Page 47 of The Holy Grail

His surprised expression—or appalled, she wasn’t sure which—had her wondering if she’d just made a dreadful mistake. “Yes, I’m saying I love you.”

“Oh, my God, what a relief.”

“Really? Because you looked kind of horrified at the possibility. ”

“Horrified? No, I wasn’t horrified.” He pulled her forward and smashed his lips to hers, with more force than finesse. “I’m extremely fucking happy you love me. Although, I had wanted to say it to you first.”

“You did? Then why didn’t you?”

“Because I knew I loved you the night I sort of stood you up at the French restaurant, which was way too soon to say it. So, I was waiting until it felt like the right amount of time had passed.”

“And what’s the right amount of time supposed to be?”

“I don’t know … six months?”

“Hmm, well, are you going to wait that long to actually tell me, or are you going to go for it now?”

He released a short chuckle before saying, “I love you, Jules.”

Hearing those words for the first time, from a man who wasn’t her father, sent a shiver down her spine. “And I love you, Mal,” she said, this time without any hesitation.

They sort of sat there for several moments, grinning like teenagers who’d just discovered weed, and then gradually Malcom became serious again. “So … getting back to Evan,” he said slowly, deliberately. “I need to know if you have feelings for him.”

She suspected he already knew the answer to that question, deep down. “Yes, I do.”

“Do you … love him?”

She paused, thinking. “I don’t know.”

“Jules …”

“I’m not trying to deflect. I’m really not.

I’ve just never allowed myself to put a label on how I feel about him, but in the two years I’ve known him, he’s never been totally out of my head.

Sometimes he was really in it, and it was hard to resist him, because he’s …

hard to resist.” At his look of Wow, that was profound , she made a face at him.

“Please. You know exactly what I’m talking about, having experienced him in the flesh, which, I might point out, is something I haven’t.

So, if anyone should be worried about what we have being threatened, it should be me. ”

“You just said we were strong. Strong, strong, you said.”

“Yeah, but that was before it occurred to me you’d seen him naked. That changes things.” She turned the tables on him. “So, what about you? Do you … love him? I know it was a while ago, but if you did love him during that time, those feelings could still be there, somewhere. ”

It was his turn to appear conflicted. “I did have strong feelings for him, but I was ashamed of them at the time. Was it love? I don’t know. Maybe. Are the feelings I still have for him love? I don’t know. Maybe. Like you, I never allowed myself to put a label on how I felt about him.”

“Last night, right before he passed out, he told me he loved me and questioned if the universe was punishing him in some way for something, or if it was just his bad luck to love two people, and have them be together.” She paused, then added softly, “He also said he wished he could learn to not love me and you … and that broke my heart.”

Malcom grabbed his glass of bourbon and drank the last of it in one gulp, because that broke his heart, too. “So, where do we go from here?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“On where we want to go. We have … options.”

“Options?”

“We could continue on as we are, just the two of us. Happy and committed to one another,” she said. “Nothing would even have to change, really, and on those occasions when we run into Evan—when we’re out somewhere or getting together with Paige and David—we keep it friendly.”

“You really think that’s possible?”

“I don’t know.” Jules sighed. “I’ve known him and had feelings for him longer than I have for you, which is kind of a mind fuck, to be honest.”

“I completely understand the mind fuck thing.”

“I’d have to really set aside my feelings for Evan, which will be more difficult now that I know about your history with him.

Before yesterday, it wasn’t easy, but it was at least doable …

but now it’s like not doable. Now, it’s like the wall I put between us and Evan got hit with a wrecking ball. Does that make sense?”

“It does. And I understand what you’re going through, because I did my best to not think about Evan during the past eight years, and it kind of worked, until yesterday. Then it quit working, and quit working big.”

Jules nodded, not surprised to hear that, as Malcom looked as tormented as she’d ever seen him. “That leaves our other option—”

“We adopt Evan? ”

The dry comment actually made Jules laugh out loud. She couldn’t help but picture her and Malcom bringing Evan home and him running through the house like a kid, excited to see his new digs. “I was going to say ‘bring him into the fold’.”

