Page 26 of Too Good to Be True

“I am not good at this,” I begin. I take a breath and try to speak to that one remaining part of my heart.

“I’m not in the habit of celebrating birthdays, especially if they are about me, but tonight…

” Tonight is different from all the others, and only because you’re looking at me, hoping, and you kissed me…

God , you kissed me in the bathroom of your house, after I had kissed you, and now all I can think about is your mouth.

“Tonight is different because all of you are there to make it so. I think I will remember this moment for a long time…” For the rest of my life.

“Thank you all for making my birthday special.” I raise my glass to the others, all imitating my gesture.

“How old are you, Uncle Rowan?” Emily asks innocently.

“You never ask someone their age, Emily,” Ross explains, “especially if they have been over thirty for a while.”

“Oh, sorry,” Emily says quickly.

“It doesn’t matter,” I reassure her. “I have no problem telling my age. I’m forty-two today.”

“Wow!” Ross exclaims. “And you wear them really well. All of them.”

The table laughs.

“Thanks for the compliment.”

“I’ve been holding back a lot, you know.”

“Thank you especially for that.”

Everyone laughs again, then Seth’s eyes settle back on mine. I hold my breath long enough to feel them run through my bare soul, then I breathe again, slowly, almost in fear of ruining this moment.

“And what cake have you baked?” Paul asks, bringing me back into the conversation.

“White chocolate and raspberry,” Emily answers.

I look back at Seth, who is suddenly blushing. He shrugs and smiles at me, with that mouth that I now want more than anything else.

“Your favourite,” Paul says in a suggestive tone. “What a coincidence…”

I’d like to shut him up with one of those punches I always threaten him with, but I’m too busy keeping my eyes and all my thoughts on Seth.

I don’t know if I can silence what I’m beginning to feel. I don’t know if I can hide what I want for much longer. I don’t know if I can still pretend with all my being that I don’t want what I want now.

AFTER BLOWING OUT the candles and still holding a little emotion in my throat, I start unwrapping the presents as requested by all.

I have not received many presents in the past; as a child, perhaps, the early years, when my father was still at home with us.

I remember racing cars and a track made out of cardboard from the street; I remember colouring pencils and albums, but I cannot place them chronologically.

I know there were good years, but they are so distant and faded, covered by everything that came after, that I really struggle to put them back together.

“Thank you, Vanessa,” I give her a kiss, after unwrapping the gift she and Paul gave me. A bedside charger, where I can put my phone, headphones and watch all together.

“This is from me,” Mr Yang hands me a packet.

“You shouldn’t have.” I unwrap it a little anxiously, then smile. It’s a set of herbal teas. “Thank you very much.”

“Don’t forget mine.” Ross shows me a package. The wrapping paper is purple, with multicoloured hearts.

“I don’t know what… Thank you.”

“Open it, come on,” Ross urges me.

I smile as I unwrap it. A mug that reads ‘The sexiest lawyer on Earth’.

“I’ll put this on my desk,” I tell him, smiling.

“I’m counting on it.”

“This is from us,” Emily hands me their gift.

“Guys, you didn’t have to worry, you already made the cake, which by the way, was delicious.”

“We’ve noticed that you’ve made more than one exception to the rule,” Seth winks at me.

He is right. I ate two slices.

“Do you like it?” Emily asks as soon as I take the bracelet they gave me between my fingers. “It’s a friendship bracelet,” she explains as I read, ‘The best uncle in the world’.

“I really don’t know…” I bring my hand to my mouth in a vain attempt to restrain this emotion as beautiful as it is frightening.

“I hope it’s not too much,” Mason says, now in doubt about his choice of words.

“Not at all,” I reassure him.

“I’ll help you tie it,” Emily stands up. “That’s it,” she ties it around my wrist. I look at it for a few moments.

“Thank you, it’s beautiful.”

Emily tightens her arms around my neck. “Happy birthday, Uncle Rowan.”

I bask in her embrace for a while, then slowly let her go.

“You still have to unwrap mine,” Seth says, flustered. “I wrapped it with my own hands.” He hands me a package in a pink paper with many coloured stars, adorned with a ribbon also pink with a bow in the middle.

I unwrap it slowly, with everyone’s eyes on me, then smile inevitably like an idiot.

“I know you prefer ties, but maybe…” He helps me adjust the bow tie he gave me around my neck. It’s pink, with little white flowers. “I knew you’d look good in pink.”

Everyone is laughing now.

“You see pink everywhere, Uncle Seth,” Logan tells him.

“Thank you.” I touch the bow tie. “To all of you. It was an unforgettable evening.”

Seth hugs me, just as Emily did, placing a kiss on my cheek. I can’t help closing my eyes as I feel the sweetness of his gesture penetrate through all my defences.

“You deserve it,” he says, as I hold him in my arms for longer than I should, under the watchful eyes of my friend and the kids, who did not miss my desperate gesture.

WHEN EVERYONE has gone away and the kids have gone to sleep, Seth and I find ourselves alone in bed, with the weight of my actions and emotions on me, and the silence that has ensued.

He has realised that something is wrong with me, but he is so attentive and discreet that he does not press me to know my story, and does not make me feel uncomfortable in any way.

“Thank you for this evening,” I still feel grateful.

His delicate hand rests on my face. “You are doing so much for us. We wanted to do something nice. Make you feel how much we care, all of us, for you.”

His hand slips away from my cheek. I take it and silently ask him to continue to transmit his warmth to me. I see him smile in the darkness, before he returns to gently caress my face.

“I know you’re as broken as anyone in this world, Mr Kennedy, even if you try to hide it.

Everyone is vulnerable; some are better at masking it than others, but that doesn’t erase the harm that has been done to them.

And I know they’ve done it to you. And you don’t need to say anything or tell me anything. Just know that I am here.”

I think for a moment, then I lift myself up to rest my head on his chest. Seth immediately takes me in his arms.

I say nothing, haunted in the memories that this night, don’t want let me go, but reassured by his gentle squeeze, his fingers lazily stroking my hair, and the tenderness with which he holds me all night, as if, after so much suffering and loneliness, I had finally found a place to feel at home.