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Blair

Recommendation: Listen to When Will I See You Smile Again? By Bell Biv DeVoe

“Where the fuck you been, Blair? I called you, and you ain’t answer the fucking phone… how many times do I have to tell you to answer when I call?”

I looked over at Tyshawn and shook my head.

Tonight was one of those nights that was beautiful, and something that I would cherish for a long time.

I reconnected with Capri Delgato, someone I had missed.

She had always been the brightness my dull life needed, and walking into Alaia’s house, and seeing her there was like a time machine had spit me out and shoved me back into her arms.

It was funny because I was going to bail on Alaia and not spend the weekend at her lake home. I was nauseous, and I hated to be around people when I felt sick after chemo. Everyone always felt bad for me, and I hated that.

Since my mother had passed away, I had been the child everyone felt bad for.

Everyone felt bad for me, but no one felt bad enough to take me in.

The only person with a heart and balls of steel was Augusta Mae.

I often wished I would have been sent to her home earlier, so that I never had to go through all the pain of not feeling good enough.

Me and Tyshawn had been broken up for a good while, and although I continued to allow him around, a character flaw on my end, I hated whenever he just showed up to my apartment.

He shouldn’t have had a key, but this man had my mind so fucked up that I would give him my hair out my scalp if that meant that I didn’t have to argue or be abused.

He had broken my spirit, so he knew he could get whatever out of me without many words. I didn’t have the fight to continue anymore. Being diagnosed with cancer didn’t help with that. The only joy I had was when I saw all those expecting mothers come into my studio, and they were ready for class.

My life had been on autopilot since losing my son.

Nothing amused me, and I didn’t have the will to fight anymore.

It was a challenge getting up every morning to continue living life without him.

It was even harder knowing that the man that was responsible for his death still came around.

After he told me that he hated me and could find another bitch, I thought he was done.

When I moved back to New York, I thought that would be the end of things for us. The studio rent was covered because of his guilt, nothing more. Tyshawn knew the shit he did, and he often got high to take away the guilt and that feeling in the middle of his chest that told him he was wrong.

After I showed up back to our apartment after losing our son, I told him that I lost the baby. He shook it off like it was nothing to him but came home later that night higher than I had ever seen him. As much as I hated him, he was in pain, too.

“I spent the weekend with my friend.” I kept it short, not giving up any more information than he needed.

Alaia had welcomed me into her home and introduced me to her family. I wasn’t going to speak about anything, because it wasn’t his business. “What friend you fucking got?”

He continued to stand in the doorway, and I used the makeup wipe to remove the rest of the makeup the shower didn’t remove.

“She’s one of my clients that used to attend the studio.

We hadn’t seen each other in a while, and she wanted to make a girl’s night because of everything I’ve been going through with the cancer. ”

“Fuck all that cancer talk… always pulling that out when you guilty.”

I snorted in disbelief. “I’m not pulling the sick card; I am actually sick. I know you don’t give a fuck, but this is my life, and I have to deal with this. My friend wanted to do something nice, and I’m glad she did.”

“What’s her name and address then?”

I wasn’t giving him her name or address because Alaia had gone through enough. As much as I knew the punishment for not giving him the information he wanted would be brutal, I didn’t care.

Aside from Augusta Mae, nobody had ever protected me. “Kimmy, and she lives in Long Island.”

My eyes blurred when I felt the stinging in the back of my head. “Bitch, do I look stupid… you don’t know any bitch name Kimmy and you damn sure wasn’t out in Long Island.”

“I…I did… I ran into Capri, and we ended up chatting for hours. It’s the reason I got here so late,” I continued, knowing that the drive back was what took so long.

His hand loosened and he laughed. “That bitch.”

Tyshawn hated Capri, and I think it was because he couldn’t have her. It was easy for him to have Brandi, but to have Capri was like someone winning the lottery. It took that special person, luck, and all the winning warriors on your side.

Tookie had none of that. “What has she ever done to you?”

“That bitch always was fly out the mouth, acting like her shit didn’t stink.” He was thinking about it, and I could tell that it was pissing him off all over again.

