Page 124 of Reasons We Break

“Most of us don’t get to choose when we die, sweetheart,” she said to him. “Or how. But I would’ve wanted to die with dignity if I could. Wouldn’t you?”

He nodded.

“Then keep looking at me,” his mother whispered. “Only me. Don’t be afraid, sweetheart. I’ll be here until it’s over.”

The empty gasoline can clattered to the ground at Rajan’s feet. The smell was sweet and cloying. The boy who’d refused the task was motionless on the floor, and the others bored with him.

“No, look at me,” his mother reminded him, and he did. “Don’t worry about him. He’s Sukha’s age, but he’s not Sukha. Everything’ll be okay. You left me to die alone, but I promise I won’t do that to you.”

He believed her. A lighter’s flame illuminated the dark.

And then the door opened.

“What did Itellyou?” Zach sounded furious.

Hat Stealer turned. There were the sounds of muffled arguments. Rajan’s mother smiled and came closer when the arguing became shouting. She stroked his hair, but even with the distraction, Rajan still caught snippets of conversation—he’s mine—we need him—our only lead—don’t touch him—

Some part of him puzzled over why Zach didn’t want them to hurt him. He’d thought by now he’d be missing a few fingers. At least some teeth. But, they all left. The door closed. And he’s been here with his mom ever since.

She strokes his forehead and tuts. “Rajan, you look sick. You should take better care of yourself.” She keeps finding new things to scold him about. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you now.”

“I don’t remember the last time you took care of me.”

“I didn’t realize you wanted that.” She sounds sad. “You were always pushing me away. I thought you didn’t want me around.”

“Of course I did. Of course I did,” he repeats. “Iwantedyou around and Iwantedyou to be proud of me and Iwantedyou to defend me when people criticized me in front of you.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so? You can’t have expected me to know. I was sick, and in pain. You’re not blaming me for that, are you?”

“No. Of course not.” He squeezes his eyes shut.

“Rajan, I’m so disappointed.”

“About what?” he whispers. It’s hard to keep up with her. She switches the topic like this every five seconds.

“You didn’t keep your promise,” she says.

“What promise?”

“You don’t even remember.” His mother sighs. “I asked you not to poison her.”

Her.

Rajan opens his eyes. “Mom, I was trying,” he pleads, voice cracking, but her hand falls away. His voice gets louder, more desperate, as she steps back. “I swear I was trying. That’s why I was about to leave. Mom, please believe me. Come back. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she says over his apologies, in that sad voice she used when he came home holding a bad report card, or dragged in by cops. “I know you can’t help it. It’s just who you are.”

But, she doesn’t come back to stroke his hair.

He’s on the cusp of begging her to when the door scrapes open. Bright sunlight hits the metal floor. He recoils, turning his head back to the darkness.

Zach claps his hands as he approaches. “How’s it going, buddy? You don’t look so hot.” Rajan works up some saliva, spits it at his feet. Zach grins. “God, you reek.”

“Whose fault is that?”

Zach ignores this. “I brought a friend. You might know him.” He steps aside, and Rajan squints to look at the newcomer. Snake Tattoo.

“Oh, yeah, it’s him.” Snake Tattoo grins. “Little prick.”