Page 72

Quasim

Recommendation: Listen to Live in the sky by T.I ft Jamie Foxx

I stood in front of Ellis’s tombstone and felt this tightness in my chest. He wasn’t supposed to be in the ground. He was so young and had so much life to live. I smiled when I thought about how he ran in the barbershop and told me that Blair was having car trouble.

Getting her to come into the shop by pretending to sell fake chocolate. All I had to tell him was to go, and he was always on go, ready to tear some shit up with his brothers. Me and Blaze weren’t twins, but I couldn’t imagine doing life without him.

Having to do life without my child was hard enough and made me not want to live.

If Blaze was taken from me, I didn’t know what I would do or say.

Life would never be the same if he was taken.

I understood his fear and pain when he found me with that gun to my head in my bathroom.

Being forced to live without your other half was a different type of punishment.

I could feel someone’s presence behind me as I kept my eyes on the tombstone. “Been ignoring me.”

“Nah. Been trying to survive.” Ezra stood beside me, looking at his brother’s stone. His hair was unkept and he had lost some weight. I could tell he hadn’t been keeping up with himself, and the smell of alcohol was overpowering.

I turned to see Yasin leaned on his car waiting for him. He had told me that Ezra wasn’t doing good, but didn’t want to bother me. He avoided me because he felt like he was letting me down. I don’t where the fuck he got that shit from.

He could never let me down.

“When it was my turn to step in for my father, I told him I didn’t want the title if I couldn’t bring on my own Gods.” He shoved his hands into his sweats pocket. “We’re brothers… Each God, I treat like my own blood brother. Would die and ride for them without a question.”

He nodded. “I would do the same.”

“That shit doesn’t mean you have to carry this alone. I talked to Evan, and he said that you barely check in with him.”

“Shit hard… he and Ellis look the most alike. It’s like I’m staring him in the face.”

I looked at the birthdate and the shit caused my chest to hurt. He was taken way too soon and should have been here. I shouldn’t have been standing at his grave. “I can see that.”

“Feel that pain, don’t bury it in alcohol and bad decisions, Ezra.

I hate when people tell me what someone deceased would have wanted because they don’t know.

There’s a part of me that knows this isn’t what he wants for you.

Evan already lost one brother; he doesn’t need to lose another one. Lean on your brothers… you’re a God.”

His head snapped, and he looked at me. “What?”

“I was gonna tell all three of you, but shit took a turn.”

I could see the emotions working in his face as I stood there patiently, allowing him to feel. The tears slid down his cheeks, as he stared straight ahead. “You hear that, El? Nigga was always talking about we were gonna be Gods.”

“Once a God, always a God… he up there representing for us. Put the good word in with the man upstairs.” We both chuckled.

Ezra looked over at me. “Shit hurt… I can’t do shit without feeling it. Drinking is the only thing that numbs the pain… my chest stops burning and the thoughts stop running.”

I faced him and pulled him into a hug as he cried onto my shoulder.

“That shit is going to hurt and no matter how much you drink to numb the pain, you gonna feel it. I wish I could give you some bullshit about it getting easier, but that would be a lie.It never gets easier, you just become numb. Your mental starts to process that they aren’t here, and the burning feeling fades away.

It never goes away completely, the smallest scent or memory triggers it. ”

“How the fuck did you do it, King?” he sniffled.

“I pushed everyone away when my emotions became too heavy, my thoughts too tough. Blaze was there, even when I pushed him away. I wanted to hurt alone, shut down and became a shell of who I used to be. Life slipped by me and I allowed it because I punished myself… none of that advice is anything I want you to follow.”

He pulled himself together and stepped back. “I’m not as strong… I pushed Kaia away, told her that she didn’t know shit… fuck.”

I decided to leave the topic of Kiki’s niece and him having something going on alone for now. It wasn’t against the rules since Kaia was much like him, in wanting to be a goddess like her aunt.

“That’s a thing?” Actually, I couldn’t ignore the shit.

He chuckled and wiped his face with his shirt. “Not really… we good friends but can never get the shit right.”

“Shit typically happens that way. Can never get it right until you get it just right. Kiki knows?”

He looked back at Yasin. “Nah.”

I laughed and cupped the back of his neck. “She gonna fuck you up, Ezra.”

I watched as he laughed and pulled out a half pint of Hennessy and opened the cap, pouring the rest out on the grass. He needed this talk more than anything, but I was wise enough to know that he wouldn’t stop drinking.

