Page 25 of Slashed By You (Chicago Steel #5)
Chapter 25
Josh
T he guys and I finished everything late last night. Toby told me he’ll get Kenzie and have her to my house around ten o’clock this morning. So for the past few hours, I’ve paced, done laundry, and rearranged almost every room of my house. At a quarter to ten, the anticipation is pumping through my veins. It’s a combination of excitement and anxiety. Unable to stand still, I stalk to my front door and pull it open to sit vigil on the porch stairs until Toby and Kenzie arrive.
A few minutes later, I see an unknown car approaching, and I pray it’s them. Turning slowly into my driveway, I see Toby wearing a grimace. Oh shit. I stand up and debate whether to approach the car or let them come to me on their own terms. Toby exits his vehicle and strolls over to the passenger door. Pulling it open, his voice drops to a whisper and I think I make out, “I’ll stay with you the entire time.” He steps back and Kenzie exits the car, sucking all the air from my lungs. I haven’t seen her face-to-face in so long. My eyes roam all over her, noting all the changes to her body. Had I forgotten how fucking beautiful she was? Temporarily stunned, my gaze remains fixed on her and I catch a blush spread across her cheeks. She is undeniably the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. They say pregnant woman glow, and she certainly does. I want to fall at her feet and not only beg her forgiveness, but worship the ground she walks on. Toby grabs her hand, leading her toward me. She’s yet to make eye contact, and I find myself disappointed. Look at me, Kenz, please. Despite my silent pleas, her eyes remain fixed on the concrete walkway.
Toby gives a little wave with his free hand. “Hey, Josh.”
My heart hurts. I made the mistake, and it’s time I fix it. Or try. “Hi, Toby. Hi, Kenzie. Thanks for coming.”
“I didn’t have a choice,” Kenz mumbles.
Toby squeezes her hand and whispers, “We talked about this. We can leave anytime you want.”
My heart continues to tumble. She doesn’t want to be here, be near me. I’m itching to even share the same space as her, and she hates me. How the hell am I going to convince her to forgive me? Before I let that thought drive me deeper into despair, Toby breaks the silence. “You both need a chance to talk this out. Otherwise, you’ll never be able to move on.” Move on. Is that what she wants? I don’t want to move on from her. I want her back. Kenzie finally lifts her gaze to me, and all I see is sadness. My heart stutters. I did that to her.
Keeping my eyes focused on her, I whisper, “Thanks for coming. Do you want to come inside?” Her eyes go wide and she looks to Toby. “I have something I want to show you. Please?” I beg.
Time passes slowly as she considers my request. Seconds feel like hours. “Okay.” Pulling on Toby’s hand, she informs him, “You’re coming too.” Threes a crowd. I want to apologize to her. I didn’t expect she’d need support. But beggars can’t be choosers.
After they follow me inside, I stop before I take them upstairs. I need to say something. Turning quickly, I have half a second before they bump into me. “Oof,” Toby says. Since he hasn’t been in my house before, he’s distractedly staring at everything with his mouth open wide. Kenzie has returned to staring at the floor. It’s like the blind leading the blind.
Running my hand through my hair, I breathe out slowly before I begin to talk. “I have a surprise to show you, Kenzie, but first I need to say something.” She peeks up at me through her thick eyelashes. “I am so sorry about what happened. I fucked up. I was a complete asshole to you, and I wish I could undo that, but I can’t. After I stopped insisting I was right, I realized it was you who had it right. I hadn’t used a condom. There’s no denying it. You’re pregnant with my baby.” I feel tears forming and I close my eyes, pushing them away.
“I understand if you hate me. I reacted poorly, and instead of being mature about it, I withdrew into the residual pain from what Kayla did and accused you of being worse than her. I am so sorry. I know you’re nothing like her, which is why I fell in love with you. You are a breath of fresh air. The sunshine on a cloudy day. The good in everything, and the woman I still love. I understand you may not forgive me, but from the moment I realized this child was mine, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be a father. Please let me be that?”
