Page 43

Aoi

I don’t know how I end up near Lake Washington, but I somehow do. Matter of fact I should check my location because I’m not even sure where exactly I am.

It’s frisky and now I feel stupid for wandering around for hours on end like a ghost. I should go back home but I really couldn’t care less about sleeping on the side of the road like a beggar.

Right. I lost my goddamn mind, haven’t I?

Too busy, strolling through this unending city I can’t remember how many drinks I downed in the mere four hours I’ve been out of the bar.

My fingers are rosy and rough from the low temperature which is strange because we’re in March and it’s not even that cold usually. It must be because I’m drunk. Yeah, that makes sense.

I still feel like absolute crap and no mount of tequila helped my fucked-up brain move on from the straight up assault of Visha’s words.

Among the hundreds of useless thoughts wandering through my head, one strikes me like a good idea. And it most definitely isn’t one but who cares? I’m already lower than hell mentally. As if it could possibly get worse.

I fish out my phone and call the only person I think I can talk to without judgement.

It rings for a while and since it’s two a.m. I’m not sure if she’ll even pick up. Honestly, she should just tell me to fuck off alrea-

“Aoi? Is something wrong?” Her voice is rough as though she just woke up. “Are you okay?”

Fuck, this was a bad idea. Tears well up in my eyes and I hate how glad I am to hear her voice. “Amira. Sorry to wake you. I shouldn’t have called.”

“Why, love? It’s alright, I wasn’t sleeping.”

She always calls me by sweet names, treating me like I’m one of her younger siblings. I think among my friends she’s the only one able to make me feel like a child in his mother’s arms. She reminds me of how I used to behave around my little sister.

I bite back a sob. “I wanted to talk. But now that you’re here I don’t know what to say.”

“Where are you? Are you outside?” she asks. I hear sheets ruffle beside her and the familiar voice of a woman. “Tell me what happened.”

I wonder what she’s thinking. I never call and especially not to talk about whatever crap is putting my mind to the torch.

I stifle a breath. “Do you think I hate myself? Is that how you girls see me too?”

“Why are you saying that? Of course not. Did someone say something similar to you? That you hate yourself?” Her voice softens. “Do you?”

Do I? Do I hate myself? Is that what she’s asking?

I’m fucking laughable for considering saying yes to her. I never admitted it out loud. Never have I ever thought I’d ever confess my self-loathing to someone that baths in sunlight such as Amira.

“I got into an argument with Visha.”

Her voice transmits the smile on her lips. “I see,” she replies, as if it made complete sense. As if she didn’t need more to understand the stupid reason why I’m so upset. “I always knew you made that boy an unattainable mountain.”

“I don’t do that.”

“You see him like you see Maia.”

My sweet Maia.

I stop walking and stare at the glistening lake. “He’s my family. Of course I regard him highly. You love your siblings as well.”

“You’re not wrong but you know that it’s not the same,” she points out. “You might’ve unconsciously tried to replace your family with Visha.”

“Man, I suck. Do you really think that’s all I feel for him? That he’s a mere replacement for my sister?” I ask, more offended than I wish I sounded.

Amira’s tone carefully adjusts to my outburst. “Aoi, I know how you see it but it’s common for someone who lost as many loved ones as you did in such a short period of time, to use a new person as a replacement for the joy they lost. Visha didn’t have anyone else after all, so he needed you . You gave him a home and a future. Don’t you think that deep down, you were always dependent on the fact that he needed you to survive?”

I inch closer to the border and stare down at the pitch-black bottom of the water. “Without him, I have nothing.”

“You associated him with hope and happiness. I think to the point that you’ve forgotten how to live without him. So, his words hold more importance than you think. Which is why you’re as affected as you are at the moment.” She sighs. “You would’ve never called me if that wasn’t the case. You’re too focused keeping your problems and feelings to yourself to ever consider reaching out to me or Elena and Sally.”

She’s right. No matter how hard it becomes to breathe because my skin is burning, I’d rather choke on the smoke than ask for help.

I swallow the lump in my throat. “He said-” I shut my eyes, clutching my chest, and holding the phone with more force than needed. “He said that the reason why I sacrifice myself isn’t because I love him. It’s because I don’t value myself.”

“And you believed it?”

“You wouldn’t?”

She laughs not out of mockery but because she must have expected my answer. “You have the tendency to take negative comments to heart and completely disregard positive ones. Visha didn’t mean a word he said.”

“But he was right. Amira, he might’ve not meant it, but I know it’s true.” My eyes peel open. “I do. I do and I can’t stop…”

My breathing is a mess and so am I. I can’t even say out loud that I fucking despise myself. I make myself sick.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say it if it’s too hard. You should go home and sleep the alcohol off then talk to him. Let him explain himself and you’ll see that he never meant a word he said.”

She’s right. But I can’t go home now. How can I look him in the eyes after running away from the truth like a coward?

“Do you wanna tell me why you fought in the first place?”

I shake my head before remembering that she’s not next to me and thus I voice my answer. “No, it’s stupid.”

“Is it really stupid or do you say it is because you don’t think it matters enough to be addressed?”

“I hate you, you know?” I slide my fingers over the hem of my sweater. “Why do you always play the therapist?”

She laughs. “You called me because you needed this so stop whining and spill the beans.”

“Fine. Fine.” I suck in a breath and feel the haze in my mind slowly fade. “He got jealous of my supposed preference for Jason and threw a tantrum. One thing led to another, and we began arguing over I don’t even know what until he said that thing and I ran away like a scared cat.”

“You ran away and left a confused and upset fifteen years old alone in your appartement? Aoi, are you kidding me?”

I wince. “I know that was immature, but I couldn’t stand there and listen to him say how pathetic I am.”

She groans on the other end of the phone. “How long have you been out and drinking?”

“About four hours I think?” I hold the phone away from my ear and check the time. “Yeah, four hours. I left around ten and like an idiot I ran to the first bar and once I was drunk enough, I started walking aimlessly and ended up here.”

“Here where?”

I hesitate before telling her in a strangled sigh, “Around Lake Washington.”

“Lake Washington? Honey, where exactly? The lake is massive. For all I know you could be in Seward Park. Though I don’t know how you even would’ve gotten that far.”

Her raising voice sends a pang of pain through my skull, reminding me of the indecent amount of tequila I’m running on. “Don’t yell. I’m near Deny Blaine Park. Mind you I’ve never walked as much in my life.”

“I can imagine. That’s like four miles from where you live.” I hear the sound of tap water running when she says, “Call an uber or something and go home. Never mind I’m coming. Don’t move.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll call Jason,” I assure as if I even thought about alerting him in the first place of the mess I’m in.

“You sure? Then call him the second you hang up with me, okay? And text me when you’re home or I’ll find you and whoop your preppy white ass.”

Talk about tough love. That woman could really kick my ass. “I promise.”

I’ve been making a lot of promises lately. I wonder what’s giving me the confidence that I’ll somehow manage to keep them all.