Page 30 of Too Good to Be True

Seth lifts his head, his lips resting on my chest, on my heart.

“I lost my family many years ago.”

Seth continues to place light kisses on my skin.

“There were five of us in that house. Five siblings. I was the oldest.”

“Did you take care of them?”

“I did what I could.”

“You were a good boy.” His cautious words and understated tone almost make me want to cry.

“I had to.”

“Did you feel the responsibility to be the oldest?”

He continues to help me open up with his gentle manner, his eyes on me, sweet and true.

“I wish I had someone like you in my life,” I say from the bottom of my heart.

His expression becomes even softer.

“If someone had fought for us… Instead…” I shrug. ‘We were alone.”

His hand caresses the small of my back.

“They separated us.”

Seth’s hand suddenly stops.

“Me and my siblings.”

His eyes meet mine in the darkness.

“My mother… She couldn’t look after us. She was a drug addict.”

“Oh, Rowan.”

“They took us away from home one autumn morning. I remember the tree outside my window was all red.” I smile. I don’t know why. “I was…. I’m the oldest. They couldn’t take me away from them. The screams, Seth… I can still hear them, sometimes, at night.”

Seth’s arms wrap around my neck. “I’m sorry.”

I stroke his arm slowly.

“She just needed help. You know? She wasn’t a bad mother, just… Just after my dad left…”

Seth’s arms tighten.

“I’m sure if they had helped her, if social services had put their energy into helping her get back on track…”

“Is that why you agreed to help me?”

“Does it matter?”

Seth stands up again.

“I don’t know.”

Seth is silent for a while, then sits down again and I put my arms around him again.

“Are you in touch with them?”

“I’ve hired a private detective to find them.”

Seth continues to caress my chest with his delicate fingers.

“I found out that the two youngest were adopted. Information about them is classified. I have not been able to contact their families. As for my sister and brother… I have no idea where they are. I was thirteen at the time, they were eleven and nine. They seem to have disappeared. Even my mother seems to have disappeared without a trace.”

“And you stopped looking?”

“It was a long time ago. They’ll have their lives by now. Maybe it’s for the best.”

“You can’t run from the past forever. Believe me. I know.”

“You don’t understand.”

Seth slips out of my grasp, stands up and rests his back against the sofa cushions.

“What don’t I understand?”

“I was supposed to protect them, take care of them.”

“You were just a child.”

I don’t look at him when I say it, I couldn’t do it otherwise. “They trusted me. I let them down. I left them alone.”

“You mustn’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You were just a child.”

“Explain this to children who see you as their only role model. Explain it to children who have known nothing but neglect and loneliness. Explain it to…” My voice breaks. Seth tries to take my hand, but I resist the contact.

“No one likes to feel vulnerable, and I think you like it even less,” I hear him smile between words.

“And there’s no need for me to tell you that there’s nothing to be ashamed of in being fragile, because I’m sure you know that, and in your heart you know that you’re not guilty of anything, what I want to tell you is that you’re even more beautiful in my eyes now, Mr Kennedy, and true and full of wonderful and unique nuances that all look great on you.

” I can’t help looking at him. “And that I feel flattered and lucky to be with you tonight, to be able to share this part of your life that is so private and painful, and that I am here if you want me, as you want me, for whatever you need.”

“It’s OK, I’m fine. It was a long time ago.”

“No, you’re not fine, please don’t say that, don’t try to convince me, or worse, yourself.”

“You think you know everything about me because we slept together?”

The fact that I said we slept together and not that we had sex caused a few somersaults in my own stomach that I could not ignore.

That was also spontaneous. And Seth knows that. I can tell by the way he’s looking at me. I can’t hide what I’m feeling. It’s as if he’s opened doors and windows to let the light in.

“I promised I would find them and get them back.” I close my eyes at the memory of my last words. “What could I say to them today? That I was sorry for failing, for letting them down?”

“That’s why you did it? That’s why you lied to the judge? That’s why you’re living with us now like… like we’re family?’

“Mason.”

Seth wrinkles his forehead.

“Mason’s despair. In him I saw myself again. And in their faces I saw that day again, the same fear, the same pain. When they took my brothers and sisters away, I swore I would never let that happen again.”

“But we are not your family.”

It hurts to hear that, especially when he says it. I know he did not say it with the intention of hurting me. I know he said it for me and for us.

Seth is right. They are not my family. Even if they are the closest thing to it right now.

“You shouldn’t have risked your career for us.”

“I would do it again,” I confess to him. I stroke his lips with my fingers. Seth breathes out softly against my skin. “For you. I would do it again only for you.”

“Don’t say things that…” I take his face in my hands, his frightened eyes moving quickly over my face, searching for confirmation that this is not another lie.

“Come here, come back to me.” I invite him to lie down beside me again.

Seth nestles against my body, his warmth, his smell, his fingers brushing against me, his lips caressing me, it all feels so good and so deep that I can’t help but close my eyes and for the first time in my life let myself go completely, knowing that I’m safe with him.