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CHAPTER 13

GRADY

I guess I should have been glad the swim trunks were a few years old. LeAnn had done a good job of helping Joey trim down since then, and if these had been a recent pair I don’t think they’d have fit. As it was my thighs were testing the seams. But as I looked at myself in the full-length mirror hanging off the back of the door, that wasn’t what I was concerned with.

No, the ghosts in my eyes were all I saw.

Jill had no idea the land mine she’d stepped on out there. I hadn’t either, to be honest. It was the sight of her in a bathing suit that had set me off. The instant visceral reminder of swimming, water . . . dying. It hit me like a fucking truck. But once again she’d been able to pull me back from the edge. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this, but it had been so long since I’d even touched anything but a shower, I didn’t want to miss a chance to test my reaction. At least if I freaked out here, only Jill would be around to see.

And she’d already seen me freak out plenty.

It had been bad enough Jill saw me come apart. But then when she asked what she could do to help? She was just trying to be comforting, but the feel of her hands on me had stirred up a lot more than she’d intended. She wasn’t being coy, that’s not who she was. But the way my body had lit up . . . thank god I’d snapped out of it. Crossing the line with her was out of the question. No matter how fucked up I was, I couldn’t let myself make that move.

Especially because of how fucked up I was.

The smell of dinner was filling the house as I made my way outside with my glass of wine and the spare towel Jill had left hanging on the back of the chair. It was a perfect early summer night. A light humidity lingered in the air, but otherwise the temperature had dropped to a comfortable heat. The sky was a rusty maroon at the edges, fading to a gray blue over our heads. When I spotted a bat swooping above us I smiled; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been outside looking up at the sky to spot them.

“They do fit . . . mostly,” Jill snickered as I set my wine on the wooden decking that surrounded two sides of the bubbling hot tub.

“It’s not my fault your brother needs to up his leg game.”

“Oooo, you gonna tell him that next time you see him?”

I laughed, taking a sip of wine as I considered my options. “Nah. I’m already on his shit list.”

Jill rested her head back, taking in the sky. “He really needs to get over himself.”

My eyes were glued to her; the long line of her neck, the movement of the water as it slipped over her collarbone. It sluiced around her like it was greedy to feel as much of her skin as it could, as if it knew the soft warmth of her touch and wanted more.

“You getting in or what?” Jill asked, snapping my attention back. She cracked a lopsided grin, thankfully interpreting my hesitation as anxiety and not the blatant ogling it was.

“I’m going to start slow,” I said, my eyes on the water as I perched on the decking. I slipped my ankles below the surface as she watched. There was hope in her eyes, and compassion, and it gave me something to hold onto besides the fear churning inside.

“One step at a time,” she said, reaching for her glass.

My gaze was still fixed on the bubbling water when I asked her, “You seem to be pretty well versed in this. Do you mind if I ask you what happened?” Joey had alluded to something, and I wasn’t sure it was my place, but the more time I spent with her, the more I wanted to know everything about Jill Jordan, even the bad shit. Maybe especially the bad shit.

When she didn’t answer right away I glanced up to find her staring at me. I didn’t like the look on her face, sad and still, like she’d been captured by the past through my question alone.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have pried.”

Shaking her head, she shifted on her seat, moving the jet behind her across her shoulders and back again. “It’s fine. It was a couple of years ago. I had a boyfriend and then I didn’t. I didn’t take it so well.”

Of course it was a fucking guy. I tamped down the urge to pummel the asshole, quite sure Joey had provided more than enough of that kind of energy when it happened.

“What did he do?” Why the hell I wanted the details was beyond me as I was already struggling with the image of Jill in another man’s arms. As if I had any right to her?

“He left.”

“Left you? Left town?”

Jill sighed, rolling her eyes. “Both. His name was Adam. He was a philosophy professor. Or, at least, he was becoming a professor. We met at school and after he went into a graduate program to become a professor at USM. His mom was a professor there and he said he’d always wanted to be like her.”

“Momma’s boy, huh?” I chuckled, even though I still wanted to punch his face.

“Not really. I don’t know. Anyway, he changed his mind as soon as he got his doctorate and took a job in Nebraska instead.”

“Nebraska?” No way this guy was smart enough for a doctorate degree. Who the hell leaves a woman like Jill to move to fucking Nebraska? I’m sure it’s a lovely place to live, but come the fuck on.

Jill wasn’t laughing like I hoped she would have at the ridiculous choice this asshole made. She slunk down until her chin was covered by the water bubbling up, her eyes on the surface as it pitched and rolled over itself.

“He said it was a better option. So he left.”

“Did he ask you to go with him?”

She shook her head, her eyes still down. “No. Not that I would have anyway. I love it here and my family is here. I don’t want to live anywhere else.”

“And I gather he knew that?”

“Yep.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off her, the way she’d made herself so small was in such stark contrast to the powerhouse she’d been for me in that hallway. Sturdy and sure and ready to take on my demons right there with me. I should have changed the subject, but I wanted to understand.

