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CHAPTER 8

GRADY

W hen the morning of our next event rolled around, I hadn’t needed any help from Jill to wake up. Wired but not from anxiety or panic or nightmares for once—I’d laid staring at my bedroom ceiling as the sun came up, reliving the feel of her hand on my arm, her fingers laced between mine while she told me that story. Rubbing at the spot on my palm that still felt the ghost of her touch, I pictured her sweet, kind smile right up until my alarm went off.

There weren’t a lot of people in my life that would understand what was going on with me, but Jill seemed to get it. And even though I didn’t like that she was so familiar with this kind of shit, something about that gave me room to breathe, the space to just exist outside the deafening voices in my head that said I was going to be fucked up for the rest of my life.

My worry that someone had seen us, or that she’d tell the wrong person about finding me like that, had faded fast. Jill wasn’t a gossip, and she sure as hell didn’t want the attention she’d get for being the one to find the local hero in the grip of a meltdown. No, she’d keep my secret, and that was all I needed.

Well, that and one other little thing.

“I can’t believe you’re making me do this,” Jill huffed as I pulled open the door to the sporting goods store in Portland a few days later.

“Technically I’m not the one making you do anything. This comes from over my head.”

She shot me a dry look. “But you’re enjoying it.”

I tried to hide my amusement as I strode down the center aisle, but she caught me with her glare. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset about wearing my jersey, but I will admit I find your aversion comical.”

When we’d gotten the email after the last event—which went off without a hitch, I might add—Jill’s face had turned red and she’d gone quiet. We’d been scheduled for a photo shoot and the wardrobe instructions had been very clear; she had to be the one in Brawlers gear this time. I’d offered her one of my old jerseys but she’d stuck her nose up, as if the thing would still hold the stench of the last game I played in it.

“It’s ridiculous that I should have to play the part of cheerleader. I’m here for the books, not the sports.”

“You’re not wearing an actual cheerleading outfit. We don’t even have those in hockey. You know that, right?”

Her glare went glacial and I laughed harder.

“You have mascots though. I don’t want to wear that get-up either.”

“Gilly? You’d actually be perfect for our grumpy gull, especially with that attitude.”

“I just don’t get why I need to suddenly join the team, ” she sighed, holding her fingers up in air-quotes as her expression soured. “I was supposed to be representing the library in all this.”

“It’s a solidarity thing, that’s all. It helps tie your library and the Brawlers visually. It’s a good idea. And it’s a pretty easy ask, considering you’ve been able to hide in the background up until now.”

I spotted the rack of Boston Brawlers jerseys and was about to start flicking through them when I heard hushed whispers and muffled shrieks coming from behind me.

“Oh my god, it is him,” one woman was saying, tugging on her friend’s T-shirt so hard the thing was nearly half off her shoulder. Her friends were equally as wide-eyed, their mouths quirking into enticing grins when I turned their way.

“Holy shit, Grady Holloway, get out of here!”

I laughed, putting on my trademark smile. “I can’t, not until I get what I came for.” I winked at the blonde one, noticing the white sash across her chest. In bright gold letters I read the words “Bride to be.” For a second I considered it odd to be in a sporting goods store for a bachelorette party, but I didn’t get a chance to ask about it.

“Oh my god, my fiancé is going to flip, ” the bride squealed, darting toward me so fast I flinched. Her friends flanked me on either side and a phone was shoved in front of my face before I could say a word.

“Get in closer,” one of them said, their bodies jostling against me, poking into my sides as I fought to keep my balance.

I’d been swarmed by enough women to know the best tactic was to stay quiet, smile, and ride it out. But after the thirtieth snap of their camera, my patience faltered.

Where was Jill?

I craned my neck around the mass of hair in my face, but she’d disappeared. I slipped free from the trio and took a few steps toward the front of the store to see if she’d ducked outside.

“Wait, please, just one more. We’re on a scavenger hunt, but playing with you would be so much more fun.” The bride’s friends were tall, and pretty enough, and any other day I might have returned the look they were giving me. It had been a while since I’d had a fling. But Jill’s absence dug into me like tiny hooks, and I spun around again to look for her.

“Sorry,” I called, walking away faster. “Maybe another time.”

“But we’re only here for one night,” they whined as I crossed the threshold of the store. Popping out on the crowded sidewalk, I scanned in both directions but there was no sign of Jill. She had to still be inside.

Clinging to the wall so the bachelorette girls wouldn’t see me, I snuck around to the hiking boots along the back. I was about to give up and call Jill’s cell when I spotted her wavy brown hair. She was facing away from me, leaning against a display of socks as she flicked absentmindedly through a climbing magazine.

“Thinking of giving free-solos a try?” I asked over her shoulder, keeping my voice low so only she could hear.

She tensed, but didn’t bother looking back at me. “I don’t really like heights, but the solitude holds plenty of appeal.”

I didn’t like the tone of her voice. She sounded defeated or disappointed or something else that made my stomach twist. Was she upset about the fans?

“Sorry about that.”

Slipping the magazine back onto the rack, she shrugged. “Perk of the job?”

We walked back to the jerseys, both of us scanning for the other women, who thankfully seemed to have left. I started digging through them for one with my name on the back in her size.

