Page 13

CHAPTER 12

JILL

H is hands were shaking and his fingers were tangled in my hair so gently, making sure he didn’t pull too hard as he kept my eyes covered. His rough callused fingers were light on my face, but they gave me no chance to peek through at him. It ripped me open, hearing the tremble in his voice when he asked me to leave. As if I’d ever do that.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Grady.”

His breath rushed across my skin in a huff. “The fuck there isn’t.”

“Stop.” I ran my fingers over his skin, through the coarse hair on the back of his arm. “You went through something and you need to heal from it. That doesn’t change who you are.”

“My shoulder needs to heal. The rest of me needs to—” He bit back the rest of his words, and my ribs squeezed tight.

“Why didn’t you tell me to get over it before?”

“What?”

“I practically had a meltdown in there and you never once said I was messed up.”

“You weren’t about to pass out from nothing, Jilly. I’m barely breathing here.”

I stepped closer, taking a hold of his shirt and feeling my way to the collar so I could unbutton the top. I knew that wasn’t what he meant, but I needed to touch him. If he wouldn’t let me see him, I had to offer him some other sort of comfort.

“And the harder you fight it, the worse it gets, right?” I asked, gently stroking down his hard, wide chest, as if I could soothe the racing heart I felt under my fingers with just my touch.

Grady slumped toward me, letting out a defeated sigh, his voice so low I almost missed it when he said, “I just want my life back.”

“I know.” I took his jaw in my hands, the warmth of his skin against mine stirring something deep in my chest. “You’ll get it back. But not by sheer force alone. That’s how you win hockey games, it’s not how you help yourself feel safe again.”

When Grady moved, brushing his fingers across my cheek and raking both hands through my hair, I kept my eyes closed. I wanted to give him what he needed, and if it was a way to hide from me, so be it.

“I feel safe with you,” he whispered, his fingers playing in my hair.

“I’m glad.” I smiled, my eyes still closed, as my heart thumped so hard it rattled my ribs with each beat.

“It’s okay. You can open your eyes.”

I hesitated, pulling my lips inward. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Are yours open?”

“Oh yeah.” There was a rough awe to his voice, and I felt my cheeks pink at the satisfaction I heard.

I fluttered my eyes open, readjusting to the dim light of the windowless hallway. Grady was still holding me, still only inches away, and the flush of concern I’d come into the hallway with morphed instantly into something entirely different. Something I’d told myself I’d be a fool to let myself feel ever again.

“You okay?” I asked, desperate for a distraction from the tension pulsing between us. I refused to make more of this than it was. Even if Grady wasn’t looking at me like a man in a panic anymore, that’s exactly who he was. This wasn’t about me as much as it was him processing what just happened.

“Not really,” he admitted, a sad slant to his smile.

I ran my hand down the front of his shirt, watching the fabric move instead of meeting his gaze. “Is there anything I can do?”

Grady was silent for so long I finally looked up at him. His eyes were dark, heat swirling in them as his jaw muscles clenched and released on a tight exhale. I’d never seen him look at me that way.

With a rough shake of his head, Grady dropped his hold of me and stepped back. “I think you’ve more than fulfilled your half of the bargain today, don’t you?” He swallowed thickly, giving me a quick, resigned grin before turning toward the door. “We should get out of here before the photographer wants to take more pictures.”

He was shutting me out, but I didn’t push. And the reminder that we were still mere feet away from that snap-happy woman and her cameras was enough to get me in motion.

The loaded silence I got on the ride back to Holden Cove was exactly what I’d expected. But the longer it went on, the more it gave me time to think. Grady went home alone every night to his childhood house, filled with memories of how his life used to be. As far as I could tell he had no support system helping get him through this. After Adam had left, I’d slipped so far into the dark not even my family could pull me out. I’d needed a therapist in addition to all of them. And here Grady had no one.

“Hey, do you want to stay for dinner?” He probably wanted to get as far away from me as possible given everything that had happened, but I had to try.

“Seriously?” He glanced over at me, his eyebrows up like I’d just asked if he was an alligator or something.

“Yeah. I’m making a shepherd’s pie. Real meaty, just how you athletes like, right?”

Grady laughed. A real, full, straight from the gut laugh and it filled up his car like music. My whole body relaxed at the sound of it. And it looked like his did, too, as he shifted in his seat and rested his head back.

“That actually sounds great.”

“Yeah?”

His eyes were on the road, but even from the side I could see the easy smile curling his lips. “I figured you’d want nothing to do with me after I tormented you all day.”

“I think the photographer was the real culprit. But if you sing that stupid brown cow song one more time I’m slipping a laxative into your drink.”

Grady shook with laughter again, his shoulders bouncing as he took the turn into my driveway. He stilled as soon as my parents’ house came into view, and I watched as he scanned the parked cars. The porch was empty this time, and he let out a sigh as we passed by unnoticed.

“You better now? No one there to see you sneaking around?”

“I’m not sneaking around.”

“I know, but you sure acted like you’d been caught doing something wrong the last time you dropped me off.”

When he put the car in park in front of my cottage, he sat motionless, so I waited too.

“I just don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”

Ah. Now it made sense. “You mean Joey.” My brother had been overprotective my whole life. I should have guessed that Grady was worried about what Joey would read into him being out here.

“You know how he is.”

“I do.” I nodded, more aware of my brother’s antics than anyone. And more annoyed by the second that I’d never succeeded in getting him to quit it. I shoved the door open and went for my front porch, calling over my shoulder, “Well, the invite stands if you’re not afraid of upsetting the almighty Joey Jordan.”

