Page 146 of Reasons We Break

She lets that hang in the air. Rajan’s tired of the games. “Spit out whatever you want to say and go.”

“Fine.” TJ’s nostrils flare in annoyance. “I know about the gang stuff. Her bookkeeping. The stuffyoubrought her into.”

He cringes. “I never asked her to—”

TJ steamrolls over him. “But the only reason she did any of it was because of what happened to her mom. If it wasn’t the Lions, she would’ve found some other unhealthy coping mechanism. The Lions just happened tobethere. None of that is on you. She made her own choices, so stop acting like you turned her into a bad person. You don’t have that kind of power over her, get over yourself—”

“Okay. Relax.” He holds up a hand before she can really lay into him. Even if TJ’s right...“That doesn’t change the fact that I make her life complicated. I don’t want to make her an outcast like me. I don’t want her to wake up one day and hate me for it.”

TJ laughs a little, looking down at her strappy sandals. “You didn’t see her,” she says, “when she thought you were dead.”

His heart drops. He doesn’t want to hear this. But he’s also riveted.

“I’ve never seen her like that.Ever.She was unhinged. Screaming at me. Like, she was finally losing it completely. That’s when I knew there was only one reason she hadn’t lost it before then: you.”

He can’t speak.

“Look, I won’t claim to get it,” TJ says. “But you’re special to her. I don’t think the life complications really matter.”

Unwillingly, he’s pulled back into memories. Simran at his house—the most he’d seen her smile in ages. Her rolling her eyes and throwing a book at him in the library; that playful side he can only seem to dig out when they’re alone together. And he remembers her expression when she left his hospital room—like he’d cut out her heart. Then he thinks back to a certain conversation when he was fourteen and trying to make a promise.Don’t be the reason she breaks.

He wishes he could go back and ask his mother what exactly she meant.

But he can’t. And besides, what purpose would that serve? Would it matter, what she said? When she’s clearly been wrong about other things—Kat has certainly opened his eyes to that. She waswrongto buy things they couldn’t afford andwrongto think those things would replace his parents being around; wrong to give up on Rajan when he acted out and wrong to stop defending him.

Rajan loves his mom, he willalwayslove her, and it will always be unfair that she died. But she was human too.

TJ, to her credit, keeps her trap shut while he sorts through this in his head. Finally, he says lightly, “Are you saying you approve of me with your cousin?”

“Let’s not go that far.” She scuffs the gravel with her sandals. “But lately I’ve realized it’s not my place to tell her what’s good for her. Sure, people will say you and her will end up a disaster, and that you’ll resent each other...but like, how would they know? They don’t know her. They don’t know who she’d resent.” Her voice becomes soft. “They don’t know what would make her happy.”

She’s staring at the ground. Rajan gets the strong sense she’s not just talking about her cousin. “Well, I’m not sure Simran always knows either.”

“But she should be allowed the space to figure that out herself. Are you gonna deny her that chance? After everything she’s been through?” God, TJ knows exactly how to get to him. “If I thought you’d hurt her, I’d kick you to the curb myself.”

Somehow, he finds himself smiling. “What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?”

“Where should we start?” She sniffs. “How about in seventh grade when you said I had a big Indian girl nose?”

Rajan’s grin widens. He leans forward and tweaks her nose. TJ jerks away. “Come on, dude. It’s a pretty nose, I didn’t think I had to tell you that.” She remains stiff, and he clasps his hands together apologetically. “Fine. I’m sorry. Happy now, Bhenji?”

She mock-gags. “Stick to ‘dude,’ please.”

But there’s the smallest smile on her lips. This is surreal. Itmeanssomething, that someone from Simran’s family is saying—in her own nasty way—that she approves. TJ has peered into the relationship between them, one they’re too entangled in to see clearly, and declared thereissomething good there. Something that deserves to grow.

It just can’t be the only thing going for them. While Simran’s reaction to his almost-death is sort of touching, it’s scary, too. Rajan doesn’twantto be the sole reason Simran didn’t lose it. And not because he thinks he sucks, or whatever, but because everyone deserves more than one thing keeping them going.The opposite of addiction is balance.

Luckily, Rajan has an idea on that front.

He reaches over and twists the ropes of TJ’s swing. TJ, unprepared, shrieks as she’s whipped around. By the time she rights herself, she’s glaring daggers.

“What is yourproblem?”

She shoves him off his swing. He lets her, falling backward into the gravel-laden grass. “I change my mind,” TJ announces from above, kicking pebbles onto his torso like she’s planning to bury him. “I hate you again.”

“Good.” He grins up at the sky. “Otherwise I seriously would’ve thought I was dreaming.”

SIMRAN HAD PREDICTED,upon returning from the hospital, that her mother would fully ignore her. Yet, there’s a cup of chah on the counter for her every day. An extra couple paranthé in the roti box every morning.