“I’m not sure I’d call it a perk,” I replied warily. For the first time I wondered what Jill’s opinion of me was. Joey had made it clear he saw me as a dirty dog, and at one point he wouldn’t have been wrong. Tugging a hanger off the rack, I turned to hand it to her. “Playing nice with fans is kind of a requirement for the gig.”

“Yeah, you looked like you hated it,” she sighed sarcastically.

I was about to argue with her when she snagged a second, blank jersey from the rack and spun hurriedly toward the register like she was hoping I hadn’t noticed.

“You got a problem with wearing my number?” I asked as we headed back to my car.

Jill kept her eyes straight ahead. “The email said I had to wear Brawlers gear, not become another one of your groupies .”

I might not have had many serious relationships, but I knew what jealousy sounded like. She was pissed about the women in the store. I could see it on her face, hear it in the snap of her tone. That had to be it. I was about to press her on it, when the ferry horn blared right behind us and we both flinched.

My eyes darted over to the boat as its engines kicked on, churning up the blue-green water. It backed slowly away from the dock, freshly loaded with cars and tourists. It was headed to Peak’s Island, some of my parents’ mail probably tucked into the tiny cart strapped in the back with the bicycles and delivery pallets.

Seeing it reminded me that I’d been avoiding my mother’s texts and calls. She wanted me to come out and stay with them for a couple of nights, but there was no way I was going to risk having an episode out there with them. And that didn’t even account for the fact I’d have to take the ferry across. I hadn’t been on the water since Florida. There was no way I was ready for that.

But even if I knew I was better off keeping my distance, it didn’t stop the guilt from eating at me. And as the boat pulled further and further away that sinking pit in my stomach only got worse.

“You miss it?” Jill asked, her eyes on me over the roof of my car.

I swallowed, shaking my head to clear the dark thoughts that were growing louder. “Sure. What’s not to miss about an island paradise?”

“Then why haven’t you gone out there? We have plenty of time between events.”

Sliding behind the wheel, I pretended to be busy backing out of the parking spot and getting on the road, buying time to think of a good enough excuse.

“I have training and stuff to do too. It’s just easier to stay focused here.”

Keeping my eyes on the road, I felt Jill’s gaze more than I saw it.

“I don’t know, maybe it would help. Being around people who know you, who you can trust. It might be good for you.”

We hadn’t talked about the thing in the gym parking lot since it happened, but there was no mistaking that’s what she was referring to.

“I’m doing alright. I’ll head out there eventually.”

She looked like she had more to say, but instead she turned, fixing her eyes out the windshield. I relaxed a little more in my seat. I didn’t want to talk about Peak’s or my family or whatever shit was still going on in my screwed-up head. I’d started off the morning in a really good mood. I wanted to get back to it.

“So, how about we stop for a bite on the way back? I could use a burger or something.”

“Are you going to suggest a sports bar, so we can mingle with more of your adoring fans?”

It shouldn’t have pleased me so much that the women from before were still on her mind. But the charge I got from thinking Jill was jealous felt too good to tamp down. I scratched my jaw to hide my smile, realizing the place I had in mind was exactly that. “We can go wherever you want. How about some bookstore café or something more your speed? Not a sports fan in sight.”

“There are no such things around here, and you know it.”

“That’s a shame. I bet a place like that would make a killing.”

“Honestly the numbers aren’t that impressive, but it’d be viable. And with the right marketing, there’d be solid profit in it.”

I whipped in her direction, a surprised smile on my face. “Have you run the numbers on this idea, Jilly?”

Her eyes went wide as her mouth fell open and it was as if she hadn’t meant to say that out loud. “I did some research a while back. It was stupid.”

“Why stupid?”

“Because the kind of capital needed to start up a small business these days is well out of my reach.”

I realized she was serious, and I turned to look at her again, holding her gaze as I asked, “For real, you want to open a bookstore?”

Considering how much she avoided attention I’d just assumed she’d want to play a background role in whatever career she had. Opening her own store would put her very much front and center. But given her love of books, the idea suddenly didn’t seem all that hard to believe. Jill wasn’t a big fan of attention, but maybe for the right reasons, she’d be willing to finally be seen.

“It’s not going to happen, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Hey,” I said, pulling into the parking lot of a local BBQ joint. Not exactly a bookstore café, but also not a sports bar. And the parking lot was empty enough I figured we’d be able to get away without any more fan interactions. “If this is something you want, you should go for it.”

Jill held my gaze, the briefest flicker of hope or excitement in them before she shook her head and it disappeared. “It’s a pipe dream, Grady. We don’t all get our dreams.”

Her words stung hard enough to stop what I was about to say as she pushed her door open and got out. To most I had gotten my dream. Playing in the NHL would have been more than enough for just about anyone else. But my dream was to be captain of my all-time favorite team. And it wasn’t as close to coming true anymore. The fear that I’d never see it actually happen was a sucker punch straight to my chest.

As I got out and followed Jill into the restaurant, I couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d said. No one researches the financial possibilities of a venture like that unless they’re seriously considering it. If she’d come that close before, maybe I could help her get back to believing it was possible again. Sometimes all you need is one person who believes in you. I’d always had my family, maybe now Jill could have me.