Page 36

Aoi

Visha left for school early this morning, so we didn’t really get the chance to talk. He behaved strangely at dinner yesterday, as though he wanted his brother out of the picture. I tried to be impassive and to pretend I’m fine but it’s hard.

I have so many questions and yet no way to ask them. Why did Visha kiss me? Why didn’t he tell me about Bellami? Why did he try to lie about it? Why was he so against his brother coming over and why didn’t he want him to stay?

I despise the man, but I have to stay courteous. He’s going to be an integral part of Visha’s life and therefore mine.

Though that 'joke' about an extended vacation to France enraged me. Family or not, Visha isn’t leaving the continent with someone he met a few days ago.

I won’t allow it.

I step into the office, ready to get to work but I just can’t concentrate. My thoughts are a mess, and my head starts pounding atrociously until I finally decide to take the day off. I wouldn’t have been able to get anything productive done anyway. I exit the building unhurriedly, pondering whether to head straight home and nap or find a bottle to ease my throbbing head.

Neither seems sufficient so I pick the third option.

The drive to Jason’s office strikes me as a never-ending path through a city I know by heart. Deafeningly hammering in my chest, my heart utters irrefutable truths. It reveals my fears, fortifying my doubts. I can try as endlessly as I wish to ignore the pounding, trapping me in doubt, but it’ll catch up to me and swallow me up eventually.

There’s no way out for me. Terror claws at my skin begging to rip me apart as it did after the accident. A little voice whispers against my better judgment to just hit the accelerator and let go.

Why are my worst feelings surging out of nowhere? Everything’s fine. I’m fine and content so why ? Something feels wrong. An alarm blares loudly in my gut, begging me for something. But what? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I’m so flawed that I can’t go through the day without drowning in self-doubt and self-loathing. All there’s left of myself is false pretense, forced smiles and negative thoughts obsessively plaguing my judgment.

I press on the accelerator, needing to get out of here. I glance at the counter and watch the numbers go up. I’m way over the limit, but the rush of adrenaline sends a wave of calm over me. Cars now flash past me like little bugs, barely visible at the speed I’m driving.

This is dangerous. I should slow down, I really should but I can’t. My blood is pumping in my veins, and a smile spreads over my lips. I want to crash this car into a wall and end this numb sensation in my limbs. What’s the point of any of this anyway?

A red light pops out of nowhere, forcing me to hit the brakes, making the car halt violently. Honks blare around me. People shout but I can’t hear them. Everything’s a blur. My vision’s a haze, and the sounds are all muffled by the thundering noise of my hammering heartbeat. It takes me a long minute to get back to my senses and realize what I did.

If that red light hadn’t been there how far would I have gone? What was I thinking?

One thing goes wrong, and somehow, I try to kill myself? It can’t be. Not this way. Not the way my parents died. Not the way Maia was sent to the hospital just to die later.

I don’t want to die . No, I- I just don’t want to feel these guttural emotions anymore. I just want to feel okay again. Death is the easy way out, but I don’t need a way out, right?

Fuck, a way out for what? What the hell am I thinking? I’m not making sense. I’m fucked up. Ruined goods. I need help but how? I can’t think straight. How am I supposed to take care of Visha when I’m so unstable? He deserves someone fit to raise him. Someone like…Bellami.

I lean my forehead over the steering wheel and let out a choked sigh. The leather sticks to my skin and for a moment I imagine myself gone. “What am I doing?”

The noise in the street fades and the light turns green. Off I go, but my trajectory changed.

Jason can’t save me. Visha isn’t my miracle pill. I have to get better. Not through someone else but through my own determination. I owe them that. Things have to change. I can’t just stand here and watch myself burn through the reflection of my wasted life.

I glance at the time. “Visha should be home by now. I should head back.”

***

“How was work?” Visha’s tender voice welcomes me in.

I suddenly feel stupid for even worrying. I’m not going to make that mistake again. Kicking off my shoes, I walk up to him, needing to feel his presence. A sudden gasp escapes his lips as I pull him against me, holding him in my arms.

He’s right here. He’s in my arms. Then why do I feel like he’s slipping away?

“What’s wrong? Did something happen at work?” he inquires, reciprocating my sign of affection.