I didn’t turn around when I heard him close his car door or when I swung open my screen door and strode inside. Dropping my bag on the kitchen counter, I went straight into my bedroom to take the damn jersey off. By the time I came out Grady was standing just inside the door with his hands in his pockets as he slowly scanned the room.

When he saw that I’d changed, some of his humor returned. “Couldn’t get it off fast enough, could you?”

“Nope.” I surveyed my space, pleasantly surprised by the lack of dust bunnies thanks to a fit of frustrated cleaning lately. I wasn’t sure my house had ever been more spotless. “Make yourself at home.”

My kitchen was pretty tiny, tucked around the corner so I couldn’t see what Grady was up to while I pulled all the ingredients from the fridge. “Beer or wine?” I called, once I had things under control.

“What are you having?” he asked, his voice so close it startled me. I looked up to find him in the doorway, leaning casually as if he’d been stopping by his whole life. Sometimes I wondered if that was really how he felt—comfortable and welcome—or if he was just putting that on, like the mask I’d seen him wear talking to the marketing team today.

“I’m going for a glass of red.”

“Then, same.”

“You can have a beer, don’t feel like you have to do what I do.”

A shiver of nerves snaked through me, like I’d suddenly become aware of the fact that Grady Holloway— the Grady Holloway, my every fricking high school fantasy turned pro hockey god—was in my house, in my kitchen, looking at me with affection in his eyes not even the Debbie-Downer in my brain could rightfully deny.

“I like red.” His gaze slid to the shelf of drinkware by the sink. “May I?” he asked, motioning to the round stemmed glasses on the end.

“Sure.” I handed him the bottle and tugged the opener from the crock next to the stove. “Thanks.”

He gave me a pointed look. “I think out of the two of us, I’m the only one who should be saying that word tonight.”

I wasn’t sure if he meant because of the hallway or the fact that I was cooking him dinner. But either way, I was starting to sweat in my favorite Stevie Nicks T-shirt.

Grady poured two glasses as I got to work. Shepherd’s pie was one of my favorite meals because it was so easy to throw together. I wasn’t a bad cook, but I was a lazy one. After the stress we’d both been under all day, an easy dinner was exactly what we needed. And once it was in the oven, I had the perfect idea for how to unwind while things cooked. I strode past where Grady was sitting on my couch and into my bedroom.

I yanked my bathing suit from the top drawer, stepping quickly into the navy one piece with little cut-outs at the hip. I grabbed a pair of big beach towels before I dug around in my closet. “Gotcha,” I whispered to myself as I wrenched the bright green men’s trunks from the bottom of a pile of summer clothes.

“Here,” I said, stepping out into the living room again and tossing the long shorts at Grady. The suit hit him in the chest as he sat frozen, his eyes on me and his face stricken.

“What are you doing?”

I chuckled a little awkwardly under my breath. Grady and I had gone swimming in the lake a million times growing up so it wasn’t like he’d never seen me in my suit before. “I’m going to hit the hot tub out back while dinner cooks. Figured you might like to join. Panic attacks used to make me sore. You should soak for a bit.”

My words faded as Grady’s face went pale. He wasn’t looking at me anymore, he was staring at his hands where they gripped his thighs.

“Grady?” I didn’t know what I’d done, but clearly it was something. Cinching my towel tighter across my chest, I sat on the coffee table in front of him. “What’s wrong?”

He licked his lips, his eyes slowly finding mine. “I almost drowned.”

My mind drew a blank at first, but then I remembered the headlines about Florida. He’d rescued someone else from drowning. But maybe what had happened that day wasn’t so simple.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” I felt like an asshole. I had no idea that was what was going on with him. “I can change.” I went to get up, but he stopped me, his fingers around my arm.

“No. You should go in. You had a rough day too.” His color was coming back and he nodded at me with a sweet smile on his face.

“I will if you do.”

“Jill…”

I put my hand on top of his. “I’m not going to make you do anything you’re not ready for. How you deal with this is your choice. But you told me today you want to get your life back. We won’t be in the ocean. You don’t even have to come all the way in. But maybe just sit with your feet in the bubbles. Help your mind see that you’re safe even if you’re by water again.”

My therapist had been one of the sweetest, kindest women I’d ever met. But she knew that I had to start somewhere. I got to decide what that looked like, and she was there to support me in any way I needed. But we all had to start somewhere.

Grady let out a shaky breath, his eyes falling to the green fabric crumpled in his lap. “Okay.”

“Okay?” I wasn’t exactly excited about this; seeing the distress on Grady’s face still had my heart in a vice. But if he was going to try, then he was going to get nothing but encouragement from me.

“But only if you tell me why you have men’s swim trunks in your house.” He glanced up at me, a spark in his eye that made it a little easier to breathe again.

“They’re Joey’s.” I rolled my eyes as I shoved off the table. “From like four years ago. He forgot them here and I just never remembered to give them back.”

Grady pushed off the couch, the shorts in his hand. “I wonder how many times he’s torn apart his closet looking for them?”

I laughed, biting my lip at how well Grady knew my brother. “A dozen at least.” I pointed down the hall. “Bathroom’s the second door on the right. I’ll be outside. Take all the time you need.” He held my gaze a moment longer, sucking in a steadying breath before he walked away.

I would never assume to know what was going on inside someone else’s brain. I was barely able to handle what went on in mine. But every time Grady let me in, shared a little more about what he was up against, I felt like the world was just the tiniest bit brighter. He was stronger than he realized, but I’d be there to remind him until he believed that again.