Page 23 of Slashed By You (Chicago Steel #5)

Chapter 23

Josh

W ithout the routine of hockey season, I find myself with a lot of extra time on my hands. And I don’t like it. Too much time allows my mind to ruminate on how badly I fucked things up with Kenzie. You’d think with all that time to ponder, I’d come up with a solution to fix what I’d done, but you’d be wrong. I can’t come up with dick. The guys have even helped by listening to many of my ideas, and so far, according to them, they’re all pathetic. This is hopeless.

I want to be there for her and the baby, but I don’t know how. She won’t let me. I’ve tried everything shy of a carrier pigeon. And I’ve gotten no response. I’m going crazy, and I have to do something.

I start out small. For an entire week, I send flowers to the shop every day. But that doesn’t seem like enough, so I place several large orders of cookies and cupcakes with CakeStop to be delivered to various hospitals and senior centers around town. Reading my pregnancy book, I learned about expectant mothers and their fatigue, so I send Kenzie gift cards for pregnancy massages and pedicures. When I was brainstorming with the guys, I didn’t tell them I’ve also been by the bakery at closing several times, hoping to get a glance of her.

Last week, the gods showed me favor and gifted me a Kenzie sighting. Hidden in my Tesla, a few blocks down, I sat slumped in my seat, waiting for her to walk by. And she did just that. Dragging a collapsible bag on wheels, she must have been heading to the shelter. At five months along, she’s fucking adorable. Dressed in tight black leggings that screamed comfort, and a magenta tank top that accentuated her baby bump, she was breathtaking. That’s my baby with my baby . As she passed, I forced myself to remain in the car and out of sight. As soon as I saw her, my heart twisted. It ached, demanding I go make things right. I wish I could. Life without her is no life at all. Everything is gray and muted. I need her sunshine back in my life.

A few weeks ago, at the annual Steel Fourth of July party, Monica and Christian invited us all to the Fields’ family farm for this weekend. I didn’t really listen because I wasn’t feeling up for some country event. Ace and Rocco insisted we all ride together. Since they’d both accused me of being a moody asshole lately, I go. Only I wasn’t prepared for what was going to happen.

Rocco drives us to the working dairy farm that had been in Monica’s family for decades. Her dad runs it now with the help of her three older brothers. I’d met Josiah, the youngest of the brothers, several times, as he visits his sister frequently. He’s a standup guy, from what I could tell.

We all planned to stay in town at the local Super 8, so we meet there before the large group of us descend on the farm like a horde of locusts to a field. Within hours of arriving, we’re given a tour, introduced to the calves, and then seated in a nice outdoor venue. What is happening?

When I see Samantha and Shiloh lower their heads together and start whispering and pointing, I know something’s up. I look around, clueless. Then one of Monica’s sisters-in-law hands me a piece of paper. Holy shit. They’re finally doing it. Thirty minutes later, we’re all seated in an elaborately decorated barn, waiting to congratulate the bride and groom. These two have been circling each other for years and avoiding the intense chemistry they share.

When it’s time for their vows, I never expected words promised to another person to register so deep within me. My mind fills with chaos as I sit there alone in a wooden chair, surrounded by my best friends and the women they worship. I miss Kenzie even more. My heart aches knowing I forced our separation with the ugly accusations and words I hurled at her. I treated the woman I professed to love no better than the dirt I walked on. I ruined what we had because I reacted out of fear, anger, and past hurt. Even though my past had colored my response to what she said, it was still incredibly inappropriate and harsh. If I’d stopped myself and thought about the situation, I would have concluded a few things: Kenzie wasn’t a liar, and she was nothing like Kayla. By saying she was worse, I know my words shredded her. I feel horribly sick whenever I think about it. And even now, I don’t see a way to make things better. I want to, desperately, but nothing feels right. Just like Lucas had, I need some grand gesture to not only apologize but to promise I’ll do better.

