Page 99 of The Holy Grail

“Yeah. Have a nice day,” Evan repeated. “The main reason is because whatever they’ve said to me, or said under their breath loud enough for me to hear, isn’t worth any further …

engagement. I don’t know them and I don’t care what they think, so I tell them to ‘Have a nice day’, in a pleasant voice, to let them know I heard them, and continue on my way.

It usually stops them in their tracks, because they don’t know what to do with that response, especially if they’re trying to get a rise out of me and they get a dose of ‘Mr. Rogers’, instead. Minus the cardigan.”

“I like that,” Lauren said .

“It’s pretty effective, in the event I can’t just ignore them, which I do about ninety percent of the time.”

Lauren gave Malcom a pointed look, as if to say, See? Ignore, ignore, ignore.

“I know,” he muttered. “A random stranger’s opinion does not matter. You ignore it and live your life.”

Evan glanced at Lauren. “Mal seems to know how to deal with intolerant people, well enough.”

“Knowing and being able to do it are two different things,” she countered.

“Which is why I wanted both of you to sort of work out a way to deal with it together, because this is pretty new for Malcom, and he could benefit from your experience. I’d like to see you come up with a game plan, so to speak, in case something does happen—mostly for Malcom’s sake. ”

After quickly agreeing non-verbal, judgmental people should simply be ignored, they moved on to discussing verbal encounters, which was at the root of Malcom’s anxiety.

The ‘plan’ they arrived at was to hold onto each other’s hand, which would keep him grounded in the moment, tell the person to ‘Have a nice day’, and then walk away.

When it came to a possible physical encounter, Evan pointed out he wouldn’t hesitate to defend himself, but it might not be feasible to also defend Malcom, who, even though he’d proven he could throw a punch, still wasn’t really a ‘fighter’.

“What about self-defense classes?” Lauren suggested. “It would make him feel more secure, being able to defend himself against another person, regardless of the situation. You could even have Jules take them with you.”

Evan and Malcom both thought that was a good idea.

“Now, then,” Lauren said, leaning forward, her expression turning serious, “I’d like to move on to the other reason I wanted you to be here, Evan, which is to discuss your contribution to Malcom’s anxiety.”

Shocked, Malcom asked, “His contribution?”

“Yes,” she said, before turning her attention to Evan, who, rather than being shocked, appeared thoughtful. “I want you to think about something that makes you feel uncomfortable, and not in an ‘I don’t like killing spiders in my bathroom’ kind of way. I mean in a visceral way.”

Evan was silent for several moments before saying, “Public speaking. Any time I’ve ever had to get up in front of people, like to read a book report, or a presentation for a class, it’s been an unmitigated disaster. ”

“Unmitigated? In what way?” Lauren wanted to know.

“My heart races, I start to sweat like crazy, and I get really anxious, to the point where I can hardly get the words out.”

“Really?” Malcom was very surprised to hear that. “You seem like you were born to talk to people.”

“Talking to people when I’m tending bar is way different than standing in front of thirty people who are staring at you,” Evan said with a shake of his head.

“That’s a really good example,” Lauren told Evan. “Now imagine if Malcom were to tell you he needed you to do that on a regular basis to make him happy?”

Evan blinked at her, but otherwise didn’t respond.

Malcom, on the other hand, burst out, “What are you doing?”

“That would put you in a bad position, wouldn’t it?

” Lauren continued, keeping her focus on Evan.

“You’d most likely be torn between wanting to do it because it would make him happy, and not wanting to do it because of how anxious it would make you.

Do you see the emotional dilemma? The lose-lose situation you’d be in? ”

Evan glanced at Malcom, who was now outright frowning, before turning to Lauren. “Yes, I do.”

“Do you know where this is leading, Evan?”

“I think so.”

“Well, I don’t,” Malcom said, giving Lauren an unhappy look.

