Page 39

Visha

Chopsticks in hand, he digs back into his sushi, smiling as he munches on a California roll.

“I love you, Aoi,” I say. “More than anyone. Now and forever.”

He shakes and I catch a glimpse of his curled lips. He’s laughing? Did I say something funny?

“You’re such a blessing, you know?”

I pinch his arm. “I confess my feelings for you, but you make fun of me. That’s just mean.”

He regains a semblance of seriousness as he clears his throat. “I really think we should talk about that. It’s important that things are clear between us. I know you’re still young and you don’t really know what’s happening with your feelings but that’s exactly why this should be addressed.”

I freeze instantly, dreading whatever he’s going to say.

“I should have done a better job at raising you,” he starts. “There are some fundamentals that I haven’t brought up with you which I should have a long time ago. I know that I’m still lacking as a parental figure and that I should’ve taught you more about these things.”

I remain silent, shamefully staring at the floor. He’s referring to the kiss, isn’t he? Now , I’m starting to genuinely regret it.

“Aoi-”

He holds up a hand, shutting me up. “This is important. Listen to me please.”

So, I do.

“It was my responsibility and duty to teach you about boundaries and puberty and I failed. I shouldn’t have let you learn merely through experience. I thought I was coddling you and that some things weren’t my job to instruct you on, but I was wrong.”

“Nothing you could’ve done differently would’ve changed the outcome.”

“That’s not true, Visha. If I had been a better model for you, things would be different now. Your feelings are heavily influenced by hormonal changes, and I failed to explain this to you.”

“Why do you belittle my love for you? Why is it so hard to accept that I love you as a man and not as a parental figure?”

He shakes his head. “You’re too young to understand. You don’t love me as you think you do, sweetheart. You mistake your affection for me for something you’d feel for a romantic partner.”

“I’m not! Stop saying shit like that,” I shout, crimson with anger. “I’m not mistaking anything! I love you! I want you more than anyone in the world and I know I could never feel this way for anyone else! I don’t understand why you keep pushing me away like this.”

“I’m not pushing you away.”

“Yes, you are!”

“You have to understand this, Visha! It’s a serious matter.”

“Why do I have to give up the only good thing I’ve ever felt?”

Sighing he grabs my hands, flipping them over to spread my palms. “It’ll pass. These…emotions that you think you’re feeling will pass. Give it some time. You will fall in love with a sweet boy one day and he’ll make you happy. You’ll see that whatever you think you’re feeling right now is a misunderstanding.”

My heart hammers in my chest, urging me to be heard. I can’t make him listen. This idea of us being a perfect family, having a paternal or brotherly bond, is so ingrained in his mind that I have no power to change it.

“You shouldn’t have kissed me.”

“I-”

“No, Visha. There is no room for discussion.” He sighs. “You’re too precious for me to have this nonsense ruin our family.”

Yanking my hands out of his, I spin around and as I start walking away, I halt. I don’t want to argue with him. Not now and honestly, not ever again. I hate this. Why can’t he understand me?

I glance back at him. His sapphire jewels flicker with a silent prayer. I get it. I hate that I understand his wish so well. If only he could plunge in the depth of my heart and glimpse at the intensity of my feelings for him.

It’s fine. I can pretend to understand. I can just behave accordingly to his needs. A family is what he wants then that’s what I’ll be.

“You’re right. I’m just confused,” I give in. “I don’t know what’s going on with my head.”

Relief illuminates his fair complexion. “It’s okay. Soon you’ll get over this misunderstanding and we’ll laugh about it.”

No, I won’t. I could never get over him and I’ll make him see it. One day.