Page 98 of The Holy Grail
Putting in some more work
Ten days after Jules and Evan moved in, Malcom’s sessions with Lauren started to include the triad’s inner workings. Even though she’d talked to the three of them at the dinner party a few months ago, this time Lauren got into more of the details.
“How has everything been since you all moved in together?” Lauren asked.
“It’s been great. I mean, it’s not ideal with Evan working several nights a week, but Jules and I turn it into special time together, and Evan and I have time together if Jules has to work on one of his nights off, or on a weekend.”
“What about Jules and Evan having time together?”
“I’m almost always the first one out the door in the morning, and Jules can go in to work around mid-morning, so she and Evan spend most mornings together.”
“And the three of you have plenty of intimate time all together?”
He nodded slowly. “We do. It’s just …”
“Just what?”
“Since all this happened, my, uh, libido has taken a pretty big dive.”
Lauren wasn’t surprised to hear that. “That’s really common, actually, and shouldn’t be cause for alarm.
You’re dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety.
So your body is producing less serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, which affects everything from sleep, appetite, mood, motivation, to focus and energy levels.
At the same time, your body is producing more cortisol, which is a stress hormone that contributes to the development of depression, which usually affects sexual desire. ”
“Wonderful.”
“Once you start getting a handle on the emotional turmoil in your life—which is why journaling, grounding yourself, and taking care of yourself is so important—you should start seeing improvement. I would also recommend during this time, to try and engage in moments of intimacy with Jules and Evan, without expectation of sex, to keep that connection strong. If it leads to sex, great, but if it doesn’t, that’s still good, because it’s about the emotional connection staying strong while the sexual connection has decreased.
And honestly, in the end, emotional connection will outlast sexual connection, so making sure the emotional bond is strong is vital to a relationship’s longevity. ”
“Okay.”
Lauren paused before pivoting slightly. “How is it when the three of you go out in public?”
“For the most part, it’s been fine,” he told her, and went on to explain the dating ‘baby steps’ that had been taken, mainly for his benefit, since he was the one who’d had the most issues with ‘coming out’, especially the first few times he and Evan went out alone.
“I’ve gotten more comfortable being with Evan alone in public, as a couple, but I’m still self-conscious about overt displays of affection with him, which I know is upsetting to him.”
“How upsetting?”
“That might not be the right word.” Malcom struggled for a moment. “It’s disappointing to him that I can’t be as affectionate with him as he is with me, because it makes him feel not as valued. And my inability to be more affectionate is disappointing to me, too, but …”
“But what?”
He sighed. “Every time I hold his hand or kiss him, it feels like I’m shining a giant spotlight on the gay side of my sexuality, and I can’t help but shy away from that.”
“When you hold Jules’ hand or kiss her, do you feel like you’re shining a giant spotlight on the ‘straight’ side of your sexuality?”
He paused, because when she flipped the script, it made him realize the ridiculousness of it. “No. And I know where you’re going to go with this. You’re going to say this goes back to Monroe—”
“Of course it does. Most roads lead to him, when it comes to your issues.” She gave Malcom a long look, but not without compassion.
“You were shaped by his intolerance toward homosexuality—and as a fledgling bisexual young man—it not only stifled you, but led to the development of an unhealthy, widespread paranoia as well. It’s why you feel like you’re shining a giant spotlight on yourself when you’re with Evan alone, because you’re subconsciously assuming the people around you will have the same intolerance of homosexuality as Monroe.
“So there needs to be a realignment in your thinking, because right now, it’s pretty wonky.”
“Wonky?”
“Yes, wonky. You need to quit seeing everyone as a potential Monroe.”
“Okay, I understand what you’re saying, and it does make sense. Logically, I know not everyone is homophobic, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t out there.”
“Of course they’re out there. And you likely will come in contact with them because there will always be people who don’t approve of your lifestyle, but you shouldn’t be looking for them in every person you see.
