Page 19

CHAPTER 18

JILL

I don’t think I’d ever been pulled out of an anxiety spiral so fast. Hearing the threatening timbre of Grady’s voice when he’d told Adam to back off was just . . . he’d never sounded like that before. Ever. And for him to get that upset for me? It had me spinning. But in a totally new way.

Wink at my girl again.

My girl.

Grady had been playing a part, but it didn’t change the way those words—spoken about me , by him —sent a shiver down my arms every time I replayed them in my head.

The high only started to fade as we drove home from the game. The closer we got to Holden Cove the more I wondered how long Adam was in town. What had brought him home. And whether I’d run into him again—without Grady next time.

Memories of our relationship drifted through my head, good ones and bad ones alike. After all the therapy I’d done about it, I could see the parts of what we’d had I genuinely missed. Seeing him again made that longing sting with fresh venom.

When we got back to Grady’s house I headed for my car and he followed, leaning against the side of it.

“Hey,” he said, drawing closer as I reached for the door. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” I answered quickly, trying to reassure him after being so quiet on the ride home.

He caught my eye in the fading light, a line across his brow. “You know you don’t have to be. I can’t imagine seeing him today was easy. And I didn’t exactly give you a chance to process on your own.” His gaze fell to his hands as he cracked his knuckles, like he still had the itch to lay Adam out.

I blew out a harsh breath. “You’re right. It sucked,” I admitted, feeling like he’d earned a little honesty.

His eyes flicked back up. “Is there anything I can do? I could still drive to his house and fuck him up. That offer is never off the table,” he said, giving me a sad smile. “But everything else is on the table too.”

A part of me wanted to crack a joke, to lighten the mood again so I could hide how much it meant to me that he cared. In that moment I didn’t feel like Joey’s little sister. It was like I was significant to Grady all on my own. And that felt really nice.

“There is one thing.”

Grady’s eyes went wide. “What?”

“This,” I whispered, stepping into the space between his legs, and wrapping my arms around his neck.

Without hesitation Grady closed me inside his arms. He took my weight as I buried myself in the crook of his shoulder and melted into him. His lips pressed against my skin as he stroked a hand through my hair and then down my back. He said nothing as he kept one arm cinched tight around my waist and rubbed me soothingly with the other.

It was everything. Everything I needed and wanted and missed.

I was ashamed to admit how badly I’d longed for this after Adam left. That feeling of being so close to someone that words were completely unnecessary. That a tight grip could settle my nerves and bring me back from the darkness. Adam had been the first person to do that, to just close around me, shutting out the world until I felt strong enough to face it again. I hated how much I still wanted that. Seeing him had made the ache worse.

But it was different in Grady’s arms. He wasn’t passive or removed. He wasn’t just the wall I needed for protection. He was warm and engaged. He nuzzled into me, closing his fingers over my hip and squeezing the back of my neck. He didn’t just hold me, he embraced me—and everything going on inside me.

I never wanted him to let me go.

And for a long time, he didn’t. I was the one to finally pull away, leaning back so I could see him. “Thank you.”

He gently pushed a hair from my face. “Anytime.”

We were hung there, the humidity as thick as the tension we were swimming in. Grady’s eyes flicked to my lips, his fingers flinching against my side. I’d never been so easily attracted to anyone. Maybe it was just a proximity thing, being four inches apart more than our bodies could handle. But the hunger in his eyes felt like more than that. It felt heavy and light, all at once. Bright with inspiration, but dark with need.

Breaking the silence, Grady’s voice scraped out, “God, you know how much I want this, don’t you?”

His desperate gaze had my body pulsing. I sucked in a shaky breath, sliding my hands up his chest just so I could feel the sturdiness of it again. His heart racing beneath my palm drew my eyes down, as if I’d be able to see the thing pumping madly under his skin.

“I think so.” It was still hard to imagine the guy I’d crushed on for most of my formative years actually wanted me back.

“You held my cock in your hands, Jill, you know so.”

