Page 144 of Reasons We Break

The way his face lights up makes Rajan feel like a tool. How could he ever have ignored how much Yash wanted him around? “Yeah. And I’m gonna get help with the drug thing, too.” That part’s not a lie. Kat hooked him up with an addictions counselor. Forced OD or not, that shadow on his life isn’t lifting anytime soon. He kicks his suitcase, feeling awkward. “I’m sorry for being such a shitty brother. I didn’t think when I was doing it. I never wanted to leave you behind, I hope you know that.”

“I know,” Yash replies. “You’re not a shitty brother. For that.”

“Forthat?”

“Well, there was that time you ate the last Oreo—”

Rajan throws a wad of socks at his head. Yash runs away, cackling.

It doesn’t take long to unpack. He doesn’t have a closet, so he drags in a plastic storage bin to fold his clothes into. It’s not the bedroom he had growing up, but it’s something. It’s a commitment.

He’s zipping the empty suitcase when Sukha comes by. Maybe he heard Rajan saying he was going to stay and wants to make his disappointment known. Rajan straightens. “What’s up?”

“Heard you OD’d.” Sukha leans against the doorframe.

“And?”

“Just trying to put it together. You were on your way to the airport that day. You were totally sober. And, what? You just decided to go on a four-day bender instead?”

That was the last thing Rajan expected from him. “That’s what addiction does to you, dude,” he says blandly. “It derails your life. You do things that don’t make sense.”

“So nothing else happened?”

“No.”

“Really?”

The continued skepticism needles him. “Why would I lie about that? You think I’d want anyone tobelieveI overdosed if I didn’t? Trust me, I wouldn’t.” Sukha continues to stare. Rajan feels himself getting angry—although at who, he’s not sure. He just knows hehatesthat he has to lie to his brother.Hatesthat he has to mislead the one person who suspects foul play. The one family member who, if Rajan had died that night, might not have really believed he relapsed.

But better this than cause him nightmares. “Go ahead and gloat. Call me an addict. I am one, okay?I am one.”

Sukha’s eyes flicker over him, and Rajan realizes he’s standing slightly hunched. His broken ribs are bothering him. He forces himself to straighten, although it hurts.

Surprisingly, Sukha doesn’t call him anything. He just says, “How much do you remember? About...after the OD?”

Simultaneously relieved and disappointed that he’s dropping it, Rajan answers truthfully. “Nothing.” It’s all a blur after he cracked the Aces’ ledgers. “OD’ing will do that to you. Why?”

“Just curious.” Sukha picks at a thread on his sleeve. “I decided something, while you were in the hospital. I don’t want to become you. So I’m done. All of it.”

Rajan stares, hardly daring to believe what he’s hearing. Did he finally get through his brother’s thick skull? He should’ve tried over-dosing months ago.

“I’m not doing this for you,” Sukha adds. “I’m doing this for Yash. I want to be there for him. The way you weren’t.”

“Guess I deserve that.”

“Yeah, you do. You abandoned us after Mom died,” Sukha says stiffly. “I’ll always hate you a little bit for that.”

“I know.”

“You were selfish.”

“I know.”

“You didn’t come back. Why didn’t you come back?”

Rajan’s throat becomes tight. This is starting to sound suspiciously like Sukha cares. Maybe Sukha knows it too, because he turns abruptly and leaves. Rajan thinks that’s it, and he’s lying back on his mattress when Sukha returns holding something.

His bunny. But now, the eye is sewn back on.