I shake my head against his skin. “It’s nothing. I’m fine, I just wanted to hug you.”

Inhale.

Exhale.

“Oh, okay. But you’re sure nothing happened?” He gently pulls away from me, scanning my face for clues. “What’s that?”

He reaches for my brow and wipes something off it. Bringing his fingers up to himself to take a better look, his eyes widen at the red liquid coating the tip.

“What the hell happened? Why is there blood on your brow? Are you okay? Did you get into an accident? Are you hurt?”

He grips my shoulders tightly, scanning my body for more wounds but I brush him off. “I’m fine. I just had to brake rather suddenly at a red light. I’m okay. It doesn’t even hurt, matter of fact, I didn’t even notice the wound.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re fine.”

I ruffle his hair, chortling as I make my way into the living room and fall back on the couch. Visha rushes toward the bathroom before coming back out with a first aid kit.

“That’s so unnecessary.”

He kneels down between my legs and forces me to look at him. “Not to me. You getting hurt is a big deal. You should take better care of yourself.”

A frown creases his brows, and I wince as he dabs the soaked cotton pad on the cut. “You should be more careful. How can I leave knowing you’re so reckless?”

“Where would you even go?” I ask, trying to hold back the laughter so as not to bother him with my treatment. “Right, Bellami mentioned that stupid extended vacation. Maybe you can bring me a souvenir from France and he can shove a baguette up his ass while he’s at it.”

Am I seriously angry right now? It’s not Visha’s fault that his brother is a rude piece of shit.

He suddenly goes quiet and lets his hands fall into his lap. Avoiding my gaze, he plays with the cotton pad and parts his lips, but nothing comes out.

“Visha?”

“I’m leaving.”

My smile falters instantly trying to understand his words, but my brain isn’t registering. My heart sinks, tumbling down into the gutter.

“You’re…leaving?” I exhale the breath I didn’t notice I was holding in. “What do you mean? With whom? Where? When? Are you gonna stay silent? Answer me.”

He lowers his gaze on the cotton pad still in his hand and shrugs. “He’s my brother. We’re family? Uhm…he- you know. He wants to adopt me, and he says everything’s ready for me to go back home to France.”

Home. He calls his brother’s place home . Am I not his home then? Did those three years we spent together mean nothing? Is it because of that fight we had yesterday? If- if that’s the case, then I can make him stay, right? I can fix this. He doesn’t look angry, just exhausted. Does he really want to go? I- I can’t hold him back, can I? Who am I to try to convince him to stay with me?

I nod, attempting to compose myself. I can’t look hurt or upset. He must’ve thought about this thoroughly. But they only met three days ago, isn’t that too sudden?

“This is all so…sudden. How come you suddenly want to leave? That’s odd. You cling to me like a lifebuoy, and you want to move to the other side of the globe?”

None of this makes sense! Why does he want to leave? Just because they’re blood related? That can’t be it.

He scratches his nape, barely meeting my gaze. “Yeah…I should’ve mentioned this earlier, I guess. I just didn’t know how. He’s my brother.”

That’s the reason? Because he’s his brother?

He doesn’t need me, doesn’t want to be with me. What more is there to wonder about? It’s as simple as that. He’s going back to where he belongs, and I’m going back to my initial life. Who knows, maybe it’s for the best.

“When are you leaving?” I grab the cotton pad out of his hand, squeezing it until my knuckles turn white.

He stares at me seemingly taken aback but doesn’t say much other than, “At the end of the week. He wants us to go as soon as possible.”

We succumb to silence, trying to decipher each other’s thoughts. A week. A fucking week?! Next he’s going to tell me that Beyoncé died. I’d take that news better!

I suck in a deep breath. I can’t lose my shit, not in front of Visha.

“I see.”

“It’s the best for me.”

“The best for you? Mhm, I suppose you’re right.”

I want to cry and shout, but I have no right. He’s neither my child nor my sibling. I have no legal nor blood right to keep him by my side. I have to let him go but what the actual fuck! I don’t understand. I’m stuck between finding Bellami and smacking him back to France with a baseball bat and simply going to a bar and drowning my thoughts in booze.

I thought he considered me family. Turned out I was dead fucking wrong.

