t react in the same way. He looks pretty angry.

And at me.

“Was that our dinner?” Logan asks. The embarrassment creeps back in, and I feel it all over my body this time.

“Yes,” I say uneasily. “But I’m going to fix it now, don’t worry. Just as soon as I clear up this mess.”

“We’re all going to help, aren’t we, guys?” Mr Yang asks my niblings.

“Sure,” Logan offers immediately.

“I don’t think we should stay here,” Rowan says. “Better to air out the place and not be here breathing all this smoke.”

Rowan is right, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable.

“How about we order pizza?” Rowan suggests. “If Mr Yang is kind enough to let us stay at his place for a while.”

Mr Yang smiles broadly. “I’d be happy to.” Then he turns to the children. “Let’s finish our homework while Uncle Seth and Mr Kennedy… discuss.”

I thank Mr Yang with my eyes and say goodbye to the children as they leave the smoke-filled apartment. When we are alone again, I lower my gaze, embarrassed and guilty, not daring to turn it to Rowan.

“Better open all the windows,” he suggests, heading for the living room.

“I’ll take care of the rooms.” I turn away from him to open the windows in the apartment, then return to the kitchen, where Rowan has already started cleaning up.

“You don’t have to.”

“It’s not a problem.”

“It’s not your job. I messed it up, and I need to fix it.”

Rowan nods slowly, then looks at me. “How come the alarm didn’t go off?”

“I really don’t know.”

“You changed the batteries, didn’t you?”

“Of course,” I say nervously. I feel interrogated.

“Seth.”

“I think I…” I scratch my head, nervous. “Maybe I forgot, and maybe… I must have turned it off when it started making those weird noises.”

Rowan breathes slowly and heavily.

“It was a little accident that could happen to anyone.”

“You have three minors in your custody.”

“I know.”

“And you are fighting not to lose them.”

“I know that too.”

“Don’t make my work useless.”

I lower my head. I don't know what else to say. I feel humiliated.

“I’ll see if Mr Yang has any batteries. I don’t think you have any.”

I don’t have to answer him.

Rowan moves and leaves the kitchen.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him from behind, my voice thin. “It won’t happen again, I promise.”

Rowan barely turns in profile but doesn’t look at me or say anything. He just leaves me alone in my apartment, with the stench of smoke hanging in the air and guilt expanding in every part of me.

AT DINNER, I am rather quiet, which is very rare for me. Mason asks me more than once if everything is all right, and I just smile and nod, hoping to be convincing. However, from the way he doesn’t take his eyes off me throughout the meal, I’m guessing I suck at that, too.

Mason is Mark in every way. He also has the same protective instincts, especially towards me.

I wonder what I have ever done to deserve my niblings’ love and my brother’s love, which is unconditional and pure.

I wonder if I will ever do anything good with my life.

I wonder if I can care for another human being, or rather three little human beings.

I sigh sadly. My pizza sits almost untouched on my plate, and the chatter of my niblings is lost in my thoughts and silence.

“Another beer, Mr Kennedy?” Mr Yang asks Rowan.

“No, thank you. And please, call me Rowan.”

“Whatever you say, Mr Kennedy.”

Rowan laughs as Mr Yang gets up to tidy up a bit, immediately helped by the kids. I’m glad he can at least make him laugh because Rowan barely opens his mouth except to grunt after the incident in the kitchen.

I want to say something to apologise or to make him look at me with kind eyes and a sincere smile, but everything I can think of seems stupid and meaningless.

Not to mention the fact that I have been choking back tears throughout the meal, and they are now threatening to come out as embarrassing cries and even more embarrassing sobs.

It is not just that I have once again failed someone in life. Above all, I could have put the kids’ lives in danger, something I don’t know if I can forgive myself for.

“I’ve been… hard on you.” Rowan breaks the silence. “Maybe too hard.”

I shake my head slowly. I don’t look up from my plate.

“I went too far. Paul says I can be a real arsehole. I guess he’s right.”

“You haven’t… done…” I swallow another wave of tears. “Nothing. And you’re right.”

“About me being an arsehole?”

I laugh despite myself. “About being hard on me.”

“The judge is not going to be kind to you, Seth. And the opposing lawyers… Those guys will tear you apart.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“You can’t afford to make a mistake.”

“I know. I get it.” I pull up my nose. I can’t help it.

Rowan sighs, and then his hand rests lightly on mine, abandoned on my legs. An unexpected and sweet contact that does the devil a world of good but, unfortunately, breaks down the barrier between my lack of self-control and my na?ve tears.

“I’m sorry,” I say again, my voice cracking with tears.

“I know. And I know you will work hard to be careful from now on. About everything.”

I look up at him. His eyes have returned gentle and beautiful.

“I promise.”

ROWAN INSISTED ON changing the batteries in the fire alarm, which were batteries that Mr Yang fortunately had at home.

“You didn’t have to do that. I could have done it.”

“I was here.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“I do, or I wouldn’t be your lawyer.” Rowan bolts through the alarm box, his arms stretched upward, his hard, strong forearms stealing all my attention. He gets out of his chair effortlessly, his trousers clinging to his ass illegally and devastatingly for yours truly.