I glanced up at him through my lashes. “You want me to hold it again?” Playing with fire like this wasn’t my style, but maybe I didn’t know what my style was. All I knew was that watching this powerful, gorgeous man pant with need did something to me. Something I liked .

“Christ,” he hissed, dropping his forehead to my shoulder as his hips ground into mine. “I’m not going to fucking make it.”

“Make what?”

He whipped back, eyeing me like I was crazy. “To the end of the summer. I can’t be around you for more than five seconds before all I can think about is devouring you while you scream my name.”

His words had heat rushing over my cheeks. “What about the first four seconds?” I asked, slanting my head to the side as he scowled at me. “You on a time delay or something?”

Gripping me harder he tugged me flush against him, and a startled yip burst out of me. “No, smart ass. For the first four seconds I force myself to behave because it’s the right thing to do. I’m just not strong enough to keep it up.” His eyes shadowed over, guilt in them I’d seen before.

Forcing my voice to remain steady, I lifted onto my toes, dusting my lips over his and said, “You’re stronger than you think.” And then I stepped back. Grady’s hands hung in midair as he watched me retreat with a pained expression. “You don’t want to be another thing that makes me anxious, and I won’t be something you regret.”

“ Jill. ”

The apology on his face flooded cold disappointment through me, but I refused to let him see it. After he’d made me feel so safe, so protected, I didn’t want to ruin everything by rehashing what he’d made perfectly clear was never going to happen.

“It’s okay,” I said, giving him a reassuring grin as I yanked my door open. “We had a really lovely day, Grady. Let’s not spoil it.”

He looked like he had an argument on his lips but he bit it back. I sighed, needing to get home without another emotional upheaval.

“I’ll see you next week,” he said, just before I closed my door.

I nodded, giving him a quick wave as I pulled through his parents’ circular driveway. He watched me go, his tortured expression barely visible in the dimming dusk light.

When I got to my desk that Monday there was a manilla folder sitting on top of my calendar with a pink sticky note attached to the front. It read, ‘ This is exactly what we need !’ I recognized the handwriting as my boss’s. Cleo wasn’t that much older than me, but she had handwriting like an old lady, nearly perfect penmanship.

Flipping open the folder I saw a print out of a Portland Herald article, the Sea Dog’s outfield screen lit up with Grady and I and the library’s information splashed across the bottom. The article wasn’t about us exclusively. It covered a variety of community efforts the Sea Dogs were involved in, but the mention of our reading program was only three paragraphs down. Only Grady’s name was mentioned, which made me laugh. I was his ‘library partner.’ Not quite a caped crusader, but I’d take it. The anonymity suited me just fine.

“There you are!” Lis called, sliding into the chair by my desk like you’d slide into homebase.

Oh my god, I was making sports references in my head now? It wasn’t a hockey reference, but it was close enough. What was happening to me?

“I was here last week,” I said, laughing at her dramatic delivery. “Did you need something?”

“I need the details,” she hissed, leaning even closer. “You were holding his hand.”

My eyes whipped up. I grabbed the article from the folder again and scrutinized it. There was no way you could see Grady holding my hand in that picture.

“You’re seeing things, Lis. Look.” I tossed the article in her direction, the paper floating in front of her, but she wasn’t looking. “Nothing.”

“I saw footage on the news. And either he was holding your hand or he was giving you a hand,” she winked, her smirk a mile wide.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have kept the red from my cheeks. She didn’t even have to be right, my body was going to betray me no matter what. That I did actually know what it felt like for Grady to make me come with his fingers alone, was just making this worse.

“You’re really taking this fairy tale idea of yours too far,” I said, turning my red-cheeked face away from her to toss the folder in my drawer.

“Deny it all you want, my friend. But I can tell something is going on there. Hell, the very fact he got you to volunteer for a photo-op that was most definitely not on the program list, is all the evidence I need to prove you two are closer than you’re letting on.”

