Page 21 of Slashed By You (Chicago Steel #5)
Chapter 21
Josh
I t’s been one week since Kenzie told me she was pregnant with “my baby.” But it isn’t my baby. The pain of her deception is so intense. I can’t seem to accept her words. Why would she insist it’s mine?
For a moment, I allow myself to think about Kenzie and me having a baby, and I’ve never been happier. But then I remember it wasn’t possible. I never had sex without a condom, and my anger crashes in and destroys that happy fantasy. As the good feelings are replaced with tension and anger, I think about her insistence. Were condoms one hundred percent? No. I’d learned that lesson with Kayla, even though everything had been a lie. The message stuck. My thoughts and emotions swirl chaotically in my mind. This feels like history is repeating itself. Is that possible? There’s no way that could happen to a guy twice. I would have to have the worst luck.
Shaking off my doubt, I know for a fact I always used a condom. I’d never deny it. If I was going to start a family, it would have been with Kenzie. But we aren’t ready for that. We just declared our love for each other. The emotion of that night floods my mind. It had been so intense. I’d never said those three words to any woman, and I’d believed no woman who said them to me. Until Kenzie.
Unfortunately, I was dumb enough to believe that she differed from Kayla, but I was wrong. Like always, I had to learn the hard way that she was even worse because she made me fall in love with her. And getting over her seems impossible. I thought that yelling at her would make me feel better, and at the moment, it did. But when I slammed her front door, the fire shooting through my veins extinguished and I felt my knees grow weak and my chest tighten. I’d hobbled to my car and climbed in. Not feeling safe to drive, I set my head on my steering wheel and cried. Why did this hurt so badly? Because I loved her. But that’s now in the past. I refuse to let myself feel anything but anger for her now. She lied and deceived me, and there is no way I’m moving past that. Forgiveness isn’t something she deserves.
A nother few weeks pass, and no matter what I do, Kenzie is always on my mind. And I hate that. She was the woman of my dreams and now she is the one of my nightmares. On the night of the gala, I’m true to my word and don’t attend. Instead, I sit at home and disregard my strict diet by eating junk food. Really, it’s depressing.
A loud pounding on my front door stirs me from sleep. When did I fall asleep? Looking at my watch, I see it’s nine the next morning. Why am I still on my couch? Sitting up, I’m still exhausted. Dealing with a broken heart really takes a lot of energy. I rub my eyes as I try to wake up. Then… I hear chanting. Sitting back, I close my eyes, trying to concentrate on it, hoping to determine what’s being shouted. It sounds a lot like “open up, open up.” Who the fuck is at my door? Before I even pull up my front door camera, someone yells, “Josh, we know you’re in there.” Grumbling, I get up and move to the door. I let my anger free. Gripping the handle tight, I’m ready to yell at anyone who’s willing to interrupt my solitude.
“What the fuck do you want?” I grind out through my clenched jaw as I rip open the door.
“Well, good morning to you too, Captain,” Ace says with his always-present smile.
Rocco smirks. “Did we come at a bad time, Cap? Do you have someone over? Maybe Kenzie? Is that why you both weren’t at the gala last night?” She wasn’t there either? I don’t care.
Growling, I lean forward and pop him in the chest. “Keep her name out of our conversations.”
Ace elbows Rocco and side whispers, “That doesn’t sound good.”
Rocco, who’s unafraid of anything, pushes me. “Why?” His eyes are full of questions.
“We all adore Kenzie and her baked confections. It’s not like you two broke up or something,” he says.
Pulling my hand through my hair, I shift my focus down. “Actually, we did a few weeks ago.”
“What?” the entire group says in tandem.
“Yeah, things were great until I discovered she was worse than Kayla,” I confess. Mika and Lucas stare at me in disbelief.
Ace pouts. “There is no way she is worse than the she-devil herself,” he argues, while the rest of them nod like fucking bobbleheads. I hate those things.
I cross my arms while watching them. It’s because you never told them about what happened with Kayla. “You guys don’t know shit about what happened with Kayla, or Kenzie, so your opinion of the matter is pointless,” I growl.
Mika steps forward. “So why don’t you tell us the facts and then we can decide on our own.” The fucking bobblehead gang is at it again, nodding and showing their approval. They don’t realize they’re asking me to reveal the two most painful things I’ve ever experienced. They’re acting like it’s nothing. But it is something. Something I’m not sure I’ll ever get over. Do I want to open up my still oozing wounds or just tell them to fuck off and hope they leave me alone? I’m leaning toward the latter, telling them to get off my porch when Mika says, “Do you remember when I messed up with Shiloh and you guys all showed up… repeatedly?” I nod. He puts his arms out. “We’re here now.”
