Page 20

CHAPTER 19

GRADY

I was going backwards. For all the progress I thought I’d been making, the last few days had seen me slide right back to where I was. My nightmares were constant again, and every morning I was forced to change my sheets after waking up in a cold sweat. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was as if the last few weeks hadn’t even happened. I’d be worried about what that meant for the upcoming season if I wasn’t so angry about it. Nothing I was doing was working, and there was too much at stake for me to still be this off balance.

It wasn’t just my failed attempts at the pool, which I’d pretty much given up on. I did the exercises my PTs had instructed, but I couldn’t even look at the deep end. Just the idea of wading out over my head was enough to have me hurling in the bathroom again. Nothing sounds quite as depressing as chucking your dinner down the bowl in a gym so empty it echoes off the walls back to you.

Joey had been blowing up my phone, and I was convinced he’d even roped Cory in on it, the two of them pestering me about hanging out and playing in a league game. Of course I wanted to hang out with my friends. But there was no way I could be around them, not like this. Joey would evil-eye me until I started sweating, and if I had a panic attack in front of them I’d never get over it. Being this weak wasn’t how I wanted my friends to see me.

But as bad as it would be for the guys to catch sight of this shit show, it was Jill I wanted to avoid the most.

She’d already seen enough, helped me enough, and I’d fucked it all up.

What I’d said the other night hurt her. I hadn’t meant to, and we both knew nothing could happen between us, but the idea that she’d be a regret ?

It killed me she’d left thinking that. How the hell had I let things get so messed up? I had absolutely no answers for what to do about us, because it wasn’t just about not violating the trust of one of my best friends. It was about me going back to Boston at the end of the summer, and Jill staying in Holden Cove. I cared way too much about her to ever start down a road that would only leave her hurting again after I was gone. The possibility I might have already done that had me in a constant state of nausea.

Tossing my gym bag in my car I got on the road just as the sun was dipping behind the western hills that lined the far edge of the lake. It would have been a perfect night to be out on a boat, cruising the water with a gentle breeze on your face. But the happy memories that filled me were quickly replaced by dread, twisting my gut until my palms started to sweat. I stuffed the urge to puke back down, just like I had every other day that week, and turned onto the main road.

That’s when the blue and red lights flashed behind me. I jumped, my heart skipping as the siren lit up sharply in my ears. I glanced down at my speedometer; I’d been going thirty-seven miles an hour. In a thirty-five zone. Two miles over? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

In the rearview I watched as the sheriff got out of his cruiser and slowly approached from the shoulder. I rolled my passenger window down, ready to tell Joey to fuck off, but when the sheriff rounded the side of my car I realized it wasn’t him.

“License and registration.”

I popped the glove box and fished out my paperwork, digging my license from my wallet and handing both to him through the window.

“You know how fast you were going?”

“The speed limit.” There was no way this guy was getting me for speeding.

Under the brim of his baseball hat the guy narrowed his eyes at my license, turning it over in his hand as he said, “Not quite. You were over.”

“I was two miles over,” I shot back, shaking my head as I glared at the stream of cars going by.

“Exactly,” he muttered before he turned and walked back to his cruiser.

This was a load of horseshit and he knew it. There was no fucking way I was getting a ticket for two miles over. I’d never gotten a speeding ticket in my life. I’d never gotten anything but a parking violation, one time . I’d parked in staff parking at college once when I was late for an exam and hadn’t seen the sign.

I really didn’t need anything else to add to the list of ways I was screwing up right now, but by the scowl on this guy’s face as he walked back, he had it out for me. Not everyone was a hockey fan.

“Here you are,” he handed back my paperwork, locking eyes with me through the open window. “I’m just going to give you a written warning today, but keep your speed down. This is a residential area, we don’t want to see anyone get hurt.”

A sliver of relief unfurled as I took the warning from his hand. I glanced down at it, still feeling the urge to argue about two lousy miles over the limit but biting my tongue as he placed his hands on the side of my car and leaned closer.

“And keep your hands to yourself from now on, hot shot. She’s not any less off limits than she was three weeks ago.”

My eyes went wide as the deputy held my gaze. He tilted his head and it clicked that this was a warning from Joey.

“He said to watch yourself. Cause he’s still watching you.”

My hand was frozen in midair and the paper bent limply as I swallowed through a bone-dry throat. Jesus . Joey had me pulled over? He was warning me through his guys now? What the fuck was going on?

“You hear me?” he asked, growing impatient with my silence.

A breath heaved out of me as my own frustration bubbled up. “Yeah I fucking hear you,” I muttered, turning back to the windshield and dropping the paper on the seat next to me. “Tell him to back the fuck off, nothing happened.”

“Tell him yourself.” He gave me one more pointed glare and then disappeared, striding back to his cruiser shaking his head.