The annoyance I felt at Lis for poking her nose into my business was nothing compared to the embarrassment of seeing how clear her logic was. I was acting differently because of Grady. If anyone else had suggested that baseball game, I’d have laughed, and then run in the other direction.

There’d been good cause for the shock on Adam’s face when he’d seen us up on screen. Even though it hurt to see him again, some tiny part of me liked that he’d been there to see me, doing something I’d never have done before. And that he had nothing to do with.

“I think you need to download the apps again, you’re projecting your incessant need for romance onto me. And you’re only going to be disappointed.”

Regardless of how right she might be that something had happened with Grady, nothing else was going to, so we were both going to be disappointed.

Lis sniffed, sitting back in the chair and crossing her arms in front of her. “I still don’t buy it. But I’ll let you keep your secret relationship to yourself.” She leaned in again, her eyes narrow but her smile beaming. “For now.”

“Ahem.”

Lis and I both swiveled toward the door and my cheeks heated to inferno level all over again.

“Hello, Sheriff,” Lis said, swallowing thickly as she looked between us. She saw the same thing I did written all over my brother’s face; he’d been listening.

Joey’s humorless gaze was on me as he did his best to be intimidating. “Can I speak to you outside?” he asked, his words barely getting out through some sort of gritted-teeth smile. It looked painful, and I sighed, anticipating exactly what kind of stern warnings and reprimands I was about to get.

“What brings you to the library, Bro?” I asked, as we rounded the corner of the brick wall and took a seat on the hood of Joey’s cruiser. He hated when I did that, and his scowl got even darker when I didn’t get off.

“What’s going on with Grady?”

I rolled my eyes, his sheriff bark might work on strangers, but I’d seen him in his footed onesies and dinosaur underwear. It made me laugh more than anything else. “Since you were eavesdropping, do you really need me to repeat myself?”

“I know you and I know him. He’s avoiding my calls and you can’t look me in the eye.”

Realizing I hadn’t yet looked straight at him, I sat up and glared. “Better? Nothing is happening.”

He rocked his lower jaw back and forth, a little move he’d picked up from watching too many Matthew McConaughey movies. “I saw the news footage, too, Jill. The way he looked at you.” His chest puffed up as he shook his head. “I don’t like it. He better not tou?—”

“Stop,” I said, cutting him off. “You’re making an ass of yourself. First, nothing is happening. And second, even if it was, you don’t get a say here, Joey. I’m not a kid. Grady isn’t some asshole. Be better than this.” I blew out a breath and shoved off his car. His voice stopped me before I’d rounded the corner.

“Is he alright?”

Given his antics of late, it would have been easy to forget that Joey and Grady were close. But I heard it in his voice; he was worried.

“What do you mean?” I turned around in time to watch Joey’s head fall, his hands landing on his hips like he was working on finding the words.

“Cory said his golf swing was all fucked up the other day. And he said he’d come to the rink, but he hasn’t. Now he’s stopped replying altogether. If it’s not cause he knows I’ll break his fucking legs if he touches you, then I thought maybe he was still hurt or something.”

It was not my business to fill Joey in on what was going on with Grady. Not how hard he was working to get back into shape, or how much his mind was still broken from last spring. Grady had barely revealed to me how much he was struggling. And I saw right through my brother—the more I knew, the more I revealed how close Grady and I really were. He was an expert at getting people to incriminate themselves, and while I appreciated his concern for his friend, he wasn’t getting me to betray Grady.

“You’ll have to ask him what’s going on.” I sighed, some of the irritation fading. I went to head inside, but turned back at the last minute to say, “But don’t stop calling. He needs his friends, even if it seems like doesn’t want them.”

Joey caught my eye, and beneath the scrutiny I saw understanding leak in. Joey had parked himself on my couch the first week after Adam had left and I’d stopped wanting to eat anything. He’d silently, broodingly, stood watch to make sure Adam didn’t show his face and to see with his own eyes I wasn’t falling apart. Grady might be fairing far better than I had, but he needed support, regardless of whether he knew how to accept it.