Page 56

Quasim

Recommendation: Listen to I Tried ft Bones Thugs -N- Harmony

I fucked up.

Couldn’t even be mad that she left me and put her rings on the counter. I pushed her to it, and I couldn’t sit and place blame on anybody but me. My mental hadn’t been the best since I woke up. Since being in the hospital, I covered a lot of what I was feeling up because I didn’t know how to feel.

My mental was numb while my body was in pain and that shit was a terrible combination. When we came to Ashbourne, I was excited to have some stability for Elijah and Blair. She would get to relax while doing her carpool mom thing that she had come to love.

Having my family with me and safe should have been enough. It should have been enough for me to let my wife into my inner thoughts. A nigga felt insecure, and that wasn’t something I was used to.

I was back walking around, but every now and again, my ass lost my balance. Ramos had me on an inhaler. Every morning, I had to take medicine and that wasn’t shit that I was used to. Getting in the gym humbled the fuck out of me.

All I wanted was me back. I wanted the nigga that didn’t get dizzy when he stood up too fast, or winded walking up the steps. My wife shouldn’t have had to hold onto me whenever my balance decided to say fuck me and make me unbalanced.

Then sex.

I wanted Anjo more than anything, and that night, something didn’t connect. My head was telling me that I was going to handle her, but my dick refused to get hard. I felt like I failed her, and left her hanging, and I’ve done that to her before.

She never made me feel less than, either.

I was ashamed, and the shit caused me to shut down. If that wasn’t enough, I got word that Polo was in Miami, doing it big. He was heavy on the race scene down there, and his name was making waves.

The nigga was moving like he shouldn’t have been scared. Like he defeated us and got to do whatever he wanted without any consequences. Hearing niggas mumbling about him killing King Inferno made my blood boil.

The nigga had done too much, and he was still walking around. It was my decision for everyone to fall back, still, it didn’t make it easier. All it did was make me feel like a failure because that nigga had one up on me.

All of that played a part in shit, and I can admit I ain’t been the best to be around. I wasn’t the best husband or father, and I felt like shit because of it.

It was easier to believe my wife would stick around through sickness and health, and she had.

Blair showed up in ways I didn’t even know I needed.

That didn’t mean she signed up to be ignored.

She didn’t vow to feel unseen in a marriage that was supposed to be her safe space.

I couldn’t front, I hadn’t been that for her lately.

I didn’t want her to suffer.

Somewhere between healing and holding on, I forgot about her, and I fucked up. Nobody handed you a handbook when you got married, giving you the rules on how things were supposed to work.

The problems you wrestled with before saying I do didn’t disappear. They were just louder once the vows were made. I thought I was better. Thought I was healing, but marriage had a way of revealing what you thought you buried.

I had been blessed with so much and I was still carrying pieces of a bruised, unfinished Quasim. Still holding onto pain that I should have let go.

Pyro rubbed against me as I put out my spliff and went back into the house. I put her new and improved food that Anjo put her on, down and she wasted no time digging in. Menace had offered us his shore house and I turned it down.

I appreciated his help, but I was a man and the man of my household. If I couldn’t provide shelter for my wife and son, then what good was I? I found a spot on the beach not too far from his big ass shore house.

Elijah was in private school and life should have been good for us. Except, we found ourselves in this weird spot in our marriage, and I wanted to fix that shit.

“Yeah, you need fucking therapy because you can’t be this damn stupid.” I heard the door chime at the same time as my brother’s voice.

I remained at the counter and waited for him to round the corner. Soon as he rounded the corner, he had a plaid shopping bag in his hand. “Blaze, I’m not in the mood…. I’m tired.”

The usual three hours of sleep that I got at night was reduced to none. With Blair and Elijah gone, I couldn’t rest my eyes. She was at Augusta Mae’s cottage and already told me she wasn’t coming home.

“Imagine how tired we are,” he looked off, as if he was looking at an imaginary camera, then turned back to me. “Why the fuck did your wife leave you and move out? Let me rephrase that… your pregnant wife.”

Blaze sat the bag down, and I went through it, knowing Gams sent us some food. “She left.”

“You know I was shot too, right?”

Something inside of me broke. “You didn’t fucking code twice!”

