Page 26 of Slashed By You (Chicago Steel #5)
Chapter 26
Kenzie
S tanding in this gorgeous room, it’s the first taste of happiness I felt regarding Josh in weeks. Since he stomped all over my heart, I’ve had to come to terms with raising our baby on my own. However, he’s promising everything I want. I’m still hurt over what happened and not ready to jump back into things with him, yet. Sure, I think this nursery is an amazing gesture, but I’m not making any promises. I owe that much to myself. Turning around slowly, I see him hunkered over, and my heart beats wildly in my chest.
“Are you okay?” I ask, concerned.
He looks up, sweat doting his brow. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just trying to remember that I pushed you away and I can’t force you to come back. This isn’t about me, it’s about you and our child.”
He’s right. “Yeah, but I get how all this is overwhelming. A lot has changed in a short amount of time, and sometimes it’s a struggle to get your mind around it all.”
Josh stands up and runs his hands through his hair. He is so handsome, and I’ve missed him so much. It would be so easy to walk over to him and straight into his arms. I know by the way he’s staring at me, he wants that and so much more. But despite my libido cheering for that option, my mind and heart remind me I’m not ready for that.
“Kenz.” His voice, full of gravel, sends chills down my body. “I know it isn’t fair of me to ask, but I have to. What do you want?”
My eyes dart around the room. “If I’m honest, I don’t know. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew it wasn’t the perfect timing. Hell, we hadn’t talked about long-term commitment, marriage, or children. But I never could have imagined your reaction to my announcement. It crushed me. You crushed me. And I don’t need to relive that ever again. I need to move on. But I’m not sure what that looks like.” Looking up, I see hisshoulders areslumped in defeat. My heart flinches. I don’t want to hurt him. I take a moment to breathe before I further explain.
“Yes, I want you to be part of our son’s life, and that will also keep you involved in mine. However, I haven’t decided how involved I want you to be. I still love you, but I’m hurt, and I want to make sure I don’t get hurt again.”
“Son?” he rasps. I nod. Stepping over to the closet, he pushes the semi-closed section and reaches for something. Tucking it behind his back, he turns to me. “Close your eyes.” I look at him, unsure. “Please Kenz, for me?” he begs. I do.
A few seconds later, I hear him say, “Open them.” He’s standing holding an infant-sized Chicago Steel onesie. Cue the waterworks. Stupid pregnancy hormones. Quickly, he turns it around, and across the back is Logan, his last name. I can’t hold back a happy sigh. This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
“It’s so cute!” He lets out a chuckle, and I feel some more of the tension between us drift away.
A knocking at the doorway startles us, breaking the moment. “I’m sorry I interrupted, but the suspense was killing me. I had to come see what was up here. This is incredible. Did you do this, or did you hire a decorator?” Toby asks from the doorway.
Josh puffs out his chest and challenges. “What do you think?”
“Decorator?” Toby laughs. And Josh shakes his head.
“Nope. The guys and I did it all this weekend.”
Toby’s mouth drops open. “No! Please tell me at least some of their wives helped you pick out the linens and accessories.”
Putting his hands on his hips, he matter-of-factly says, “Not a single one. I picked out everything.”
Toby walks farther into the nursery and laughs. “If hockey doesn’t work out for you, maybe you have another career option.” I laugh too. For sure, Josh would be in demand because he’d be the sexiest decorator out there.
Toby leans his hip on the crib and says, “So, it looks like you two are doing this.”
I go to reply, and Josh jumps in before I can. “Yes, we’re having a baby together, but nothing else has been decided.” I smile at him, bridging another fissure between us. For the next hour, Toby and I ooh and ahh over all the adorable baby items Josh found for the nursery. As I’m holding the tiny clothes and the soft stuffed animals, it’s hard not to imagine myself spending lots of time in here with my growing belly as we prepare to bring our son home. I refuse to let myself get too carried away. I don’t know what the future holds. Just like Josh, I hope we’ll be together raising our son, but I’m not planning to rush into anything. I need a guarantee that he won’t hurt me again. Because this time, I have to consider someone else’s feelings too.
My stomach growls, reminding me I’m now eating for two. “Do you want to stay and have lunch? We can order in and have it on the patio,” Josh asks excitedly.
Toby and I look at each other, having a silent conversation with our eyes. While still looking at me, he answers, “Actually, I have to get going. Kenz can stay if you can give her a ride home after.”
I put my hand on my hips, demanding, “Where are you going?”
He smirks at me, knowing I still have feelings for Josh. He’s trying to be my fairy godmother. It’s annoying. “I have a date to get ready for. You should totally stay. Have lunch with Josh. I mean, you have to work out all those co-parenting things. And I bet he’d love to hear about how your pregnancy has gone so far. Show him your ultrasound pictures. I know you have those saved in your cloud.”
“Thanks, Toby,” I mutter.
“You don’t have to stay, Kenzie. But he’s right. I’d love to hear how everything’s going so far and to see pictures. I can take you home whenever you want to go,” Josh interjects.
Catching his eyes, I see they’re filled with hope. “Okay, I’ll stay for lunch. Thank you.”
We walk Toby to the door, and before he leaves, he turns to Josh. “She can’t have raw fish, soft cheese, lunch meat, alcohol, herbal tea, or too much caffeine.” I laugh while pushing him out the door.
“We’ll be just fine, Toby. Let’s not overwhelm him yet, okay?” After Toby drives away, I turn back and look at Josh. He’s frozen. Waving my hand in front of him, I wonder, Did Toby’s list break him? “Josh.” Registering my voice, he blinks rapidly. “Are you okay?”
He laughs as he spears his hand through his hair. “Yeah. I just realized there is so much I don’t know about pregnancy or being a parent.”
I smile at him, offering an olive branch. “We can learn together.”
He knocks my shoulder with his. “I’d like that.” We share a smile that makes me crave so much more, but my stomach growls again, ending the moment. Josh claps his hands together. “But first… let’s get you fed. Does Mateo’s sound good?”
“Always,” I practically moan.
After he places the order, we stare at each other awkwardly. Shifting from side to side, I wonder what to say. This is new. Everything between us has always been so easy, but this… this isn’t.
“It’s a nice day. Do you want to go sit out on the deck until the food gets here?” he offers, seeming just as uncomfortable as I am.
“Sure,” I answer, hoping a change of scenery is just what we need to break the tension strung between us. Settling into a lounge chair, I close my eyes and let the warm sun dance across my face. This is nice. Rolling my shoulders, I let myself relax. When I started the day, this impromptu visit with Josh hadn’t been on the agenda, and as we neared his house, I felt my body tense up. Now I’m dealing with tight shoulders that will most likely result in a headache if I don’t do something about them. I focus on my breaths and visualize the muscles loosening slowly.
“Uh, Kenzie, are you okay?” Josh questions. I open my eyes and see he’s turned sideways on the chair next to me and leaning toward me, concern etched on his face.
Waving him off, I answer, “I’m fine, just a little tense. I was trying to relax some and ward off the headache I fear is imminent.”
His light blue eyes have darkened. “Can I do anything? Maybe give you a shoulder massage? Would that help?”
Pausing a moment, I consider his offer. What will it mean? Am I ready to feel his touch again? Picturing his large hands, my heart thumps harder in my chest. Considering it for a moment, my mind wanders and my entire body grows warm. I still want him. I miss his touch. Concerns plague me. I’m hesitating to say yes.
Worry flashes in his eyes and he softly says, “I just want to help.”