“So, he left. And then what happened?”

Jill’s eyes finally sliced my way, an openness in them that pinned me to my spot on the deck.

“Adam had met me during one of my worst times. College was where I first started therapy and learned how bad my depression and anxiety could get. He’d seen me at my bottom and never made me feel like a loser or freak about it.” She paused, sitting up again and swiping her hair from her face. “But I guess I hadn’t realized how much he’d started to take over. Suddenly we were both on some hi-tech diet, but I was the only one who ever got on the scale. I stopped doing any of my own hobbies.” She looked at me like she’d shocked herself. “I stopped reading fiction. Like, full stop. Because there was”—her fingers dripped as she held them up in air quotes—“no point to it when we had so much work to do to understand ourselves .”

The way her eyes drained of their spark the more she went on was like watching the color fade from the world at dusk.

“We almost never saw our friends—my friends—and my family thought I was doing better, so they didn’t push it. It wasn’t until after he left that I realized he’d been gaslighting me and manipulating me for years.”

“Jesus,” I muttered, seeing in her eyes just how lost she’d been.

“He walked away and I had nothing in my life that was me anymore. But the kicker was what he said to me the night he broke it off.”

She sighed, her beautiful lips curving into a sad, hopeless grin. “He told me that he couldn’t let my fears and my issues hold him back anymore. That he’d given up enough for me, and it was time for him to start living for himself again. I’d cost him too much already .”

Now I felt like an asshole for asking about all this. Jill was staring at the water, her head shaking from side to side as if she was hearing the words in her head all over again. Before I could tell her that prick was wrong and a worthless sack of shit, she went on.

“When he left I had no idea who I was anymore. I was scared all the time that I was making the wrong choices. That I’d never make the right choice again without him to help me. He’d made every decision for so long that I didn’t know how to exist without him.” She looked down at her pruney fingers, shaking her head. “I needed help to get myself back on track, to learn how to handle my panic attacks on my own again. To trust myself again.” Her gaze lifted to mine and she gave me a resigned smile that felt like a punch straight to the gut. “That’s how I know a little bit of what you might be feeling.”

It wouldn’t help to tell her I thought she’d had it worse. This wasn’t a contest either of us wanted to win. But my stomach was in a knot thinking about Jill being left like that, after she’d trusted that asshole with every part of her. It was scary as hell to think about anyone but her seeing me the way I’d gotten that afternoon, but to think that I’d have been alone was even worse.

“And Joey didn’t hunt this guy down?”

That got a real smile from her. “Nah, but only because I begged him not to. I might have been utterly lost and miserable, but I knew that revenge wasn’t going to taste sweet enough to make it worth the trouble he’d get in.”

For all his rule following, I had no doubt Joey would have thrown every bit of professionalism out the window if he’d had the chance to nail this guy. He was a cop because he wanted to stick up for people who needed help, and he loved his family more than anything. It was one of the reasons we’d never lost touch even after I moved away; because I was lucky enough to be considered family to him.

Not something I took lightly, either. Which was why I kept my eyes to myself when Jill reached for her wine again, the water level sinking low enough as she moved to reveal the perfect, heavy roundness of her tits in that skin tight suit.

I noticed. I didn’t stare, there’s a difference.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, licking the wine from her lips.

I swung my legs back and forth in the water, the sensation of it against my calves one I’d gotten used to while she talked. “I think I’m ready to try more.”

“Good.” She smiled, setting her wine down and moving back to the other side of the tub. I didn’t tell her, but I needed her to stay on that side. I needed as much space while I did this as she could give me.

“Here goes nothing,” I sighed, bracing my hands on the deck beside me and sliding further under the surface. My pulse kicked up as the water reached over my hips, and then my abs. But I didn’t stop until I was settled on the molded plastic seat across from her, a jet hammering into my back like a massage gun. It felt almost good enough to mask the anxious chill that raked through me.

Jill’s brow bent, reading the fear I wasn’t very good at hiding from her. “Still good?”

“Getting there.” The bubbles were different than they were when I’d been held under water, but they still triggered a degree of panic. Still, this was nothing compared to the ocean. Or even the pool I’d yet to get into. “This is a pretty sweet spot,” I said, forcing myself to look around me, trying to orient myself in the simple beauty of her backyard instead of the dark memories that wanted to take over.

Jill glanced around, her expression brightening like the stars beginning to pop out above us. “Yeah, I think it’s heavenly. I get that it’s probably boring to most, but it suits me just fine.”

“Boring to me?”

She shrugged. “You live a pretty fast-paced, city life, right? I wouldn’t blame you if this was too slow to keep your attention.”

For all the ways it felt like Jill knew me, she was way off on this one. “Not a chance. I love it up here. If I could teleport to games and live the rest of my life out here, I would.”

“Really? Even with all that you’ve seen?”

“Really. There’s a magic about this place that I’ve never felt anywhere else.”