I’m sure for the rest of humanity, too.

I didn’t think lawyers could be so attractive. Sadly, I have met a few in my life, but none were as charming and dangerously sexy as Rowan Kennedy.

“Can I wash my hands?”

“Sure. You know where the bathroom is.”

Rowan slowly backed away, my eyes on his indecent bottom.

“You like him, don’t you?” Emily asks, sitting on the living room floor, pretending to colour in one of her sketchbooks.

“Have you seen him, darling?”

All three of my niblings laugh.

“Too good to be true, and especially too straight for me.”

“Don’t be so down on yourself, Uncle Seth. I’m sure there’s a perfect man out there for you.”

I smile at my niece as I sit on the couch with Logan and Mason, engaged in a challenge for a videogame I don’t understand. “Why do I need a man when I have you?”

“To not be alone?” Logan says. Although his eyes are on the screen, his attention is on us and our banter.

“I’m not. Alone, I mean. I'm far from alone. I have my wonderful family.” I cling to them. “And I don't need anything else.”

THE NEXT DAY, I arrive at his office at ten o’clock on the dot for our appointment. After the mess I made yesterday, we had to postpone the discussion about the upcoming hearing. We agreed that the kids could stay out of it as it was only the preliminary hearing.

“Mr Kennedy is expecting you,” George tells me before ushering me into Rowan’s office. He holds the door open for me, and I thank him with a smile.

“Seth,” Rowan stands up quickly, buttoning his jacket as if he were about to go into an official meeting, which makes me immediately regret turning up in jeans and last year’s Pride t-shirt. “Please have a seat.” He points to the usual chair in front of him, and I sit down.

“Um, I went to the café on the corner and…” I hand him a cup. “Black, right?”

“You shouldn’t have bothered.”

I leave the cup on the table.

“I also, well… got some donuts. I hope they don’t ruin your figure.”

Rowan raises an eyebrow from behind his glasses, and I immediately regret my inappropriate statement, my gesture, and certainly the fact that I spent last night fantasising about him—er, not just fantasising.

“I’d say let’s start.” He looks at his watch. “I don’t have much time.”

“Sure,” I agree, a little disappointed. True, he had to squeeze me into his busy schedule at the last minute, but after our previous encounters, I expected a different reception here.

Na?ve as ever, Seth. And masochistic, too.

“Let’s get straight to the points that concern me most.”

“Sure, anything you want.”

And doormat as ever, Seth.

You will never change.

How could a man like Rowan be interested in someone like you? If there was ever a chance, sure.

“I’m sure the lawyer, or rather the opposing lawyers, will argue a few points in particular.”

“Apart from my job, you say?”

“And your past, of course. And the way…” His eyes lift from the papers to rest on me. His gaze is hard, and he says it all.

“I understand.”

“You really must… Give yourself a…”

“What? A clean-up?”

“I didn’t mean…”

“You were clear even without speaking. Don’t worry.”

“You can’t react like that to every comment.”

“I react as I feel like reacting. I’m not a robot. I have feelings.”

“Feelings that nobody cares about.”

I open my mouth wide, almost in indignation.

“I wanted to say…”

I raise my hand. “I understood exactly what you meant.”

“Seth…”

“Forget it. Whatever you want to say, please keep it to yourself.”

“You really need to deal with these emotions, or at least try.”

“And you think I’m not trying?”

“Well…”

I snap out of my chair. Rowan’s eyes follow my gesture.

“I think it’s time to go.”

“What…” Rowan stands up, too. “But we haven’t even covered the first point.”

“I don’t need this.”

“This? This… what?”

“This behaviour. The way you talk to me and look at me.”

“What the hell…?”

“I feel like I’m seeing my father again. Again and again.”

“Seth…”

“Clean yourself up, you look like a junkie. Get yourself together; you look like a faggot. And stop crying; nobody cares about your tears.”

“That wasn’t my intention.”

“What are you going to tell me next? When are you going to learn to be a man?”

Rowan takes off his glasses and puts them on the desk. He sighs, then looks at me again, this time less harshly.

“I’m just trying to do my job. The trial is in two days.”

“Don’t worry. I'll get to look right by then,” I mark the sentence with my fingers.

“Seth, let’s talk about this…”

“I’d rather go.”

“We haven’t even started yet.”

“I’ll be ready.”

“Seth…”

“Please, let me go now.”

Rowan thinks for a moment, then nods.

“I’ll see you in court,” I say, miraculously showing no emotions. I leave his office and let them go on the walk home.

I don’t know why the thought of Rowan judging me hurts so much. He’s my lawyer. He’s doing his job, which he doesn’t even get paid for. I shouldn’t hold it against him, and I shouldn’t feel bad about it.

And yet I do. And a lot.

I didn’t think it could hurt any more.

And I didn’t think he could be the one to make me feel that way again.

I think that is my biggest problem.

Idealising.

I idealise people, gestures, and looks. Even my thoughts.

And I’m afraid I have done so on this occasion, too.