Page 145 of The Queen’s Shadow

“It’s nothing we didn’t already suspect. She was just giving me the details of Kasha’s exam and…” His voice cracked and he leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes as he fought to regain control of his emotions.

Without thinking I reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing his fingers tight. He squeezed back and we sat like that in silence for a moment, holding onto each other like we were the only tether the other had in an endless storm.

“Do those daemon’s you want captured have something to do with what happened to Kasha?” I asked quietly, and he nodded, his head still resting back against the wall.

“Before she was kidnapped, she left me a list of names. I already killed a bunch of them when we were in Greed, but it’s not enough. I want them all dead before we go anywhere.” He said, and I nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, trying not to feel hurt that he hadn’t included me in his plans. I would have loved a chance for some vengeance too. He shrugged.

“I don’t know. It feels personal. I needed to be the one to kill them. I can’t explain it.”

I frowned at him, opening the bond and examining his feelings closely. He raised an eyebrow at me but didn’t object.

“I understand. I wouldn’t want to share the murder of Amon’s tormentors with anyone either.”

“Yeah, but he’s your mate. It makes sense for you to feel that strongly about him.” He ran a hand through his dark hair in frustration. “Kitten, the things I’m feeling right now don’t make any sense… I almost fucking attacked you when you severed the bond. I miss her right now and she’s right there in front of my face. The thought of those daemons… the thought of anyone touching her is killing me.

“It’s been like this for a while, but it’s just been getting worse. Then when I finally found her, and we were leaving that disgusting room, something just snapped in my chest and now I can barely let her out of my sight.”

I sighed and patted his hand gently. I had a strong suspicion that his feelings did make sense. He just wasn’t willing to admit what was happening to him.

“Do you think that maybe Kasha could be your mate?” I asked quietly. His gaze shot to me, and he pursed his lips.

“The thought has crossed my mind.” He admitted, his voice a low growl. He looked like he was going to be sick for a moment. Then he cleared his throat.

“What does it feel like… to be mated?” He was looking at me as if I held all the answers and I cringed. Fuck.

If I was supposed to be the one with the answers, we were in trouble. I paused, trying to put what having a mate felt like into words.

“It’s the most horrifying but simultaneously amazing feeling I’ve ever had.” I said carefully. “It’s what I imagine an addiction would feel like. Just touching him feels like pure ecstasy and the sound of his voice makes my heart stop in my chest. When we are together, it’s like I have finally found my place in the world. Like I’m home. I trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone in my life, and to be loved so completely by another person feels like I won the fucking lottery…”

“I feel a ‘but’ coming…” Rycon grumbled, and I nodded.

“But I’ve never felt pain like this before either… and I know pain…I watched my mother die in my arms.” The pain of Clair’s death had faded but it was still there. I wasn’t sure her murder was something I would ever fully recover from. Some wounds just run too deep. I swallowed back a painful lump, before continuing.

“I’ve never been as fucking scared as I am right now. I don’t even want to live in a world without him in it, and the thought of him being hurt is unbearable. Not knowing where he is feels like torture. I constantly crave him. The pain of not being close enough to touch him is sometimes so strong I feel like I’ve physically been stabbed in the chest. I would rather be back in that cell with Marcus and Maria than feel like this for another second. It’s taking everything in me not to burn the world to the ground and take every single living soul with me, just to get him back.”

God, it felt good to say that out loud. I knew Rycon wouldn’t judge me. He probably felt the same when we had been searching for Kasha.

“Well… that’s what this feels like.” He said. He didn’t sound happy. It sounded like learning he had found his life mate was the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

“Well, I think you have your answer, then.”

“Yeah…” We sat in silence for another moment, the air between us felt heavy.

“What if she doesn’t want to be my mate?” He asked softly, and I felt a stab of vulnerability wash down the bond. My chest tightened.

He was afraid.

Terrified that she wouldn’t feel the same way. It hurt me, to think that Amon had spent so long feeling something similar. He had been so afraid I wouldn’t choose him. Looking at Rycon now, I truly understood how horrible that must have been for him.

“I don’t know if it works like that. If you both are mates, she will likely feel a similar draw to you.” I said thoughtfully, though I couldn’t know for sure.

“No. She can still turn me away. She needs to admit to being mine. Until she does, I’ll be doomed to follow her around like a fucking cat in heat for the rest of eternity. I’ve seen it happen before. It’s pathetic.”

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to convince her to be yours then.” I said gently. I remembered the way she had reached for him when Meredith had finished cleaning her up. I was almost certain she felt something for him too.

“I feel like an asshole thinking about this at all right now. After what she just went through, the last thing she’s going to want is me breathing down her neck asking her to be my mate. I’ll be shocked if she’ll ever let anyone touch her again.” The yawning sadness that rolled off of him mixed with mine, and together we floated through a seemingly dark and endless sea of heartache and despair. I squeeze his fingers again.