Page 59 of Restitution

Hell, I’ve lost a lot of my muscle mass. I haven’t danced, trained or worked out in so long. I’ve been going for a short jog around the lodge, Tobias usually joining me and telling me to slow down, but that’s all.

Our lives have just kind of… stalled.

Unsure where the boundaries are for him at the moment, I lie down on my side to face him. “Is this okay?”

His chin dips in acknowledgment, but he barely blinks, still staring at the ceiling. Another person may think he’s tapping hischest, but I know it’s a spasm. Sometimes they’re not so bad, and other times, it seems he can barely move without trembling.

It’s only been two days. And all I keep thinking is that Bernadette will come for him. She’s going to torture him all over again. Archie too.

I don’t want to lose him again. I’m so fed up of losing him.

Ten minutes pass, then Kade, who’s been still as a statue, fists his hand against his chest, stopping the sudden tremor that’s affected his fingers.

Suddenly realising I’m here, he pulls the face covering up, as if trying to do it without me noticing. The black material sits at his top lip, below his nose, and stops at his chest.

I wish he didn’t feel like he needed to hide from me.

“We’re going to go back to the manor as soon as Luciella is here and it’s safe,” I tell him. “I was going to come too, since I don’t really have anywhere else to go.”

That last part stings worse than expected. I can’t go back with Kyle, so I really do have nowhere to go. Nowhere to call home.

“We could walk the dogs together.”

Fidgeting with the corner of the pillow, I settle my head on it again. I know he won’t speak to me, and that’s fine. He knows I’m here, and I always will be.

“I can streamThe Greatest Showmanon Barry’s laptop. Do you want to watch it? I can’t promise not to sing.”

My heart restarts as his head turns to the side, his eyes on me. His chin dips again, but before I can sit up to go get the laptop, he croakily says, “Stay.”

“Okay,” I reply in a soft voice, taking his hand from his chest and bringing it to my lips. I press a kiss to his knuckles, waiting tosee his reaction. “I’m not going anywhere.”

His body strains a few times, and he blinks rapidly before asking, “Why?”

I frown. “Why what?”

He wets his lips, running his hand through his hair, messing it. His words are slurred, his eyes unfocused. “I don’t know why you’re here. Is it… Is it because you f-feel bad? Am I imagining you here? Does Stacey know you’re here? Did you pay me? Have I lost you?”

“Kade. IamStacey.” I tighten my grip on his hand as the questions keep mindlessly falling from his lips. “I’m your forever, remember?”

Shaking his head, he tries to pull out of my grasp, repeatedly muttering ano. His sweaty hand slips from mine, and he quickly gets to his feet.

He backs up until he hits the wall then slides down it and stares right through me. Tobias said when this happens to just remain calm, to remind him that he isn’t alone. But when I try to talk, my voice cracks in my throat. “Kade, I… I’m here.”

He’s silent, and as I crawl off the bed and get closer to him, I see tears track down his cheeks, his face contorted in pain. “Make it stop,” he says, begs, pleads with me. “Please make it stop. Please, please, please. Do you have my gun? Can I have it? I need to kill them.”

He’s hallucinating, flinching like someone threw something at him.

I wish I could make it stop. If I could take it all away from him, all the demons and the bad memories, I would. I’d take them all to my grave and keep them buried with me, so he’d never suffer again.

We barely make it to the toilet before he vomits. I rub his back in small circles, and he warns me not to look at his face as I try to wipe his mouth. With the material a bundle on the floor, he covers his chin and neck with his arm.

“I have scars too. Look,” I say as I pull the nightdress down at the front, showing him the one Chris made with the key. “You don’t need to hide from me, because I’m the same.”

I show him my thigh, behind my ear and my scalp.

When we were together, I never had any scars. Chris was careful to keep his abuse to bruises only. I think I have about nine altogether now.

Kade shakily raises his finger and pulls down the front of my nightdress again. Any other person would see it as sexual, but I know it’s not. He isn’t looking at my naked breasts; he isn’t even paying attention to them as he runs his finger down the purple line.