Page 38

CHAPTER 37

JILL

“ S o, there’s a set of bathrooms back there. And access to the loading dock at the end of that hallway.”

Mr. Sornelle, the landlord for the storefront, had shown me the layout that was left from the shoe store, and we’d covered the kinds of renovations he’d be willing to make for it to be more bookshelf-friendly.

“And you’d mentioned an access point to the coffee shop?” I asked, scanning the adjoining wall, but not seeing anything.

“Yes. We had a passthrough right here,” he said, walking toward the front of the store, his arms spread wide. “It was a door and a half. It’s covered up now by this fake wall, but could easily be reopened.”

“And you think the coffee shop would be okay with that?”

His smile brightened, and it felt like he was more excited about my ideas than I was. “I already asked them when you mentioned you were interested, and they are very much on board.” He looked around at the space, a satisfied sigh huffing out of him. “I have to say, Jill, it would be a really great spot for a bookshop. There aren’t any that close, and I really think it would work. I’m not just saying that because your brother has been such a help with keeping things orderly around here at night. I mean it. Everyone loves books.”

It should have been me trying to sell him on the idea, not the other way around. But I’d come to my appointment to see the space with lead in my feet. My meeting with the bank wasn’t until tomorrow and doing this on my own after Grady said he wanted to come just felt like one more disappointment on a growing list.

“Everyone does love books,” I said, spinning around to try and picture it. I could see the corner where I’d put the kid’s books. A little tent on the floor filled with pillows and stuffies to keep them occupied. The front window was perfect for seasonal displays. And the wall that abutted the bakery would be ideal for a little mini stage, raised just enough to give everyone a view of the visiting authors I wanted to have in for signings.

“I meet with the bank this week.” I was trying to sound upbeat despite my lack of faith I’d get any further than last time.

“Well,” Mr. Sornelle replied, sounding unwaveringly chipper. “You let me know what they say. But I have a good feeling about this.”

If only his good feeling was enough.

I went home to try on outfits, hoping to find one that made me look as confident as everyone else seemed for my bank appointment, when I heard a knock at my door. As I opened it my heart exploded. “ Grady ?”

He was standing there, looking at me with hurt in his eyes and a smile on his face. The combo had me frozen in place, even when every fiber of my being wanted to rush into his arms.

“Come here,” he breathed, setting a gift bag on the ground and stepping inside with his arms open. “I’m so sorry, Jill,” he said against my hair as I burrowed into his chest.

Tears sprang up fierce and overpowering, and he stroked down my back as I let them fall. I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was crying about. Joy from seeing him? Pain from knowing he was never going to stay? Overwhelm from the library and the store? Fear of what would happen if the bank said no?

All of it. All of it poured out of me as he held me tight, whispering words of solace into my hair.

When I’d finally stopped crying, I pulled back to look him over. There were lines around his eyes and mouth like he’d been frowning too much. And a pinch to his gaze that told me his own troubles weren’t far from his mind.

“Can I come in?” he asked, letting out half a laugh as he looked around and saw he was already well inside my house.

“Of course.” I wiped at my cheeks and my nose, watching him pick up the bag he’d discarded and close the door.

“While it might be redundant at this point, I have to ask. How are you?”

Now I laughed, because my emotional state had just left a wet spot on his nice button-down shirt. “I’m great,” I said sarcastically, plopping down on the couch.

Grady sat on the other side. “It’s a load of shit. The whole thing. You worked too hard to be let go like that.”

In the weeks that had passed I’d started to come to terms with my dismissal. It felt less and less personal every day. But I appreciated how upset he was on my behalf. He’d held up his end of the bargain though. He’d helped me make that program what it was, so he’d done all he could.

“We both worked too hard. But it is what it is.” I shrugged.

My resignation seemed to distress him. “And there’s nothing that can be done?”

Just like Joey. Both of them had that look in their eye, like they were ready to storm the castle and demand to have my role reinstated. My white knights, the two of them.