“Same difference.”

“You don’t seem surprised by that option.”

“Well, we either go forward without him, or we go forward with him. Those are really the only two options.” Malcom cleared his throat. “And honestly, the first option doesn’t seem feasible.”

“I don’t think it is, either. Which leaves us with the second option, which is only feasible if both of us can commit to being all in.”

They stared at one another, both obviously expecting the other to speak next. As soon as they realized that, they both began talking.

“Would you—”

“Would you—”

They both stopped, looking at one another again.

“You go first,” she told him.

“Would you be able to be with Evan, and also share me with him?” he asked.

“Yes, to being with him. And I know I’d said I wouldn’t be able to share you with someone else, but …

I could share you with him. It just feels like Evan is inevitable.

” Then lowering her voice, she added, “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be a huge life adjustment for me, because I’ve never even been in a threesome before, so I’d have to learn how and where everything goes—maybe reading a few romance books wouldn’t hurt—”

“Romance books?”

“There’s a lot of romance books out there in that genre. I’m just supposing it might be beneficial to read a few,” she explained. “Anyway, I’d be willing to give this triad thing a hell of a try.”

He still seemed skeptical, as if he’d expected her to have more reservations or concerns. “You really wouldn’t feel strange about any of it?”

“Well, I imagine some of it might be strange, but I won’t know what that’ll be until I get there. I went through some strange stuff with you, though, and I survived—”

“What strange stuff?”

“Like … you leaving the toilet seat up.”

“That really doesn’t qualify as strange.”

“Says you, because you’ve never almost fallen into the toilet in the middle of the night. ”

He made a face at her. “Jules, I’m talking about going out in public with two men, and having people see it, and likely being judgmental. That kind of stuff.”

“I don’t care what other people think, so I wouldn’t feel strange about that,” she replied, brushing his warning aside. “Plus, as you know, I have a gift for ignoring most judgmental people, and those who can’t be ignored, can be verbally dispatched pretty quickly.”

“What about telling your parents?”

She hardly had to think about that. “It would probably be something I tell them in person, but I wouldn’t have a problem doing it. And obviously I wouldn’t be doing it alone.”

“You don’t think they’ll lose their shit?”

“No, I don’t, because they’re pretty open-minded—”

“There’s open-minded, and then there’s open-minded .”

Jules blinked at him. “Okay, well, they’re open-minded . I mean, do you think I raised myself to be the way I am? Or do you think I had help?”

“Hmm.” Malcom blinked back at her. “Fair point.”

She gave him a long look, then turned his question back on him. “Would you be able to really be with Evan, and also share me with him?”

“Yes, to both.”

“What about going out in public and having people see you with a man and a woman, and being judgmental?”

“Obviously that will be an adjustment.”

“What about telling your parents? Your mom, I think, will be fine, since she’s a good person, but I’m sure your dad will be … problematic.”

He nodded. “My dad will definitely lose his shit.”

Jules could sense his rising anxiety, and she decided to put a pin in the conversation because they were getting ahead of themselves.

Gently squeezing his hand, she told him, “All of that is down the road. Way down the road. We don’t know what’s going to happen, not without talking to Evan first. For all we know, he might not be interested in being adopted—” she broke off as Malcom snorted.

“I think we should slow our roll, and not worry about item fifty on our list, when we’re not even at number one, yet.

Nothing happens until we have a conversation with Evan, and we should probably do that soon. ”

Malcom leaned forward to kiss her, before pressing his forehead to hers. “Maybe I should talk to him alone, first. ”

“Okay.”

Pulling back so he could gaze into her eyes, he asked, “You’re really prepared to cross the Rubicon?”

“What’s the Rubicon?”

“It’s a reference to Julius Caesar entering Roman territory in 49 B.C. by crossing the Rubicon, a stream in northern Italy. It just means the point of no return.”

“Then why didn’t you just say that?”

“Because I like being pretentious.”

“Well, you’re really good at it.” With a chuckle, she kissed him back, then turned serious again. “Anyway, as far as the Rubicon goes, I think we’ve already crossed it. We just need to find out if Evan is willing to cross it with us.”