Shaking my head, because he doesn’t understand, I growl, “But the difference is, I didn’t mess up. She did, and she can’t undo what she’s done. It’s forever.”
Lucas steps closer. “I don’t know if you’re purposefully being vague, but I heard something at the gala that makes me think maybe you have some misinformation. Why don’t you talk it out with us and maybe this group of assholes will see something you don’t see? Eh?”
“Yeah, what’s the harm? You’re already a moody sonofabitch,” Rocco chimes in.
This conversation has already exhausted me. “Fine,” I grumble as I open my door wider.
As Ace walks through, he asks, “Are these long stories? Will we need snacks delivered?”
Rocco laughs, tapping on his phone. “Already on it. Wings will be here in twenty.”
“You better have ordered the hickory smoked BBQ ones,” I say, my stomach making its own request. He smiles widely. Asshole.
While waiting for the wings, we head into my living room. Guess at least I’ll be comfortable while I’m reliving my worst moments. Why am I doing this? Looking at the group of guys here, I remind myself that these are my best friends and if anyone will have my back, they will. So, after a deep breath, I begin.
“Kayla was a liar. In fact, the entire time I knew her, we only fucked twice.” Ace gasps and Rocco slugs him. Then they both look at me like they’re waiting for what’s next. Pausing for a moment, I finally admit, “I’m aware she was as awful as you all said she was, but because of what we’d gone through, I felt tied to her. To avoid drama, it was just easier to keep her around. At no point did I ever seriously consider marrying her.”
Rocco leans forward and asks, “So then what happened?”
Taking a moment, I relive that night where I learned the truth. “Do you guys remember the series we arrived home from early in November of the year before last?” The group nods. Of course they remember. We never get home early. “When I came home that night, I found Kayla in the hot tub with her best friend, who was visiting. I was just about to say hey when I overheard their conversation.”
“What were they talking about?” Ace asks, intrigued.
“Without rehashing all of it, basically Kayla admitted the pregnancy and miscarriage were fake.” I take a deep breath, glad that story’s over. Looking over at my guys, they’re all shocked.
“That conniving bitch,” Mika growls.
I laugh. “She was. She is . But Kenzie is even worse.”
“No way,” Ace defends. “If, at the end of your story, I agree with you, I’ll buy everyone dinner at Mateo’s.”
“Deal,” I agree with a smirk on my face. They don’t know what she’s done. They only know the person she fooled us all into believing was real.
“I don’t believe it either,” Lucas says. And there go the bobbleheads again. Fuck me.
Leaning back in my chair, I clear my throat. For some reason, I need my words to come out strong. Maybe then they’ll be believable. As the days pass, and the further I am from her confession, the more my anger fades and I see glimpses of what transpired between us that afternoon. And despite all the anger, sadness, and disappointment I still hold on to, I question things . Is she a cheater? Is she really like Kayla? I don’t let myself linger on those questions for too long because it’s too painful. The only person I could talk to about it is the one who’s ripped me to shreds. And that’s not happening. Because of her betrayal, I’ve scrubbed her out of my life completely. Making it the most painful thing I’ve ever done.
“Kenzie is just like Kayla,” I reaffirm. “Actually, I take that back. She’s worse.”
All the guys look at me as if I’m growing two heads. But I push forward.
“Kenzie told me she was pregnant and that it’s mine. Unfortunately for her, I always used a condom, so I know it can’t be mine. She’s trying to trap me like Kayla was.”
“I’m confused. How does that make her worse than Kayla?” Mika asks.
Hanging my head, I admit, “Because I loved her.”
“Maybe you don’t have all the facts, Josh,” Mika says in a shaky voice. I wonder if he’s remembering the scandal he went through with a New York paper suggesting he cheated on Shiloh. It was such a shit show. Before he could even defend himself, she’d already broken things off with him. But he was innocent. Some puck bunny looking for a payout didn’t care who or how she ruined someone else’s life. He moped for months until we forced them together to work out their shit.
“This isn’t like you and Shiloh, man,” I say.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lucas sit forward. “Josh, I heard something at the gala that I probably wasn’t supposed to, but it might change things. It was about the condom.”