Evan reached over and took Malcom’s hand. “It’s about my wanting you to be openly affectionate with me when we’re in public.”

“It is?” It was Malcom’s turn to blink at Lauren.

“Yes, it is,” she confirmed.

“Lauren—”

“No, let her continue,” Evan said.

Keeping her eyes on Evan, Lauren said, “For Malcom, navigating a bisexual relationship is brand new, and when it was brand new for you, you were in your teens, correct?”

“Yes.”

“So, try and think of Malcom as being a teenager right now, because in many ways he is. Anything you were feeling back then, he’s feeling now, so he needs your understanding and guidance, not emotional ultimatums, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yes. ”

Lauren leaned forward. “It’s great you’ve reached a point in your life where you’re comfortable with your sexuality in all situations, but Malcom hasn’t reached that point, yet.

Not by a long shot. As such, it’s not fair for you to essentially try and impose expectations on him, like Monroe did.

Now, I know his expectations were obviously on a much different level than yours, but you’re still causing undue stress when you want public displays of affection.

“This isn’t about what you want, it’s about what Malcom needs , and your job is to support him during his journey, not dictate the journey, or even the results.

Your job is to walk beside him every step of the way and applaud his growth, but more importantly, to accept when there isn’t any.

He sets the pace, not you, because he’s doing this for himself, not you. ”

Feeling like Evan had been ambushed, and not appreciating the pain on his face, Malcom said to Lauren, “That’s enough.”

Evan mustered a quick smile. “It’s okay. She’s not wrong,” he said softly, all of her words having hit like arrows. Then addressing Lauren again, he explained, “I’m not trying to be controlling or a dick. I just want him to be free of his shackles.”

“That’s a noble thing to want—and it’s something I want for him, too—but when he can’t perform to your standards, he feels shame for letting you down, and shame can’t be used to change ourselves, or others.

” She smiled at Malcom and pointed behind her to the framed quote about shame on the wall, which she’d showed him during their first session. “See? That came in handy.”

“I, uh, guess it did,” he replied, not sure if he was supposed to respond, or if it had been rhetorical.

Evan leaned back, scrubbing at his face, clearly upset.

“I didn’t have you join this session to make you feel bad,” Lauren told Evan. “However, it’s important to be aware of your impact on Malcom. He needs you to be a source of support, understanding, and empathy, not something stressful he has to deal with. He has enough to deal with as it is.”

Lauren’s tone became less business-like and more friendly.

“Now, here’s the part where I tell you I think you’re great for Malcom.

You’re emotionally strong, caring, and a good role model.

You’ve learned to navigate dual sexuality very well, being comfortable with both.

I know you dealt with a less than ideal situation with your own father very well, and hopefully Malcom will benefit from all of your experience.

That being said, if after all your support and guidance, he’s still not able to give you the responses you’d like, you’ll have to accept—and respect—his limits. ”

Evan nodded. “I know, and I understand.” Then, after taking a deep breath, he met Malcom’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”

Seeing how tormented Evan was, Malcom reached over and took Evan’s hand this time. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Evan shook his head before turning back to Lauren. “For the record, though, I may have been navigating my bisexuality in my teens but I’ve never navigated a relationship like this before,” he said, motioning between himself and Malcom. “So, I’m a work in progress, too.”

“We all are … right up until our last breath.” Lauren smiled. “Now, it’s time to pick your crystal.”

Malcom pulled the bowl of crystals toward Evan. “You have to close your eyes, so you pick the one you need, not the one you want.”

Doing as instructed, Evan closed his eyes, then began digging around in the bowl, taking his time.

Finally, he settled on one and when he opened his eyes he was looking at an oval shaped crystal comprised of pale pink, burnt orange, and milky white intermingling colors, with what appeared to be little flower blossoms within the stone.

“That’s flower agate,” Lauren explained. “It’s a grounding stone known to help with transformation and new beginnings. It also encourages self-growth and is used to restore emotional balance.”