“Are you upset?” he asks in a tiny voice, his golden eyes welling up with tears. “I know it’s sudden, but I really want this.”

He wants this? But how can I possibly let go of him?

“Well, I’d be lying if I said no. I’m not mad of course. I mean I understand your reason. I just- I didn’t think this would happen.”

I bite back a silent sob. Fuck, I can’t cry. He probably feels guilty enough without me making it worse, but it hurts so fucking much. I want to understand but I just can’t.

“But we’ll stay in touch, right?” He gazes up at me, dripping with hope. “There’s no reason why we wouldn’t. I’ll call often and text you every day!”

My entire being is crumbling into pieces. I’m a fragmented mess of broken glass. All there’s left of me is shattered hope.

I can’t breathe.

“Of course we will. I’ll come find you in France if you don’t reply when I text you!”

“Yeah! Nothing has to change. We’ll be in touch, and I’ll come by for the holidays.”

I smile because there’s nothing else left to do.

“I have to go see my friends. They’re not aware of the situation yet and I shouldn’t wait too long to tell them.” He gets off the floor, grinning ear to ear.

Right, his friends. He has to tell his friends about it. Can I really let this go? Fuck it.

“Visha, I-”

But the look he gives me shuts me up when it dawns on me that he deserves better. He jumps into my arms, hugging me so tightly I almost suffocate and yet I relish the feeling.

“Don’t come home too late. I’ll order us some sushi and we’ll watch Coraline again, how’s that sound?”

Brimming with eagerness, he gets off me and rushes to the door, turning around one last time and says, “I love you Aoi. Now and forever.”

The door slams shut behind him, suffocating me in a thick silence. “I love you too,” I mutter.

Now and forever.

Barely a second left with my thoughts and it becomes too much. Why do I tear myself down to be built back up again just to have my heart smashed against a concrete wall? Why is it always me? Why can’t I keep my loved ones in my life? Why does everyone always leave? Is it me? Am I just unlovable? Am I not enough? Not good enough? What do I have to do to be loved? I just want to be loved and cherish those I care for. Why is everyone leaving me? Am I really cursed to be alone forever?

I’m bound to love and lose.

Every. Damn. Time.

I lean back against the frame and stare at the ceiling. My phone goes off. What now? I throw a swift glance at the screen and grimace. Unknown number.

I reluctantly pick up the phone. “Hello?”

“Good afternoon, Aoi. I hope I’m not bothering you right now,” Bellami says, a smile clear through his tone.

“Oh no, not at all. I actually just finished talking to Visha about him moving. I was not expecting that.”

A low snicker rumbles on the other end. “He told you, huh? Better late than never.”

“I guess?” Who the fuck says 'better late than never' to such devastating news?

Maybe it’s easy and fine for him because it isn’t his heart being ripped to shreds and tossed into a container of fucking bleach!

All this shit to prove my intuition and fears were justified. I knew something bad would happen. I knew this whole brothers finding each other couldn’t be good news. Jason warned me but NO, I just had to believe that things would be fine.

Nothing is fucking fine!

“I suppose I can speak freely now. I’ll get straight to the point then,” Bellami starts, dropping the sweet brother act and turning into a cold blade, cutting me with his words. “My men will come by and take care of my brother’s belongings in the next days. You won’t have to worry about him anymore.”

What the fuck? I can’t believe my ears. “ Excuse me ? Was that your plan all along? Coming into my home just to tear my family apart?”

“ Your family?” he scoffs condescendingly. “Visha is my brother. If anyone’s overstepping their place it’s you. Besides, it doesn’t matter because he’s coming with me whether you like it or not. On these words, goodbye.”

With no decency, nor feigned sympathy he hangs up, leaving me hanging in outrage. What a fucking douchebag. I can’t believe my sweet Visha chose to go live with that jerk.

He’s known the man for three days while he’s known me for three years . Three years of fun, happiness, love and peace. The choice is simple, isn’t it?

Then why did he choose him ? Why couldn’t he choose me ? Am I fated to be an everlasting second choice?

Hell, I’m not even a choice at this point. All I want is to be at the top of someone’s list for once.

Dazed, tears form and start rolling down my cheeks, melting my skin like acid.