I’d been avoiding Joey so that I could skip out on this conversation, but it didn’t look like my friend was going to give me that option anymore. What the hell had happened? This was extreme, even for him. Had Jill said something? Had she been so upset the other night he was worried about her? Fuck . I had to see her. I had to fix this.

Grady: Hey, can you talk?

Jill: About what?

Grady: Can we just meet for a minute?

Jill: You okay?

No, I was not fucking okay. But I didn’t want to do this over text. And of course she’d ask about me , because she was sweet and caring, and knew I was a fucking disaster. It burned a hole in my gut how much I wanted to be okay while at the same time yearning to be honest with her about how much I wasn’t.

Grady: Yeah, just want to chat for a sec

Jill: When?

Grady: Soon as you can. Where are you?

Jill: I’m at the town park

I was typing back that I was on my way when the bubbles popped up again and then she wrote:

Jill: By the beach

My stomach rolled over on itself, the agitation I’d already felt all morning squeezing like a knot just below my ribs.

Grady: Be there in fifteen

Jill: You sure?

Grady: Stay put

I wasn’t going to let my stupid fear of water make me look even weaker. I could stand next to the damn lake. I thought. I hoped. The sweat at my temples and the urge to vomit said otherwise, but I wasn’t going to make more of a scene than this already was. Jill loved the water, and loved the lake. Part of me wondered what she was doing down there this late in the day.

As I pulled into the parking lot my pulse started to thrum so hard in my neck I felt it in my jaw. Like a clock ticking down, it beat out a pace of warning. The closer I got to the water the more the blood rush blocked out all other sounds. Pulling in beside Jill’s car, I cut the engine and just sat there, willing myself to breathe. Through my windshield the lake spread out, a flat blue plane at the base of the surrounding hills. The shades of green, the sunlight and shadow. It was a gorgeous view, and even my panic couldn’t make me change my mind about that.

But the thing that finally helped my chest loosen enough to suck in a full inhale was Jill. My eyes landed on her where she was perched on top of a picnic table. Her elbows dug into her thighs as she leaned forward, her eyes on the water. The same gentle breeze I’d thought about before moved through her hair like my fingers had when she’d hugged me the other night. I could still feel the silky strands, could still smell the tea tree oil of her shampoo. I could have sat watching her forever, just absorbing her peace as if I had any right to it.

“Sorry to disturb you,” I said, coming up beside the table. She didn’t jump, which meant she’d heard me coming. But she didn’t turn my way either.

“You’re not disturbing me.” She sighed, glancing at me from the side. “Are you sure you’re okay to be here?”

Something about the way she said it made me think I didn’t look okay. “I’m good.”

The lie slipped out so easily. It was practiced and worn, but even I was getting tired of hearing it. My exhaustion wasn’t just from not sleeping; I was so damn tired of holding up this wall between me and the truth. Between the truth and everyone else.

“So, what was so urgent?” She spun, facing me head on and I dropped my eyes to the ground, guilt washing over me.

“Are you all right?” The question sort of burst out of me, my hands fisting in my pockets. “The other night . . .” I caught her staring at me, scrutinizing my frown with a worried gaze. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Jill’s expression fell, her shoulders drooping as she shook her head. “You don’t have to worry about me, Grady. I’m fine.”

“Is that why your brother just had me pulled over? Had one of his guys warn me to stay away from you?”

Her head snapped up, her back going rod-straight. “He did what ?”

The ire on her face made me proud. Jill was just as stubborn and tough as Joey, even though he would never admit it. Seeing the flare of anger in her eye made me think maybe she was doing okay after all.

“I just got a warning for going thirty-seven in a thirty-five so that I could get told to keep my hands to myself.”

Jill launched off the table, spinning back at the water with her hands in her hair. “Are you fucking kidding me? That fricking jackass.”

I huffed out a laugh, the sight of her, the mere proximity to her, easing something painfully tense inside me. “So, I take it you didn’t tell him anything about what’s been going on?”

When she turned back to me it was with an incredulous look. I held up my hands in surrender, knowing better than to really believe Jill would have divulged anything to her brother.

“No.”

“Well, something set him off.”

She rolled her eyes to the sky and blew out a harsh breath. “Yeah, you! You won’t call him back so he thinks it’s because you’re feeling guilty.” She shook her head again, laughing with a sour look in her eye. “As if you have anything to be guilty about.”

I took a step toward her, the bitterness in her voice like a knife cutting at the comfort being near her had brought me. “I do feel guilty. I never should have touched you that night at the pool. I never should have even thought about it. You were helping me, and I took it too fucking far.”

If I thought Jill had looked hurt the other night, I was wrong. Now she looked downright wounded.

“You say that like I wasn’t even there? Like I had no say in what happened, or that I didn’t want it.” She looked back at her car like she was ready to storm over to it and leave me standing there. “Jesus. You and him are both such fucking assholes. I’m not a child, Grady. I’m not even the stupid teenager who had a crush on you for fucking years. I kissed you back. I wanted you to touch me. Whatever guilt you have for that, you can get the hell over it. Joey doesn’t get to decide my life. And I get that you wish you’d never laid a hand on me, but I don’t. So, you’re going to have to make peace with that on your own.”