I don’t know what he’s going to tell me. “I used protection every fucking time. How could she be pregnant?” I used a condom every time, didn’t I? Maybe there’s a sliver of hope inside me that’s making me question everything now.
“They aren’t one-hundred percent, dude. Didn’t you learn that in eighth grade health class?” Ace laughs to himself. “Plus, Kenzie isn’t like that.” I glare at him, pissed at the truth of both his statements.
“And,” Lucas adds, “I heard you didn’t use a condom once.” What?
Gritting my teeth together, I try to keep my cool. “Is that right? I’d like to know who holds that handy piece of information,” I challenge.
Lucas holds up his hands. “Don’t shoot the messenger. I overheard Stephanie and Toby talking at the gala. They were whispering about how Kenzie had remembered you didn’t use a condom the night you two confessed your love for each other.” Then the room goes silent. Familiarity buzzes through my veins. Did she say something about that? Then, as if a gong is struck next to me, her words resonate in perfect clarity. Instant regret fills me. My gut sinks and my mouth runs dry. My clammy hands shake as the realization of what I’ve done registers. Fuck! I’d been so caught up in that night that I’d forgotten a condom. But that’s never happened before. It’s because she told you she loved you.
Panicked, I lower my head between my knees. I tug my hands through my hair, disregarding the sting. What have I done? I ruined everything. A chance to be happy with the woman I love. All because of my past bullshit with Kayla. Kenzie will never forgive me, not that I deserve it. My mind flashes to the memory of those moments. Hunkered on the ground next to the toilet, she’d just been sick in. She’d looked exhausted and pale. Weak and fragile. And at the mention of the word pregnancy, I lost all control. Hurling the ugliest of words and accusations at her. I’d sabotaged us from becoming anything more than a chaotic wreck. What am I going to do now? Can I fix this?
Remembering my guys are over, I lift my head and look around my living room. Eyes filled with concern stare back at me, making my skin itch. I may be the captain, but I hate to have all eyes on me. Opening my mouth like a fish, I go to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. I’m terrified to admit that I was wrong. But that’s my baby. Kenzie is honest to a fault, and I threw that in her face. How could I ever doubt her? Unable to stand all the attention, I cover my face with my hands and groan loudly. “What am I going to do?”
My stomach twists with guilt, and dread washes over me. She’ll never forgive me. I majorly fucked up with the woman I love more than anything. And she’s carrying our child. How will I ever make this right? Desperate to be part of what she’s going through, I fly out of my chair.
“Whoa, Josh, where are you going?” Lucas calls out as he follows me. I race into my kitchen, looking around for something, but I don’t know what.
“Dude, what are you doing?” Lucas asks, concern edging his voice.
I stop, stare at him, and answer, “I fucked up. She’s right. I didn’t use a condom.” The truth finally sinks in. Shocked, I whisper, “That’s our baby, and I was a complete asshole to her. She’s never going to forgive me.”
Mika joins us, along with the rest of the bobbleheads. “I’m sure you weren’t that bad.”
Letting a pained laugh out of my aching chest, I admit, “It was worse than you can imagine. I accused her of being a cheater and a liar, and then I told her she was worse than Kayla.”
Ace and Rocco both mutter, “Oh shit.”
I scowl. “As if that wasn’t bad enough, I told her I never wanted to see her again.” Hanging my head, I drop to my haunches. What am I going to do? Reaching into my pocket, I palm my phone. I can call her and apologize, beg her forgiveness. That’ll work, right? It has to work. I can’t lose her. I can’t lose them .
“What are you doing, Josh? You look a little crazed,” Mika asks as he drops to my level.
Staring at my phone, I answer, “I think I’m going to call her.”
Lucas huffs. “That’s a bad idea. I doubt she wants to talk to you if you truly did what you said.”
“But I need to see if she’s okay. What if I go into the shop? Then she’ll have to see me.”
Rocco laughs. “Dude, you sound like a creepy stalker. That’ll just piss her off.” I don’t want to do that.
I snap my fingers. “I got it. I’ll send her flowers.”
Ace scoffs under his breath as he casually leans against the counter. In his slight southern drawl, he says, “I’m no expert, but I don’t think flowers are going to help you.”
“You guys are no help,” I grumble as I lower to my butt. For what feels like the hundredth time this morning, I ask myself the same question. What am I going to do?