Page 46 of The Holy Grail

Crossing the Rubicon

Jules hadn’t woken up with a hangover in a long time.

She’d forgotten how awful it was as she extricated herself from the couch, doing her best not to disturb Evan, who had her practically pinned to the back cushion.

She then made her way to his bathroom, which turned out to be surprisingly clean for a single man, and she quickly took care of business before splashing cold water on her face and using some of his mouthwash to gargle with.

Once she was done with that, she checked his medicine cabinet for Motrin, telling herself it was medically necessary to invade his privacy.

After luckily finding some (along with a large box of condoms), she swallowed several tablets and washed them down with about a gallon of water from the tap.

Back in the living room, she took a moment to gaze at Evan, with his relaxed facial features, sleep-ravaged hair, the Pink Floyd T-shirt riding up enough to expose part of his happy trail, and his bare feet, which were oddly endearing.

It was actually difficult to leave.

As she was getting into her car, her phone alerted her to an incoming text.

MALCOM: Where are you at? I came by your place to talk.

Jules inwardly groaned, because to do so out loud would have made her head hurt worse .

JULES: I’ll explain when I get home. JULES: I should be there in ten minutes.

By the time she arrived home, the Motrin had actually started to kick in a little, but not enough to make her look like she wasn’t in bad shape as Malcom followed her inside her apartment.

“Are you okay?” he asked as she got a glass of water and drank half of it.

Jules saw him registering the fact she was still wearing yesterday’s clothes, but didn’t say anything about it, God bless him.

“I’m just a little hungover,” she replied, then went for full disclosure, because why wait? “I was with Evan last night, and we had a long conversation over too many shots of tequila. So, that’s why I look like this.”

Malcom sat down in the nearest chair, which was at her kitchen table. “You stayed with him all night?”

She was glad he didn’t lie and tell her she looked fine. “Yes. We ended up kind of passing out on the couch.”

He didn’t look overly pleased to hear that, but he didn’t ask if ‘anything happened’, which was either a testament to his trust in her, or his thinking it unlikely anything could have happened after ‘too many’ shots of tequila. Or, maybe it was both.

She sat down in the chair next to him, really admiring his restraint.

If she was the one being told he’d passed out on the couch with someone who had a thing for him, after having a long conversation and a lot to drink, Jules probably would have become a little unhinged and demanded all the answers.

“Most of the conversation revolved around you, him, and Gwen.”

He nodded, as if not in the least bit surprised.

While he listened, she filled him in on almost everything Evan had said, starting with the lesson on triads (minus the drawings), going through his point of view during the four month long ‘relationship’, and how he’d wanted the three of them to go to the next level and be completely interactive.

“I didn’t know any of that,” Malcom said, getting up to restlessly walk around the small kitchen, only to come back and sit down again.

“Apparently he contacted Gwen to talk about it and she was really awful to him.”

His dark eyebrows pinched together. “What? ”

Jules told him what had transpired between Gwen and Evan and when she was finished, Malcom looked both distraught and pissed. “What a bitch.”

“That’s exactly what I said.”

He sighed. “I really didn’t know about any of that. I didn’t know Evan had those kind of feelings for me.”

“If you had known he loved you, would it have changed anything?”

Malcom pressed his lips together for a moment before getting up and walking around again.

This time, however, he ended up in front of the cabinet that held her liquor, and pulled out her bottle of Maker’s Mark bourbon, despite it not even being 11:00 a.m., yet.

Next, he found a glass and brought them both back to the table and sat down, before pouring himself several fingers.

The smell of the alcohol actually made Jules’ stomach churn a little, as did watching him take a long drink.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly.

His answer actually told her a lot. He didn’t deny it outright, which meant it potentially could have changed things. “I need you to be honest with me about this, Mal,” she said, reaching over and taking his free hand, the one not holding the bourbon. “I need to know if you had feelings for him.”

He took another long drink before answering. “Yes, I did.”

Jules waited until he met her gaze. “See? That wasn’t so hard.”

“It was, actually. It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted to having feelings for another man.”

Because he looked extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable, she got up and climbed onto his lap, straddling his legs. She then put her hands on his face and kissed him. When she pulled back, she asked, “Was Evan the first man you’ve had feelings for?”