Even with me raising my voice, Blaze looked at me. “This what we doing? Comparing war stories now? Your shit is more important because you was being dramatic and decided to die twice?”

I snickered and shook my head. “Not comparing.”

“Do you want to lose her? Fuck anything else I prepared to say… do you want to fucking lose Blair?”

I looked over at him. “You know that I don’t.”

“Then get the fuck out of your head. You gonna ruin a good thing because you can’t put your pride to the side and let your woman in…

cry to her. I fucking cried in my wife’s lap when we thought you weren’t going to make it.

Shedding tears with your wife doesn’t make you less of a man.

I know Pops wasn’t the most shed tears type of nigga, but at some point, we have to evolve…

we have to show our kids different. The shit is hard letting somebody in after shutting people out, but you gonna lose your wife, Stupid. ”

I raised my eyebrow as I unraveled a cookie that Gam sent, and he snatched it from me. “The fuck is with you?”

“That is my cookie… didn’t eat it because I had to drive up here to tell a grown man to stop being stupid.”

I snatched the freshly rolled spliff from behind his ear and tucked it behind mine. “She looks at me like I’m gonna fucking break… not like she used to. I’m the weak nigga, the one that can’t get it up to fuck her or stand up too fast without being dizzy.”

“You wanna know the one time you let you guard down and showed me you were struggling?”

“When?”

“When you put that gun to your head… that wasn’t just pain, you were under pressure.

You’ve spent so much time being the fixer and holding it down, and I honestly blame Pops for that.

I used to be so jealous of the position you were in, one I wanted to be in.

I didn’t know the amount of pressure and weight you carried on your shoulders. ”

He sat on the stool, and looked over at me.

“You’ve been carrying so much for so long, none of us ever got to see you down. Never saw you break, because even when you hurt, you give yourself a few seconds, then throw that shield back up, and keep it moving like nothing bothers you.”

“Blaze.” I tried to push this conversation away.

“We’re gonna handle him, for what he did and what he took… that’s a given. This? This is the first time you’ve had to depend on someone. The first time you had to be saved.”

He allowed the silence to consume the space, as the words landed.

“Being real, you don’t like that the dynamic changed. That for once, you’re not the protector… she’s yours now, and that shit scares you.”

I couldn’t argue with him because he wasn’t wrong. Blair looked to me to save her, to be her safe space and things had turned. She was my protector and safe space, and I couldn’t accept that.

Tears fell down my cheeks as I intensely stared at my brother. “Why the fuck do I ruin shit that is good for me?”

“Get the fuck out your head… Rome wasn’t built in a day, Pop. You got back on your bike like it’s nothing… Nigga, we not expecting you to run a marathon.” He sighed. “Shit, it took me longer to get back on mine.”

There another person went with that Rome shit, and now it was on my list of places I never wanted to see, because I didn’t give a fuck.

“Don’t have to ruin this… marriages go through some shit… have you met our fucking parents?”

I laughed. “Appreciate it, Blaze.”

He held his hand out and pulled me into a hug. “Not about to make you ruin the best thing in your life… me and B locked in.”

“Think you like her better than me.”

“And do!” We both started laughing as I mushed him. “Nah forreal, I witnessed where she used to be, and she deserves the best in life. Like my Sug, told myself I wasn’t going to approach her until I knew I could give her everything.”

I snatched the cookie and took a bite while sending a text to my wife.

Me: Miss you, Anjo.

I kept calm when I saw she read the message. Blaze was going on about something, and ten minutes had passed, and she still hadn’t replied to my message.

She always replied quickly.

The floating bubbles finally appeared and disappeared, with no response. I couldn’t tell you what Blaze was talking about because I tuned out when he said that he and Cappadonna were going to make somebody a cake.

The message remained read and she never replied.

Heard you, my love.

“It takes a lot to build all that muscle back and you have accomplished that… more oats?” Augusta Mae spoke, as she loaded more oats on my plate.

Elijah called me every night and told me what was going on. Although they were only a quick walk over, I wanted to give her space. I didn’t want her to feel like shit was forced because she left.

Augusta Mae had asked him while we were on the phone what he wanted for breakfast, and I figured that was the best time to pop up on Mrs. Left me on read. She had a doctor’s appointment, and I would be damned if I didn’t show up.