Lying in bed that night after we celebrated with our friends, an idea strikes me. I need to not only apologize to Kenzie and promise to do better; I need to show her how excited I am to be a father and how I want to travel this road with her. Considering all that happened, I understand that maybe that door is already shut and Kenzie won’t let me back into her life, but I know she won’t keep me from my child when she sees how excited I am about being a dad.

When I get back into town the next day, I put my plan into action. On the ride back to the city, I shared it with Ace and Rocco, and they were fully on board to help me. Rocco had even chimed in with, “I’ll do anything to make you stop being a broody asshole.” Ace just laughed, and that was that.

Sunday night I sit on my couch, ordering the items necessary for my surprise. I hope it’ll be enough to convince Kenzie to let me at least be part of my baby’s life. I also hope it will give me a chance to be in hers as well. Thanks to my large NHL salary, I can order and ship things quickly, and by the next weekend everything I need for project bring my babies home is piled high in my garage. The guys are coming over first thing Saturday morning to help paint, assemble, and organize. Everything is ready, but I’m a nervous wreck. There’s just one more thing I need to take care of before I make my move.

“ T oby. You got a minute?” I holler out as Kenzie’s second in command and best friend exits CakeStop.

His eyes go wide. He scowls and spits, “Not for you, I don’t.”

Holding up my hands, I counter, “That’s fair. I get it. I’m the enemy. But…” Pausing, I study his face, hoping for a little compassion. A flicker of interest appears and then vanishes in a heartbeat. “I’m here to make things right,” I confess.

“Make things right?” he snarls, causing me to step back. “So, you think you can come in and flash your sexy smile and Kenzie will melt at your feet? You don’t get it!” Just when I think he’s done, he steps up to me, posturing. To anyone watching, this might seem funny because of our size difference. I’m 6’3” and he is 5’10”. He’s probably barely 140 pounds, where I’m solid at 220. But I can’t afford to underestimate the wrath and anger in his eyes. He pokes my chest as he begins his tirade. “You destroyed her. You broke her heart. You told her you didn’t want her. You told her it wasn’t your baby. You called her a liar. You said she was worse than Kayla. And I’ve met that bitch. They are nothing alike.” Each accusation he hurls is true. I won’t deny them. It stings having someone so close to Kenzie calling me out on my shit. But I refuse to deflect it. I was the asshole. I did those things. Knowing I broke her heart and hurt her so much is agonizing. But I need to own it and fix what I’ve done.

Stepping back, out of the direct line of fire, I say, “Toby, I’m not arguing at all. I did those things, and I don’t expect Kenzie to come crawling back to me. I know I don’t deserve her.”

“You’re right about that,” he grumbles with his arms crossed over his chest.

I scratch at my head and confess, “I know I don’t deserve her, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting her. I was wrong. I know it now, and I want the chance to apologize. I’m begging you to help me do that. She deserves that and so much more. I want to be part of her and my baby’s life. I love her, man. I know I fucked up and don’t deserve a second chance, but I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.”

Still scowling, he replies, “She’s my best friend. I’m only listening because I saw how happy you made her. Unfortunately, I’ve also seen how unhappy you make her. Deep down, I know you’re good for each other, and I want to see her and the baby happy and cared for. If you get a second chance, you better treat her like a queen. Kenzie is the best person I know, and she deserves nothing but goodness. Can you do that?”

He’s right. Kenzie deserves someone much better than me. But no one can love her as well as I can. Sure, I stumbled a bit, but I’m not perfect. Hopefully, she’ll forgive me in due time and we can get back what we had. The emotion of everything hits me. I nod my head and gasp, “Yes.”

He smiles. “Good. What do you need?”

Now that Toby’s temper is defused, I explain what I’ve been up to and what I have planned for the weekend. “That sounds incredible, Josh. I know Kenzie will love it. But how do you plan to get her there? She won’t answer your calls and don’t even think about coming into the shop and making a scene.”

I laugh. “I would never.” Toby just side-eyes me like he’s not sure. Laughing again, I explain, “That’s where you come in.” As Sunday is her only day off, I need Toby to get her over to my house without raising suspicion. And then I’ll take it from there. Piece of cake. Right?