“No. There was someone in high school, but … I don’t know if he was into guys or not.

Not that I would have done anything about it if I’d known.

” He finished off the bourbon in his glass.

“How did Evan put it? I was in the closet with a couple of deadbolts on the inside of the door? Yeah, that was me. It kind of still is, actually.”

“Because you’re afraid to admit you’re bisexual?”

“A little bit. I’ve been fighting it and hiding it my whole life. So, admitting it—especially to you—is difficult.”

“Even though I told you it wouldn’t bother me at all? ”

He shrugged. “You might have thought it wouldn’t bother you in theory , only to have it bother you when faced with the reality.”

“It doesn’t. It changes nothing for me.” Jules paused before asking, “How strong were your feelings for Evan?”

“Too strong.” He reached for the Maker’s Mark and poured some more into his glass.

“What do you mean?”

“It was very early into the ‘relationship’ when I realized I didn’t really like watching him fuck Gwen because it actually made me jealous.

I wasn’t jealous Gwen was fucking him, which didn’t make sense, since she was my wife, but it’s how I felt.

I think that’s why, when he asked me to join in, it made me feel better.

Especially the way he always looked at me, giving me his full attention. ”

“So, you liked the attention from him?”

Malcom nodded.

“Did you ever want to touch him, or … engage with him sexually?”

He nodded again. “I never did, though. I didn’t know what Gwen would do—”

“But you said she played around with the women you were with.”

“Yeah, but it seemed like she did it more for me than for her, if that makes any sense, and I knew if I were to put my hands on Evan, it would have been for me, not her. And since my being attracted to Evan—or men in general—had never come up, it probably would have made things really weird. Plus, I was afraid to.” He took another drink of bourbon.

“Did you ever suspect Evan was attracted to you, on a deeper level?”

“Honestly, not really. Not anything beyond enjoying what the three of us were doing. He was always easy-going. Of course, I wasn’t looking very closely, either. But, now I know he had feelings for me, some things make more sense.”

“Like what?”

“Like him always including me. Watching me.” Malcom met her eyes.

“One time—this was toward the end—Gwen switched things up by having Evan be the observer and watch her and I have sex, and she, uh, told him he could jerk off if he wanted to, and he did. However, she ended up not liking it, and that was the one and only time she had him watch us.”

“She probably didn’t like it because she knew he was getting off on you, not her.”

“Maybe. He was mostly focused on me the entire time, so, it’s possible. ”

Jules didn’t know what Gwen looked like (naked or otherwise), but she knew what Malcom looked like in his bare skin, and couldn’t blame Evan one bit for watching Malcom in action.

“Do you still have feelings for Evan?” she asked softly. When his expression became slightly guarded, she assured him, “This isn’t a trick question and there is no wrong answer. I only want honesty.”

He sighed. “Yes, I still have feelings for him.”

Jules gave him a rewarding smile. “See? That wasn’t so hard.”

“Yes, it was, actually.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this the other night?” she wanted to know.

“Well, it was partly because I didn’t think I’d ever run into him again, so I told myself there was no point, but it was mostly because I was still being a coward. That was something I was going to talk about with you today, though.”

“Does that mean you were able to work through what you needed to?”

“Sort of. Seeing Evan after all these years brought a lot of things to the surface and really threw me for a loop, especially when confronted with you knowing him. It added a bizarre layer, you know?”

“I know. It did for me, too, putting a name and a face to ‘the bartender’.”

“I did a lot of thinking, about my past relationship with Evan, and also your ongoing relationship with him. I thought about you saying you would have gone out with him, that you were sexually attracted to him, and what that might mean for you and me. Would it threaten what we have? I didn’t know.

” He took a deep breath. “I’m still not sure, actually. ”

Jules gave a little shake of her head. “It’s not going to threaten what we have, because what we have is strong.”

“How strong?”

Outside of her parents and Paige, Jules had never told another person she loved them, but she knew what it felt like, and it was time to throw the words out there and hope they landed smoothly. “ Strong , strong. Like … love, strong.”

“Love?” His eyes grew impossibly wide. “Are you saying you love me?”