Page 117 of Reasons We Break

So that’s why they set him up with OxyContin dude. It wasn’t a game—they had to prove to the higher-ups that he was still loyal. Nick was trying to save his life.

“I know you don’t trust me and Zohra,” Nick adds. “We got you hooked. I get it. But you have to believe me when I say I wish I didn’t do it.”

Rajan finds his voice. “I’m not even close to the first person you recruited. Stop pretending you give a shit.”

“You’re right. I never gave a shit,” Nick replies unflinchingly. “And neither did you, today.” He nods at the gas station behind them, and Rajan glares. “That’s right. You can make me out to be the bad guy, but for you and Simran to leave, someone else has to fall in. You don’t get to walk away with your conscience intact.”

“Trust me, it already wasn’t.”

“Then you understand. Yeah, you’re right: From day one I was in this for the action. Never cared about the mess we left behind. But the guy who broughtmeinto the Lions told me, before he got gunned down, that there’d be a day I’d wish I never joined. I didn’t believe him. I loved this, you know? Never a boring day. What could I possibly regret?”

“This is a nice little storytime,” Rajan mutters. “But I don’t see your point.”

“The point is, shithead, you’re not the first person I recruited.” Nick drops his half-smoked cigarette and grinds it under his heel. “But you were the first one I liked.”

When Rajan returns home, he ignores his father, who’s staring accusingly from the couch, and goes to Yash’s room. Knocks. No answer, but he can hear the faint sounds of a video game.

“Yash, I know you’re in there.” The door is slightly ajar, so he pushes it open.

Yash is a lump under his comforter. Rajan knocks on the bedside table. “Can I come in?”

Yash lifts the corner of his comforter in response. Rajan gets under it. His feet dangle over the edge of the mattress. Yash pauses his game as Rajan props himself up on his elbows. “So—”

“I heard you talking to your probation officer,” Yash says. “I know you’re leaving.”

There goes the gentle breaking of bad news he was going to do. Rajan sighs. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Wejustgot you back.”

Rajan’s throat closes momentarily. “You and Sukha might be better off without me around. Like Dad said.”

“No, we’renot.” With a frustrated growl, Yash buries his head into his pillow. “Why do you listen to Dad at the worst possible times?”

Rajan chooses to ignore that. “I’m only leaving for a while, okay? I’ll get a job in Halifax. I’ll send you money. And lobsters.” He nudges Yash’s foot with his own. Yash doesn’t respond. “C’mon, dude. Don’t be like that. You know I love you.”

Yash lifts his head. “Don’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because that’s what Mom said.” His mouth quivers. “Before she left.”

Shit. Rajan closes his eyes to the memory. Leaving home with his mom...her kissing his younger brothers goodbye. It feels like decades ago.

“I don’t want you to die.” Yash wipes his cheek. Is hecrying?

Rajan pulls Yash close. “I’m not dying. Promise. I—”

“When will you be back?”

Rajan has no answer to that. He needs to let his name fade from the Lions’ memory, however long that takes.

Yash shakes his head. “Mom didn’t know either. I don’t want you to go. I want everyone to be okay again. I want—” He’s crying now, fully, and Rajan hugs him tight under the covers.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, me too.” Yash’s small body shakes against him, and Rajan embraces him tighter.God, he wishes they could go back. He wishes he were the kind of teenager who madenormalmistakes, not life-shattering ones. He wishes he hadn’t ruined everything.

But there’s no going back.

Blinking rapidly, he kisses Yash’s forehead. “If you need me, call. If you don’t need me, call anyway. Cuz I’m gonna call you so much it’s gonna annoy the shit out of you.” He pokes him. “And if you bring Oreos into this house, I might get on a plane just to kick your ass.”