Page 109 of The Holy Grail
Bullet points
Despite the activities of the previous night, when Malcom woke up the next morning at his usual time, bright and early, he couldn’t go back to sleep, so he decided to take care of some unfinished business at the cemetery.
This time, the weather was mild and sunny, a beautiful Autumn day, and he took that as a good sign.
“Let’s try this one more time, shall we?
” he asked the headstone, which had been ‘fixed’.
A square plaque made of matching black marble had been placed on the front, completely covering the crater, as well as the remaining ‘Father and Husband’ words.
After putting their heads together and researching potential quotes, Malcom and Martin had negated biblical verses in favor of part of a poem from William Wordsworth:
Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower, We will grieve not, rather find, Strength in what remains behind.
Even though it was doubtful Monroe had ever heard of Wordsworth, or if Monroe had ever read any poetry in his life, it was an aesthetic fix and Malcom could live with it.
Martin had also kept his word and made Malcom pay for it .
“Dear Motherfucker,” he began reading. “In an effort to keep this ‘Fuck You’ letter short and sweet, I’ve made it into a list of bullet points which I will now share with you. Some of them have added clarification, just to really drive the point home.
“One: I was never going to choose you over Evan. I really wanted you to know this before you died, but according to the Rolling Stones, ‘You can’t always get what you want’, but sometimes, ‘You get what you need’.
So … I’m telling myself maybe this was how it was supposed to happen, because telling you to go fuck yourself in person might not have gone well for me.
“Two: Pink shirts are not just for gay men and women.
“Three: I’ve been wondering how different everything would be if you’d been more tolerant, and let me naturally grow into the person I was meant to become.
However, that leads to wondering if the difference would have been such that I didn’t end up being with Jules and Evan, so it’s become a bit of a conundrum—which is a Word-of-the-Day, courtesy of Evan I thought I’d throw in.
So, in a twisted way, you did me a favor by being an asshole, because my reward has been pretty great in the end, and even though I wouldn’t give either one of them up for anything, that doesn’t mean you’ll be forgiven. Not by me, anyway.
“Four: Owning one hundred black suits is stupid—well, it was stupid. And they’ve all been donated to a Goodwill store, by the way, because I just love the thought of someone buying one of your two thousand dollar suits for twenty bucks.”
Malcom paused to look around and make sure there wasn’t anyone around, since he really didn’t want an audience. When the coast appeared to be clear, he began speaking again.
“Five: What did you do with the watch I gave you for Father’s Day when I was thirteen?
You know, I mowed lawns for two months to pay for it.
I was really proud of myself, and believed you when you said you loved it, but I’m thinking that was a lie, so fuck you for that.
Okay, this was more of a question than a bullet point, but I really would like to know what happened to that watch.
Unfortunately, you’re not going to be able to tell me, so I guess I’ll never know what happened to it …
although, not knowing might be better than knowing you threw it in the trash one day.
“Six: Track is a real sport.
“Seven: Why did it matter so much to you that I be straight? I know you’re from a different generation, blah fucking blah, but you were supposedly an educated, enlightened man, who defended all kinds of people in court, some of whom were accused of embezzlement, rape, and murder.
Yet, you were willing to cut me out of your life for being attracted to men, without even taking a minute to try and understand it, or learn to accept it.
I know you think you were a good father, but you weren’t.
You know who is a good father? Richard Shaw.
I actually wish you would have lived long enough to meet him, because I have a feeling he would’ve handed you your ass, and that would have been something to see.
“Eight: Remember all those times when you said something I was doing was ‘displeasing’ to you, or something I wasn’t doing—or might not do in the future—would ‘displease’ you?
I do, and none of that was okay. Especially when you said my not having children would ‘displease’ you.
Did you honestly think my decision to have children should be influenced by whether or not you would be ‘displeased’?
Like some kind of emotional blackmail? Jesus, the ego on you.
