Page 17

Visha

He stares at the road clearly avoiding the question.

Is it so personal that he can’t tell me?

He yawns and glances at me through the mirror. “It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with.”

He doesn’t look like he wants to talk about it. He definitely won’t answer any more questions, and I don’t want to anger him again by pushing it, so I remain silent the rest of the drive.

Aoi’s side profile is majestic. He’s genuinely mesmerizing. Pale skin, deep blue eyes, a soft straight nose, small but full lips and his jawline is defined but he still has plump cheeks.

His lashes flutter with each blink, and I find myself strangely entranced by the sight. He doesn’t pay me any attention as he’s transfixed on the road.

It’s already pretty dark outside. I can’t be bothered to check the time, but I’m guessing it must be at least midnight. My body keeps telling me to shut up and close my eyes, but I want to keep watching Aoi drive.

A song comes up on the radio and it makes his lips curl into a faded smile. Oh, so he likes this song?

As if out of reflex I take a look at the screen indicating Not strong enough by Boygenius. I don’t know the song, never heard it before but I know from this night on I will listen to it whenever I can.

The blue of his eyes darkens as the singer sings 'always an angel, never a God. I don’t know why I am the way I am'.

He looks so conflicted with himself, and I want to reach out to comfort him. But then I realize that he probably didn’t mean to let me see him experiencing raw feelings out in the open. He doesn’t cry, doesn’t utter a word but his eyes tell a whole story in the blink of the night.

As we arrive, I pretend to be asleep, and let him carry me up to the apartment. It’s a hassle to keep the act up and not expose myself but Aoi’s so kind. Maybe even too kind. So generous that he’d let the world hurt him without fighting back.

He carries me all the way to his bed, laying me down like a princess as he tries his best 'not to wake me up'.

Will he get mad if I stop pretending?

As he’s about to take off, I call out for him, “Aoi?”

He turns around, facing me, but I can’t discern his features with the lights off.

“I sometimes have nightmares,” I admit.

I don’t know what my goal is by confessing, but it makes Aoi turn back on his feet and sit on the edge of the bed. He turns on the lamp on the nightstand, revealing a soft smile filled with compassion.

No pity, never pity.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I nod, searching for the best way to address this but there is none, so I inhale a deep breath. “There are times when I fall asleep, I- I get nightmares. Often, it’s the same scene replaying over and over again.”

A shudder erupts over my skin at the mere thought.

“My foster father would come get me from my room or from wherever I stood, and he…he’d drag me back to his room.” I exhale a shaky breath.

It’s harder than I thought it would be. I stay silent for a second longer than intended and Aoi’s hand grasps mine, caressing the back of it with his thumb.

It’s reassuring to know that I’m safe with him. Safe enough to tell him everything .

“It started the moment that family took me in. I- I didn’t even have the time to get my hopes up. He would find me and beat me. The beatings were better than what he used to do at other times. No matter the mood he was in, he would come find me and…” I swallow hard.

Aoi’s eyes submerge with tears threatening to spill but he fights them back and watches me attentively. “It’s okay. Don’t mind me. You can tell me as much as you feel comfortable telling me.”

His voice trembles and a few pearls roll down his cheeks. He’s crying because of me.

No. Not because of me.

For me .

He smiles through his moist eyelashes and gently squeezes my hand, nudging me to continue. Nodding to myself in order to build up courage, I swallow the lump in my throat.

“He would…forcefully rip off my clothes and hold me down. He would…he would force himself on me. I tried to push him off. I really did!” I search his eyes, begging him to believe me. “But it was useless. He’s bigger and stronger than me. Fighting was impossible .”

A sniffle escapes him, and he bites his lower lip, holding back a sob.

“After the third time I think, I stopped trying to run away. I- I didn’t want him on me, in me. I hated it, and I’ll always hate it. I simply realized how pointless it was to exhaust myself fighting him.” I raise my voice, disdain surging after months of hiding. “Letting him rape me sped up the process. Less time of agony.”

I shudder at the repugnant memory plaguing my mind and my existence. Aoi’s hands tremble in mine and his tears drop in waves.

Peering down at our intertwined fingers, he painfully asks, “Does it bother you when I touch you?”

He looks so sorry. As if he wants to go hide somewhere because he’s afraid, he’d make me uncomfortable with his touch.

I shake my head. “No. Your touch is kind. It’s safe. You don’t want to hurt me. At least I want to believe you won’t.”

Those ocean eyes are bloodshot from the burning ache streaming down his face. A grown man is crying because of my pain. No one has ever shown me this kind of compassion. They all shunned me and abused me. They all ignored me in the best of cases, but no one sat down to listen to my story.

No one until Aoi.

“You’re the only exception.”

He nods in understanding and holds my hand with both of his. He’s so gentle with the way he strokes it, that his touch makes me want to bawl.

He’s the first to hold me without hurting me. Yet he’ll never know how grateful I am for meeting him. Aoi saved me from the pits of hell. In my eyes, he could never be a mere angel anymore, he’s a god.