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CHAPTER 40

GRADY

“ H olloway! My office!”

I dropped my head into my hands, letting out a sigh before shoving off the locker room bench. AJ watched me walk out, his grim expression not helping as I headed into Blaise’s office to get my ass handed to me.

“Sit,” he barked, slamming the door behind me. “What the fuck? What’s going on?” I opened my mouth to respond, but he went on. “You were fine two weeks ago. Back to your old self. You brought in Michum and you were fucking king of the ice. What the fuck happened?”

These were only exhibition games, but if I said that out loud Blaise would lose it. Besides, it had never mattered to me before whether a game counted or not. I was playing like shit, and every fucking person in the rink knew it.

“I’m sorry, Coach.”

“No.” He lowered his voice, sitting heavily into his chair. “I don’t want an apology, Holloway. I want to know what’s going on. For real this time.” He eyed me like he knew I’d kept things from him over the summer and he was insulted by it.

I looked up at the ceiling, swallowing hard. “I fucked up. I . . .” There was no way to say this out loud and not sound like a child, like some lovesick puppy. But if he was going to chew me out, he might as well know why. Maybe he’d scream some sense into me. “I fell for a girl. Over the summer. She helped me heal. She helped with a lot of things. But it . . . It didn’t work out.”

Blaise let out one long breath, like air being drained from a bike tire. And then he shook his head. “Fucking hell.”

That was not the response I expected. I wasn’t in college, I was a fucking adult. I should be able to keep my head on. But the nightmares were back, whether from missing Jill or from the stress of fucking up, it was like compounding interest I couldn’t get out from under.

“The librarian?”

I nodded, grinding my teeth. “I’ll get my head on. I promise.”

“What’s her name?”

He had to know that was torture, to make me say it. But he waited me out with a pointed stare.

“Jill.”

“Short for Jillian?”

What the hell? Was he trying to make me pay in some sick new way? “Yes. Jillian Genevieve Jordan. Okay?”

When the guy smiled at me, I thought I was going to lose it. “Pretty name.”

I was bouncing my knee and the office started to feel claustrophobic. I didn’t know what to say, so I muttered, “She’s great.”

“She’d have to be for you to be this messed up. So, what happened? She find someone else?”

“No,” I snapped, that idea was one I was definitely not ready to hear. “She just lives up in Maine, and she doesn’t want this life. She’s not really a crowds and bright lights kind of girl.”

“I like her already,” he sighed. “So, she fell for the hockey guy, not the hockey life.”

I shrunk a little thinking about how Jill hadn’t ever told me herself she loved me. Not that I’d told her either. But I knew how much I wanted to tell her. Still. “Yeah. Something like that.”

“Grady, you know this isn’t for everyone. What we do and how hard we have to go in on this. It’s more than most can even imagine, let alone sign up for.” He leaned back in his chair, his eyes drifting over my head as he smiled. “I get it though. I love my wife more than anything in this world.”

“More than hockey?”

He looked back at me like I was nuts. “Way more than hockey.” Sitting forward he leveled me with a much less pissed off glare. “But she doesn’t make me choose. And by the sounds of it, Jill didn’t make you choose either.”

“Of course not. She knew how much I wanted this. She did everything she could this summer to help me get back here, in shape and ready to win.”

He nodded, his lips pressed into a line. “Sounds like she’s worth this much trouble. But . . .” Here it was, the smackdown I’d expected. “You can’t throw all this away on account of her not being here. So, do what you need to do, get laid, whatever. But don’t make all her effort meaningless by fucking yourself out of your spot.”

I knew he was right. I wanted to get back on the ice and do this thing. But getting laid wasn’t going to help. Neither was AJ’s fucking stare when I got back to the locker room. I ignored him, reaching for my phone to order my favorite post-game meal; chicken parm on a wedge from Martino’s down the street. Only when I unlocked it, I had a text from Joey.

Joey: Love, ME Books opens October 15th

She’d done it. She’d actually gotten the loan and was doing it. I sat back on the bench, smiling down at my phone like an idiot. I was so proud of her. My girl had gone after it.

Grady: Thanks man

Joey: Sure

AJ sat down beside me on the bench like he was some kind of enforcer, his menacing energy nothing compared to the joy coursing through me though.

“Save it, man, I heard enough from Coach.”

He shook his head. “Clearly not.” Pointing to my phone he raised his eyebrows. “You only look like that for her.”

“It’s not her.” I shoved off the bench grabbing my towel for the shower. “She just went after something she’s wanted for a long time. And I’m happy for her. Okay?”

It was almost imperceptible, but I could have sworn I saw his scowl ease. “Good for her.”

It was good for her. It was great for her. And I hoped like hell it meant she was doing okay. It had to mean that, right? She had to be doing all right because she was going after life, and she was winning. It wasn’t going to make me stop wanting her, but it maybe made missing her sting a little less.

Maybe.