Page 83 of Restitution

As soon as Dad is introduced to that world, he’ll be gone. He was suicidal his entire life until he met my mother, and it got even worse when he was locked up with only small pockets of time with her. Now, he doesn’t have his meds, so he won’t last long in the underworld.

Or he’ll fit right in and revel in how twisted it is, who the fuck knows? Either way, I’ll have lost him.

Once my joint is done, I flick it aside and pull out a cigarette and light it. I’ve smoked so much green over the years I barely feel the calm. It’s frustrating.

Movement to my left catches my attention, and my heart stops when I see Stacey walking towards me. I take a drag of the smoke and watch her as she comes straight to me, sitting down beside meon the edge of the pool.

My throat bobs as she takes the cigarette from between my lips and puts it between hers. “My name is Stacey,” she says, smiling and making my lungs stutter. “I joined Luciella’s dance class a few months ago.”

My eyes stay on her as she takes a long inhale and blows smoke out above us. I think I might be having a heart attack. My heart hurts, it’s beating so hard.

Her green eyes twinkle beneath the moonlight, her freckles dusting her cheeks and nose, and her jawline is as impeccable as ever. I want to touch her, but I can’t. I’d hurt her. I don’t know how to be gentle.

I was the luckiest guy in the world once upon a time. She was mine, and I lost her.

In the same place we met properly when we were fifteen, I shake my head at the déjà vu.

“You should’ve taken my heads-up and stayed away from me.” I gulp, gripping the edge of the pool with both hands until my knuckles turn white. “You’d be in a much better position now if you had.”

She tilts her head, leaning back on her hand. “Falling in love with you didn’t ruin my life, Kade. Chris did. Without you, he would’ve locked me away and called me his pet forever.”

Can I resurrect a dead man and kill him all over again? Another death I barely remember. That pisses me off.

I look away. “You wouldn’t have known the world Bernadette dragged me into.”

“No, I wouldn’t have. But I still don’t regret anything.”

I pick at the paint on the pool’s edge. “You should.”

“Shut up,” she says with a tut, still puffing away on my cigarette. “Milo and Hopper are looking for you. They keep pacing around the sitting room and jumping up on the window ledges.”

“I’ll go and see them. It might be best if I put them in protection. A safe house.” I sigh. “Bernadette knows what they mean to me, and I can’t have her doing something to them.” I chew my lip and glance at her. “I doubt you’d go to a safe house if I asked you to.”

“No.”

“Yeah. Thought not.”

“How are the meds?” she asks, shifting to cross her legs and face me. “You haven’t spoken a word to me. I want to know you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” I lie.

She huffs, knowing I’m talking shit.

I change the subject before it gets awkward. “Barry’s going home. If he hasn’t spoken to you already.”

Everything goes warm, butterflies deep within as she smiles. “He deserves it. Wait until you meet Eva. I miss her so much. She’s so full of energy and life and has the most adorable smile.”

I won’t ever meet Eva. What good would that do?Oh, hey, kid. This guy here is a fuck-up and is basically dead inside. He has no idea where his soul is, and his heart is practically upside down and inside out. You see his face? Hideous. He’s killed hundreds and regrets only half of those deaths. He’s the monster that hides under your bed.

“Hey.”

Stacey pulls me out of my head, but I start blinking rapidly again. I screw my eyes shut when I struggle to stop.

“I’m here with you.”

“Y-You should get some sleep.”

“Let me help you, Kade. We don’t need to talk – just let me behere with you.”