It took me a while to sit the bottle down during my grief. Had I not, I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy a drink every now and again now. Ezra had to be ready to put the bottle down and deal with his emotions head on.

That shit wasn’t for the weak, and it would break even the strongest man. Grief and fear had me on my bathroom floor ready to end it all, and I considered myself strong.

Grief wasn’t a straight path; the journey was twisted, and you never felt the same way. It was a one-way path through darkness that you eventually started to adapt to.

“Get your mind right and I got something that’ll help the ease the pain.” I squeezed his shoulder as we walked back to Yasin, and I thought about Kew.

Recommendation: Listen to Family reunion by The O’Jays

This beach had housed so many memories for me and Anjo.

We both went from sitting here broken, not knowing what to do or how to come back from it, to getting married on the same beach.

I watched my wife walk down to me on this very beach and performed a stupid song for her.

I watched her become frustrated with me and chase me on the beach when I was drunk.

We sat on this beach and poured our hearts out to each other and promised forever.

I witnessed the remarkable shit that her body could do on this beach. Seeing her stomach grow, her thighs fill out, and her nose expand. She smiled on this beach, touching a stomach she never thought she would have.

She forgave me on this beach. Set her boundaries and told me what she required on this beach. As I sat on the beach couches and watched Elijah and Peach argue over who was gonna rub Blaze’s feet for twenty dollars, I couldn’t help but become choked up.

“Give me my God baby… you hogging her.” Zoya ran over and gently took her from me and sat next to me on the couch.

“Where you was at last night when she was screaming?”

“God Mommy gotta sleep, too.” She laughed as she gently patted her butt.

I looked over at her, as she smiled down at Zayah. “You good?”

She smiled. “No… and I’m getting to a place of admitting that.”

I nodded my head. “We’re all here for you, Zoy… especially that nigga there.”

Goon had a phone in his hand and held it up and Zoya cursed under her breath. “Why does he have my phone?”

“Baby cakes, your shit been blowing up in our room.”

She rolled her neck. “It’s my room… you just won’t leave.”

He smirked. “Baby, it’s strict over here… you got forty-eight hours to go ahead and get rid of all those contacts.”

“What? I’m dating… finally getting back out there. Capri encouraged me.”

“Fuck you meannnnn! Lady Inferno, this what we on?”

Capri had the twins a few weeks ago and was back up on her feet. The end of her pregnancy, she had been forced to sit down, so the minute she could get up, her ass never sat down. Haze and Blaze Inferno were fucking beautiful.

They both came out with healthy weights, and didn’t have to stay in the hospital longer than a week. Witnessing my brother become a father for the third time brought tears to my eyes. Watching how in love he was with his wife each time she gave birth made sense.

Watching Anjo give birth did something to me. I always knew she was strong, but witnessing her strength as she had our baby confirmed what I knew all along. She was amazing in every way, and she was an angel on earth.

“Alright, come on… you guys need to eat and get ready for bed.” Augusta Mae hollered while Gams waited at the backdoor with the towel to shake the sand from them.

“Why we always gotta go to bed at night?” Peach frowned, tossing herself across me and I kissed her head.

“Guess what?”

“What?” she continued to sulk.

“I got you a dirt bike.” She gasped so loud I thought she sucked her teeth back as she looked at me.

“Uncle Simmy, no? You are telling stories!”

I laughed. “You have one at Gam’s house in the garage. Every Inferno needs to know how to ride, no?”

She kissed me on the cheek and hugged my neck. “Thank you, Uncle Simmy! So much! So much!”

She was no longer sulking as she skipped into the house, excited that she got a dirt bike. I laughed as Augusta Mae came and got Zayah, so we could all chill. We had been with the kids all day.

In the distance, I saw Cappadonna, Capone, Alaia and Erin walking from their side of the beach over to ours.

We already had the speaker set up, drinks, and food on the table in the backyard.

Capella came running with Aimee on his back, while Rory laughed hysterically, running behind them, trying to pull his mother down.

Promise had her little hijab on to match her mother, and CeeCee was running with Cooper. Gams and Augusta were waiting for them at the back of the house. “Come on so we can wash up and eat.” They clapped, and the kids ran in their direction.

“Where the twins?”

“Cranky as ever… mommy and pops said they would watch them. They are having date night on the beach.”