“Nope.” I didn’t really want to linger on a topic that only ever left me feeling frustrated. Instead, I eyed the bag he’d set on the table. “Whatcha got there?”

I wasn’t above liking presents or surprises and Grady knew that, his lips peeling back in a much easier grin as he reached for the bag. “I had this made a while back. I was going to give it to you . . .” His voice trailed off and a shadow swept his face. “At this point you might hate it, but it’s yours, so . . .”

He set the bag in front of me and I felt the rush of anticipation. It had been a while since I’d felt giddy about anything, so I took my time pulling the handles apart. When I reached inside I felt some sort of mesh fabric, thick and sturdy, and it reminded me of something. As I tugged it out of the bag, Grady sat back with an uncertain grin on his face.

I unfolded the black fabric, catching the yellow and white stripes, and recognizing the flying gull logo on the side.

“What the—” I opened the Brawlers jersey, holding it up between us, my eyes glued to the letters stitched across the shoulders. It wasn’t Grady’s last name this time. It was mine.

“Do you hate it?” His voice came from the other side of the jersey. I dropped it into my lap, trying to hide my wobbly chin behind a smile.

“No, I don’t hate it.” I loved it. I loved it so much I held it up again, tears pricking the corner of my eyes. I didn’t want to cry, but my whole heart surged with gratitude. “It’s beautiful.”

I’d never had a jersey with my name on it. I’d never played sports, and wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about. But seeing my name in those gorgeous yellow and white letters, I’d never been prouder to be part of a team. Not the Brawlers—me and Grady. This was as close to our team uniform as I’d ever get. And it was so pretty I couldn’t help but cry.

“Thank you, Grady,” I whispered tightly, when I lowered it back down again. He was watching me with a lopsided grin, like he wasn’t really sure if I liked it or was just being polite.

“You’re not against wearing your own name, I take it?”

“No. I love it. I’ve never had anything like this.”

He nodded, as if he’d known that when he had it made. “It’s fun, isn’t it?”

“It’s pretty cool.”

He shifted on the couch, plucking at his dress pants uncomfortably. “Well, since you like that,” he started, clearing his throat like he was nervous. “I don’t suppose you’d ever want to go to work at the Boston Public Library, would you?”

My jaw fell open and I didn’t rush to close it, staring at him like he’d just taken a hard left turn onto a different planet. “What?”

His expression brightened hopefully, and my heart started to race. “We have contacts there from some previous partnerships and I asked around?—”

“You did what?” My stomach plummeted, the idea of what that would mean. Moving to the city, a library about a million times bigger than our town’s and with programs that far exceeded the sophistication level I’d ever be able to pull off. I went zero to sixty on that idea so fast I felt like I was going to hurl.

Grady was still smiling. “It would be new and different, but you’ve proven you can handle it, Jill. This summer was a success because of you. And I’d be there to help you get used to the city. You could even live?—”

“Grady, stop. What are you thinking?” I stood up, needing someplace to put the hot, unsettled energy rioting through me. “How far did you take this?”

“Not far,” he said, turning and leaning forward, his elbows digging into his knees. “I just thought . . .” He looked at the floor, a deep, rattly sigh rushing out of him. “I just hoped it would be a way.”

“A way for what?” For me to suddenly morph into someone I wasn’t? For me to walk away from everything I wanted. He knew how much I loved living up here, near my family. Joey was about to have a baby; I couldn’t just leave.

When he raised his head, he looked so sad. And I realized he’d come here to tell me this, hoping I’d embrace this idea and I’d just shit all over him and his good intentions. “I’m sorry,” I rushed, sitting on the coffee table in front of him. “I appreciate what you were trying to do. I just don’t want a job like that.”

He winced. “I get it. It wasn’t my place. I’m sorry.”

“I wish things could be different,” I whispered, the words scraping over my raw throat.

His eyes went big and round, and he took my face in his hands. “Me too.”

Grady and I had never said goodbye, but this finally felt like one. He pulled me close, his lips gentle and soft as he kissed me. It was a goodbye without words, because I knew when he walked out later, he wasn’t coming back. And so did he.