Page 28

Quasim

Recommendation: Listen To Everywhere I am by Jaheim

I looked at my kitchen, and then down at my body.

I wore my robe that Cherie got me for my first father’s day.

The TV could be heard in the living room, and the faint smell of home cooked food lingered in the air.

The lid on the pot was rattling, and I lifted it to see stew beef simmering in the pot.

The feeling I felt in my chest was overwhelming. It made me feel warm.

Like home.

The house didn’t feel deserted and cold like it had after I lost Cherie, then Harley.

It had come alive again, with bright white lights shining through the windows.

The gray cloud of gloom had disappeared and had been replaced with hope.

I could hear the sound of laughter coming from the bedroom and confusion washed over me.

Fear crippled my legs as I remained in place, scared to move from where I stood. The throw blanket that Harley used was tossed onto the floor in front of the television while her favorite Barbie cartoon played.

With one foot in front of the other, I slowly walked down the hall where the laughter became louder.

My mind swirled, and I felt like for a brief second, I was losing my mind.

My chest tightened as I stood in front of my daughter’s room.

The voice in my head told me to turn the knob, but I remained still, arms at my side.

Slowly, I turned the knob and pushed the door opened.

The door had that familiar creak, the one I always told myself I would fix. After Harley left me, it didn’t seem necessary to fix. The creak almost served as a reminder that there used to be life beyond that door.

When I finally pulled my eyes up from the pink carpet, Cherie was tickling Harley. Both stopped when they noticed me and held smiles on their faces.

Her hair.

Harley’s curls fell onto her shoulders, big and vibrant as I remembered before chemo had taken it from her. One side was held back with a butterfly barrette; she looked beautiful, sitting next to her mother.

My chest burned as I looked at my little girl.

The one I had yearned to see since the minute she left me behind; the voice I still heard when I closed my eyes.

I could even smell the Dreft laundry detergent that I refused to stop using, no matter how much older she became.

Switching her detergent would only admit what I wasn’t ready to face.

She was growing up.

“Daddy!” She squeaked and took off running across the room toward me. Her hair bounced, as the white light shined into her bedroom, giving her golden skin a glow. A glow that chemo had robbed her of when she was living on earth.

Her body crashed into mine as I slowly kneeled down and hugged her tightly. I prayed I didn’t hurt her, but this hug was needed. It was all I had dreamed about since losing her. I didn’t want to let go of her.

“Har.” I choked as she pulled back, swiping away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling down my face. Her little dimple deepened while she stared right into my eyes.

“Daddy…I can feel your happiness,” she whispered, kissing me on the cheek, while squeezing me as tightly as she could.

The hospital band remained on her arm. It was the same band that was on her when she passed. I refused to remove it from her body when I buried her. Everything had been taken from me, and I couldn’t hold that cut band in my hand.

The band would serve as the reminder that I didn’t want to remember she was gone. That she would never come back, and I would never see her again. Everything fucking reminded me of my daughter when she left me.

My tears continued to fall down my face. “I could never fully be happy without you, baby.”

She squeezed me a bit tighter. “You want to believe that, but you are. Anjo and my sister make sure of that, Daddy.”

I pulled back and looked at her. “Anjo?”

She smiled. “She’s so kind and beautiful, Daddy. And she loves you very much.”

“I love her too, Har… Damn, I miss you so much, baby.”

Harley kissed my cheek. “I want you to stay with me and mommy… you can if you want, you know.”

As I stared into my daughter’s eyes, something I had been desperate to do since she passed, my soul wanted to stay with her forever, but my heart knew that I couldn’t stay here.

“Harley, I wish I could stay with you. Baby, I have to go back for Anjo… I made a promise to her, and I can’t break that promise. My baby needs me… you understand that, right?” I slowly looked into her brown eyes, and she nodded her head.

A slow grin widened on her face. “Good answer, Silly Goose Butt.”

When she was alive, she would call me silly names, and my heart smiled hearing the innocence that I watched disappear when she became sicker, return. “You were testing me, huh?”

“Anjo and Elijah need you more than me, Daddy. I’m going to be alright; I have mommy.

When it’s your time to be with me, you will be.

It’s not that time now, and I need you to go back so you can welcome my sister when she comes.

I sent her perfect for you.” she smiled, and her small hand wiped my tears.

“You won’t hesitate when it comes to naming her…

I placed it right there.” She patted my chest.

When Anjo told me that Harley sent the baby, I never doubted her. It all made sense in this moment, as I held my daughter in my arms, and she told me about her sister. “You always said you wanted a baby sister.”

“Now I have one. I will watch over her, and you too. Daddy, never doubt that I’m not there because I’m always here.

” She placed her hand into mine and lifted it to her heart.

“Whenever you pray, I hear your voice and I’m right there beside you.

I’m never going anywhere. The happier you become, the less you need me around…

I’m not in pain anymore. Keep being happy and don’t feel bad, okay? ”

My shoulders shook as I sobbed. “Har.”

She held her hand up. “Promise me that you will continue to be happy. Protect Anjo, Elijah and my sister. Promise me that you will be strong for them and let them be strong for you, too. Nobody can be strong like you, Daddy, but let them try… okay?”

“You think so?”

The timer on the stove sounded and she smiled. “Food is done, Mommy. Love you forever with my whole heart Stinky Moo-Moo Pants… forever and ever, right?”

“And even after that Har Boo-Boo money butt.”

She paused and smiled. “Not bad… oh, and Daddy?”

“Yes, baby?”

“Get Ryder a dirt bike, please. I hear her prayers, too… protect Auntie Capri. Uncle Meer loves her so so so much… He’ll always have double the blessings.” She blew me a kiss and ran out the room, and a bright light flashed, nearly blinding me.

“Sim,” I heard Cherie’s soft voice as I stood up, turning to face her.

She came over toward me and we embraced. “She’s right, you know.”

“Yeah.”

“Stop punishing yourself about me. This was on me, not you, Quasim.” She wiped her own tears. “You have done everything to protect me, and I should have listened to you. The only positive in this, is that I was waiting for Harley when she made it up here, huh?”

“Why the fuck you didn’t listen, Cherie?” My voice was hoarse as I stared at her in the flesh. Still perfect as she had always been.

I kept my distance because I was a married man. Anjo would kill her ass again if she knew I was up here hugging my baby mother.

Because that was what she was.

Anjo was my wife. My future, and everything I had silently prayed for, but feared at the same time.

She gave me the same crooked smile that our daughter had given me moments before.

“You know I’ve always been hardheaded… always doing what I wanted.

This time, my hard head got me in something that I couldn’t get out of.

Quasim, live your life and accept all the blessings being sent your way.

I promise, I don’t blame you. I will always love you…

I want you to always know that.” She came closer, stood on her toes and kissed my cheek.

I didn’t need Anjo popping up here and calling Cherie Chex mix or some wild shit. She sauntered over toward the door that Harley had gone through, and then turned around. “Sim, I need you to know it wasn’t Rich.”

“What you mean, Cherie?”

She heard that same oven timer and looked at me.

“It’s time for you to head back, King Inferno.

I know you’re going to give ‘em hell. Baby girl is safe with us until she’s ready.

She’s beautiful, Sim. Mina’s curly hair has won again…

time for you to wake up, Sim,” she whispered, stepping out the room as another powerful flash nearly blinded me.

I slowly walked over toward the door and touched the knob and slowly turned it. That powerful light blinded me while I fought my way through it.

The sounds of machines beeping became louder the more I walked through the lights.

My eyes opened.