“Nine: Not taking us to Disneyland was really shitty, and I know in the scheme of things, it’s not a big deal, but it was a moment when you chose your work over your family.
It was just one of many moments, and after a while that pattern of choosing work over family became so commonplace, it was like you didn’t even have a family.
You know who wouldn’t have chosen work over taking his family to Disneyland? Richard Shaw.
“Ten: All the shit you gave me when I divorced Gwen? Fuck you for that. You took her side on everything, and even went so far as to say I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I do wonder if you would have felt that way if you’d known what she was really like and gotten to see her in action.
Hell, maybe you would have. You probably would have thought she was strong and fearless and getting rid of her was still the biggest mistake I ever made.
She probably could have performed ritual sacrifices with kittens and you would have still thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me.
” That last part had been crossed off because it had seemed a little over-the-top, but Malcom had decided to say it anyway, because it added a little something to the moment.
“So, I’m extremely glad to tell you how really fucking wrong you were about all of that.
Marrying her was actually the biggest mistake I ever made—” he broke off as something occurred to him.
“Although … I technically met Evan through her, so maybe marrying her wasn’t the biggest mistake I ever made.
” He paused, before finishing with, “No, the biggest mistake I ever made was caring so much about your approval, because I never got it, nor was I ever going to. I just wish I’d realized it sooner .
“Eleven: You never knew this, but I love to cook, and one day soon, I’m going to attend culinary school—gasp—and then open a restaurant … maybe with my half of your Roth IRA that I’m inheriting.
“Twelve: I’m pretty sure one of those expensive and ugly paintings you had hanging in your penthouse was actually hung upside down. Oh, and I also noticed you didn’t have a single picture of any family members there. Not one.
“Thirteen: I’ve had anal sex with Evan, and it was quite amazing, I have to say. So, hopefully, wherever you are, you now know your son took it in the ass.
“Fourteen: That bullshit epitaph you had put on your headstone?
I truly hope you were able to watch what I did to it—which was totally worth sitting in a jail cell for an hour, in case you were wondering.
I also would have been fine with it remaining vandalized forever, but I let Martin win that battle and forked over two hundred dollars for the plaque, which I did for him, not you.
“Fifteen: I want you to know that today, right at this moment, I’m more myself than I’ve ever been.
I’m happy, fulfilled, and most importantly, loved.
I’ve been waiting for this my whole life, and while I know you wouldn’t give a shit, because you never cared if I was any of those things, I no longer have this burning anger inside me because of it.
I feel sorry for you, actually, because I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced those things.
I doubt you’ve ever been really happy, unless you were winning a court case, or felt fulfilled outside of a courthouse.
And as far as being loved goes, your wives probably loved you in the beginning, but it didn’t last because I don’t think you truly loved them in return.
Same with me. Now, Martin might be the one person who did love you, and whom you loved in return, but how much of that was because you molded him into being just like you? ”
Malcom paused for a long moment, taking deep breaths of the fresh air.
“Well, that’s all I have to say, except to let you know I’m going to do my level best to give you as little thought as possible in the future.
You’ll get no more of my time, if I can help it, because I got very little of your time when you were alive.
Sadly, I have no real fond memories to look back on, but even if I did, they wouldn’t change how I feel about you.
The last time I saw you is who you really were, unfortunately.
“So, this is it. I probably won’t ever be back, because I’ll be busy living my best life, without you in it. ”
Finished, he folded the letter and put it into his pocket. As he turned to leave, he noticed the groundskeeper stop in his little golf cart and give Malcom a long, suspicious look.
He simply waved in return and headed to his car, feeling lighter than he had in ages, like he’d put Monroe to rest. And even though Malcom hadn’t gotten the face-to-face confrontation he’d thought he wanted, the one he’d gotten was satisfying enough.
On his way home, with the radio tuned to a funky disco station, he stopped at a red light, and glanced over to see a nice restaurant on the corner to his right. He took in the classical architectural details—and the amazing amount of parking—and murmured to himself, “Soon.”