Through everything I’ve said, my eyes have remained locked on hers. I’ve noticed her lower lip wobble and her button nose scrunch, so I know her tears are close. “Can I show you something?” I ask.
She doesn’t say anything but nods and follows me up the stairs. She makes a sound, and I turn back. Toby’s dropped her hand and is encouraging her to go alone. “You’ll be fine, Kenz. You need to do this with Josh.” His eyes connect with mine, and I mouth “ thank you . ” He gives me a head nod. Kenzie watches our interaction.
“Okay,” she whispers.
Leading her down the hallway, I stop in front of a closed door. “Go ahead, open it.” She does, and once she’s inside, she stops and gasps. Following her in, I stand back and watch her. She twists back and forth, and for the first time, I see her small baby bump clearly. My heart warms. I want to pull her in and hold them both. My babies.
“Josh, this is amazing,” she gushes as she turns toward me, her eyes bright. The room is the perfect shade of gray. It’ll work for a boy or girl. The crib I selected is white, matching the changing table, dresser, bookshelf, and doors. The wall behind the crib is darker gray, and it’s accented with stars. Samantha and Shiloh told me I needed to get Kenzie the Cadillac of rocking chairs, and I did. I didn’t want to decorate the entire room without Kenzie’s input, so I stopped after I bought the softest elephant-covered sheet for the crib. There was a matching rug I bought too. I haven’t put it out because I didn’t want to overwhelm her.
She’s right, this is amazing. It’s perfect, really. We may not be perfect, but having her in this space is all I dreamed about while I was envisioning this surprise. “I’m so glad you like it.”
“I love the gray,” she says as she walks closer to the furniture.
Joining her at the crib, I admit, “I didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl, so I went neutral.”
She laughs. “That was smart.” The smile on her face melts away some of the chill I’ve sensed between us since she arrived.
Nervously, I step closer. “So can I ask?”
“Huh?” she answers while turning the elephant mobile with her fingers.
“Do you know if we’re having a boy or girl? I’ve read some books this last week, and if I understand everything, you’re far enough along to tell, right?” I guess I’m the typical guy. I want a son so I can teach him how to play the world’s best sport: hockey. My palms sweat as I wait for her response. Maybe it’s a girl? I don’t really know much about girls, but I’m willing to learn. No matter what, I plan to be there for my child. Holy shit. My nerves are frazzled.
Turning to me, she answers, ”I’m far enough along, yes.” And then she pauses and smirks. I’m not above begging, so I do.
“Please tell me if you know.” She smiles and I mirror it. My anticipation is hammering through my veins, demanding an answer. Instead of replying, she prolongs my suffering and walks over to the glider. She settles into and pats her belly.
“This is really comfortable.” She sighs.
Smirking, I say, “I’m glad you like it. The reviews said it’s perfect for nursing and rocking.”
Kenzie kicks her feet up on the footstool. “I can see that. And this little table is so cute.”
Walking over to her, I explain, “That’s for your water. The books said that nursing moms need to drink a lot of water.”
“You’re just assuming I plan on nursing? Or that I’ll be living here?” she questions. The air in the room shifts. Her tone isn’t angry, but it isn’t sweet either. I don’t know if I’ve made her upset or if she’s just having a conversation with me.
Holding my hands up, I confess, “At this point, I’m assuming a lot. I know so much can change between today and tomorrow. I’m just filled with hope and waiting to see what shakes out.”
She rises from the chair and moves to the half-opened closet where a few generic baby clothes hang. “What are your hopes, Josh?” With her still turned away, I feel less vulnerable and freer to share what I’m feeling. Pulling a onesie that says “Milk Drunk” on it down, I lay all my cards on the table.
“My biggest hope is that you’ll come back to me and we’ll raise our child here together.” I see her fingers falter as she hangs the item back up. “But if that’s not in the cards, I want to share custody of our baby and co-parent.” Just saying those words is like ripping my tattered heart out of my chest. It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room, and I bend over and rest my hands on my knees, forcing myself to breathe.