She went to walk past me, but I slid in front of her, blocking her path. “Stop. Wait.”

“Why did you want to talk to me so bad? Because you thought I’d ratted you out to my brother? Well, I didn’t. But I can tell him to leave you alone. Okay?”

“No, not okay,” I said, grabbing her arms and tugging her toward me. “None of this is okay. I’m not okay. I’m even fucking worse since last weekend when you walked away. I don’t care about your brother harassing me, I wanted to talk to you because I thought I’d hurt you. All week I thought you were upset and that’s why Joey came after me. I thought I’d fucked things up even more. You would never have been a regret, Jill. Jesus. Not even close.”

My heart was racing, the thing pounding so hard it made my vision pulse. Her words ran like a loop in my head; she’d kissed me back, she’d wanted me to touch her . She was practically vibrating in my hands, the same magnetic pull I always felt for her drawing me in.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” I sighed, giving in to my biggest fear.

“Hurt me how?” she whispered, a deep line between her eyebrows as she searched my face.

“I go back to Boston in a matter of weeks. I can’t be another guy who leaves you behind.”

“Grady.” She stepped closer, her hands on my chest. “You can’t possibly be comparing yourself to Adam. Are you? You couldn’t be more different. And this is nothing like that.”

This.

Us .

On the surface I knew that. But the way she said it, her head canting to the side as if I’d been silly to even entertain the idea made something in my chest snap. I realized at that moment I hadn’t been holding back because of Joey. Yeah, upsetting him would be rough, but this had been about more than him since the beginning. I’d feared hurting the one person who’d been there for me, who knew how fucked up I was and had never done anything but give me hope.

I shook my head. “I’m going to leave.”

The skin around her eyes crinkled as she gave me a knowing smirk. “I know.”

“So, then you agree. Nothing else should happen.”

She bobbed her head back and forth, smirking playfully. “No. I don’t agree.”

The glint in her eyes had my dick twitching. “What are you saying?”

She slid her hands up my body, skimming the spot on my neck where my pulse was hammering, as she said, “I’m saying we’re both adults and we have an opportunity this summer to help each other.” Her eyes dropped to my chest as her bravado faltered. “You keep pushing me to be braver. And even though I think my life is perfectly fine the way it is, I can admit that it’s been a little fun to test my limits.”

When she found my eyes again there was a hope in them that filled me like a balloon. It surged through me, lifting me up. I’d do damn near anything to keep that light in her eyes.

“And I could keep helping you with your training.” It sounded like a question, like she doubted what she offered me in this arrangement.

“As if that’s all you do,” I huffed, my hands sweeping down her arms, the urge to touch her overpowering me just like it always did.

“I’m just saying. We could make the most of this summer. No expectations beyond it.”

A twinge of apprehension needled me. “You’re sure you want this? Knowing it’s not going to last.”

Jill pulled her shoulders back, tipping her chin up as she exhaled. “Yeah. I do. I’m not the same person I was when Adam left me. And I don’t want to be. This thing between us . . .”

She ticked her finger back and forth, my eyes tracking the slender digit like she was deciding my fate. Because this was her decision. I knew I was getting the better end of this deal, and I’d do whatever I could to give something back to her. But this was her choice.

“It’s a chance for me to have a good time without being destroyed when it ends,” she went on, pausing to shrug as the corner of her mouth tilted up. “I really want to learn how to enjoy something but not lose myself in it, you know?”

There was such sweetness in her eyes. I’d have said yes to anything she asked me looking like that. “I think so.”

I’d never gotten that close to someone else, so I was speculating. Hockey had been my only focus for as long as I could remember. “You’re sure? You can change your mind.”

When she laughed, her head tilted back, giving me all too easy access to the soft skin of her throat. I felt the last strands of my hesitation snap and my lips landed on her pulse point as I wrapped her in my arms.

“Yes,” she huffed out, her voice breathy as she combed her fingers through my hair. “I’m sure.”

“Then it’s a deal, Jilly-fish.” I kissed down to her collar bone before pulling back to look her in the eye. “You’re mine for the summer.”

Her eyes twinkled and she nodded at me before freezing. “And my brother?”

I sighed, brushing my lips across hers because not touching her wasn’t an option now that I knew she was okay and we were on the same page. “I’ll talk to him.”

Her grin was lopsided—half playful, half doubtful. “I’m not sure talking is going to get you very far. But have fun trying.”

She was probably right. Joey wasn’t much of a ‘gray area’ kind of guy. But this was what Jill wanted. And, quite frankly, it was what I needed . Holding her in my arms I felt the first hint of peace I’d gotten all week. Whatever she was doing to me, it was working. So yeah, I was willing to take Joey on so I could keep this girl in my arms.

My girl. If only for the summer.