She hummed, her eyes drifting back to the sky as she considered that. “So, now that you know my sordid past. Does that mean I get to ask you about yours?”

My stomach flopped over on itself, the curiosity in her gaze shooting a dart right through me. “I guess so. Are we talking dating or the thing in Miami?”

Her brow scrunched up like she’d bitten into something sour. “Ew. I don’t want to know about your sexual exploits. I’ve done a good job of avoiding that fodder all these years, let’s not tarnish my image of you any further.”

It was hard not to laugh at her, but my humor died when I realized that meant she wanted to hear about the drowning.

“Only if you’re okay to talk about it.” She swished her hand through the water. “Especially in here. That was probably a shitty thing to ask given where we are.”

My grip on the bench beneath me was so tight my hands were starting to hurt, so I let go and reached for my wine. “It’s okay. I can talk about it.”

Most of it , I thought while I was turned away from her. There were some parts of that day I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to reveal to anyone.

“Were you scared?”

I coughed, inhaling wine down the wrong pipe. “I think you already know the answer to that, but thanks for going straight for the jugular.”

Jill folded her lips in on themselves, just like she’d done in the hallway earlier and I couldn’t pull my eyes off them. They were stained with wine now, but just as full and enticing. My hands wrapped around the bench seat again, but this time fear had less to do with the tightness of my grip.

“Just tell me what you want to tell me then,” she said, shifting back and forth in front of the jet.

When her leg grazed mine she flinched, looking under the water at how close we were even though we were sitting on opposite sides. I liked her being close. I just wasn’t sure how close would be safe for her to get.

“I’d already worked out that morning,” I said, finding it easiest to just start from the beginning. “My arms were lead, but I had to get in some cardio, so I opted for a run along the beach instead of the treadmill.” I swallowed, my throat a little tighter every time I thought back to that morning.

“No wonder you look like”—she swung her hand in the air, little droplets flying in either direction as she roved over me with a glint in her eye—“ that .”

She was trying to lighten the mood, something I appreciated more than I could say. The therapist the team had forced me to see right after had said that retelling the story wouldn’t be so hard if I was telling the right person. That it didn’t have to feel like reliving it every time, if I was with someone I trusted and stayed in the moment with them. Jill wasn’t taking what I said lightly, but she was making sure I didn’t slip too far into the memory.

She really was good at this.

“I’d forgotten my ear pods in my hotel room.” I shook my head, still amazed at that tiny detail. “If I’d been wearing them, there’s no way I’d have heard his cries.”

Jill nodded somberly, her eyes never leaving mine.

“By the time I swam all the way out to where he was, I was tired. Way too tired to even be of much use. But I wasn’t really thinking at that point. I was just trying to get to him. And then when I did, it went so fucking sideways.”

This time when her leg grazed mine it wasn’t an accident and Jill didn’t flinch. When she did it again I nudged mine back. It sent a spike of adrenaline through me, the memory of my legs tangling with Julian’s that morning sitting just below the surface. But with my eyes locked on her, I forced myself to keep breathing.

“He wasn’t easy to hold onto, and pulling him down the beach until we were out of the rip was . . .” I couldn’t say it was more than I could manage, because I’d managed it. But it felt like more. It felt never-ending. But I’d done it, so this was the point in the story where everyone usually slapped me on the back and said, “but you did it,” even though that never once made me feel better.

“Terrifying?” Jill asked, her sweet face hung low, the corners of her lips turned down as she waited me out.

“Yeah. That.”

“And what else?”

Watching the water churn between us, I could still feel the panic as Julian thrashed against me, still taste the salt as water filled my throat. “Hopeless.”

“Oh, Grady.” Jill slid along the seat toward me.

She’d cut the distance by half before I realized what she was doing, and held up my hand, barking at her. “No, stop!”

She jolted back, her eyes wide, like I’d hit her. I fought to catch my breath, slamming my eyes closed. I couldn’t look at her when she was staring at me like that.

“Tell me what you need,” she whispered.

“I . . .” God damn it, I’d been doing so well. I heard my jaw pop as I gnashed my teeth, shame burning through me like a hot poker. “I’m . . .”

My arms were stretched wide along the top of the tub, my hands wrapped around the edge as I tried to hold on. When I felt Jill’s tiny fingers on top of mine, a broken sigh erupted out of me. “ Fuck .” Turning my hand over, I closed my fingers around hers. “Just don’t move, okay?” I swallowed, forcing my eyes open. “I don’t want to hurt you.” The words barely scraped out, the idea that I’d harm her like acid boiling in my chest.

“Okay. I’ll stay right here.” She gave my hand a squeeze, a deep line between her brows as she watched me. “You won’t hurt me.”

It was an unfathomable idea. But fear turns people into monsters. I knew firsthand. And if I ever hurt her, even by accident, I’d never forgive myself. Joey wouldn’t have to hunt me down to make me pay. I’d volunteer.