“I’m glad she entered back in my lif ? —”

The words never got to come out my mouth because he snatched me up and pulled me back toward the shower. Turning the shower on, he grabbed the nozzle that was hooked up to the main showerhead, and ran it over my face, as he held me backwards, waterboarding me.

It was hard to catch my breath because the pressure was so high. “Where the fuck were you?”

“Arghhh, with…arguhh… my friend!” I screamed, wishing somebody wouldn’t mind their business and come kick the door in.

He held it back over my face as my arms flailed, and I tried to get away. Pulling it back, he kissed my lips and then held it back over my face. “I love you, Blair, but I will kill you… no shame. I want you, and if you won’t take me back, then no fucking body else will have you.”

My consciousness kept coming in and out, as all I saw was water in my vision and darkness.

“What the… Blair,” I heard Alaia’s voice as I hyperventilated while standing near the shower.

Ever since that day, I never showered with the shower water running over me.

I would step in, stand all the way to the back and extend my hand, and wash up in the back of the shower.

Each time I needed to rinse, I would quickly jump underneath with my neck extended all the way back, while my heart sped up.

While in Bali, I was nervous about how I would shower sharing a room with Quasim.

He would see my weird antics from trauma and really run away from me.

Each time he left the room, I used it as my time to quickly shower, without him seeing me.

In Bali, I had to talk myself down because it was a rain shower head that came from the ceiling.

Imagine my surprise when I stayed at the lake house with him, and it had the same showerhead. It was something hard to explain to him, without looking stupid. I knew it wasn’t stupid, but I felt stupid being scared of the shower.

Each time the shower ran, the thoughts always flooded my brain like a virus I couldn’t get rid of.

“Breathe, babe… take a deep breath in… and let it out,” Alaia coached me like I had coached her many classes.

She rubbed my back as I stood by the shower completely naked. The showers at the private hospital had a rain forest shower head, and I thanked God when I saw the handle you could use if you wanted it handheld.

While grabbing my body scrub, it fell onto the switch that turned on the other showerhead and my entire body from head to toe was drenched. I quickly jumped out and tried to recover, but I found myself holding onto the railing, having a panic attack while naked.

Alaia pulled a towel over my shoulders as we both slid down onto the floor in the bathroom. Pulling me into her, she rocked as I cried in her arms, tired of this. Tired of hiding it like it was some secret that I had done to myself.

I sobbed as Alaia took my hands and kissed them while staring into my eyes. “I cannot imagine what you’re going through, but let me in. I want to be there for you.”

I hugged her so tightly as she rubbed my back. As I sobbed, I told her everything that Tyshawn had done to me. Her body stiffened, however, her hand never stopped rubbing my back and consoling me.

She pulled me back and stared into my eyes. “Does Quasim know?”

I nodded my head yes. “He knows. I think I fucked him up… he always asks me if he’s too rough with me. When I shower, he stays near.”

Alaia hugged me tightly. “I’m sorry, Blair…

his day is coming, and I know you’ll be the one to do it.

There is nothing like having that power in your hands.

Having them stare at you in fear.” I could tell Alaia was disassociating while thinking of her own trauma she had with her brother and shitty ex-husband, if she could even call him that.

“Yeah.”

She fixed the towel that was sliding down my shoulders. “We don’t want to stress my baby girl out… so how about we wash up at the sink like good ol hoes?”

“Alaia! And why do you keep saying it’s a girl?” I snorted, and a smile emerged.

She pointed. “I see a smile. With Quasim, you always keep one on your face. Reminds me so much of my Roy. That man saved me and still makes room for me to come into my own as a woman. I’ve learned so much about myself because of him, and I know it’s the same with Sim.

He will wake up, and you will have the life that you deserve with him.

You both waited so long, it’s time for you to get the happiness that’s owed to you. ”

More tears fell down my face. “Thank you, Joy.”

She smiled. “Anytime… we’re family.”

“Family.” We both hugged one another, and she sat by the sink as I washed up, never leaving my side.

Witnessing him with all those tubes coming from his body was a bitter pill to swallow. He was my strength when I needed it, and now it was time for me to be his strength. Standing on my toes, I kissed his forehead a few times.