But, say you’re out with Jules and someone does look at you sideways because they think you shouldn’t be with her for whatever reason—”
“Like I’m too old for her?”
“I don’t know why anyone would think that, but I guess it’s possible. However the reason itself doesn’t matter, because your response will be the same, no matter what, okay?”
“Okay.”
“So, you’re out with Jules and someone looks at you sideways because they think you shouldn’t be with her … so what do you do?”
“I … ignore it.”
“That’s right. Because a random stranger’s opinion does not matter. You ignore it and live your life. Now, what happens if you’re out with Evan and some random stranger looks at you sideways for whatever reason?”
“I … ignore it.”
“That’s right. Because a random stranger’s opinion does not matter. You ignore it and live your life.”
“Okay.”
“Now, I know experiencing something in real life is different than discussing it in my office, so, if you do find yourself experiencing someone legitimately giving you the stink eye, stay grounded in the moment. Tell yourself to ignore them, because … why?”
“Their opinion doesn’t matter. ”
“That’s right. People on the street have no power over you, so don’t let them have it. Don’t give them that power. It will take some work, but you can get there.”
“What if someone actually gives me shit when I’m with Evan? Because let’s face it, I’m not concerned about someone giving me shit when I’m with Jules.”
“That’s actually something we should address with Evan, because he likely has had experience with this. Which means I’d like you to bring Evan to your next session.”
Malcom cocked his head. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Okay.”
Lauren glanced at the wall clock, and even though there were ten minutes left in the session, it felt like a natural stopping point. As she walked with him to the door and went to open it, he stopped her by asking, “Will I ever get over all this?”
“You mean the trauma from your dad?”
“Yes. It feels like I never will.”
“That’s because you won’t,” she said quietly.
“No one gets ‘over’ their trauma, gets ‘around’ it, or ‘moves on’ from it, because that implies you can simply leave it behind in the dust, which you can’t.
You can work through it, but part of that process is being forced to make space for it in your life, because you have to carry it and learn to live with it, because it’s a part of you. A very important part.
“I know there are days when the process is difficult and motivation is hard to summon, but I’m here to tell you every slow, painful step is worth it.
Getting to the other side is worth it, no matter how long it takes.
Because you owe it to the part of yourself that was abused by the man who called himself your father—and got stuffed down into the darkness—to bring it out into the light and live. ”
To say Evan was surprised Lauren wanted him to come to a session with Malcom was an understatement .
As Evan got comfortable in his chair, Lauren gave him a friendly smile, putting him somewhat at ease. “I’m glad you came today,” she said.
“Anything I can do to help,” Evan returned.
“Malcom might have told you he and I discussed how to handle people in public who might not be very tolerant of two men being together, so I thought it would be a good idea to get your input. You’ve probably had some experience with that, I imagine?”
Evan shrugged a shoulder. “A little.”
“Would you be willing to share some of those experiences?”
“Well, the worst ones were when I was in high school,” Evan explained.
“I ended up getting into some fights, mainly because I was a little quick on the draw to throw a punch when being called a name, or ridiculed for being ‘different’. And it’s not like bisexuals weren’t around, because they were, it’s just that high school wasn’t really a place where you could be different and accepted at the same time.
Especially when you’re the only bisexual out of a thousand students …
well, the only one who was ‘out’, anyway.
So, I got in a few fights, because some of the people deserved to get punched, but as I got bigger and filled out, less people called me names or ridiculed me—at least to my face.
Then, in my senior year, I dated several popular girls, and at this point most of my fellow classmates didn’t really know what to do with me, so I was pretty much left alone during that time.
“Obviously I don’t get in too many fights anymore—” he broke off to clear his throat and glance over at Malcom with a quick grimace, “—but if someone’s being a little too free with their judgment, to the point where they say something, I will say something back.”
“Like what?”
Evan smiled. “Have a nice day.”
“You tell them to have a nice day?” Malcom asked, having expected it to be more along the lines of ‘Fuck off, motherfucker’.