Page 25

Blair

Recommendation: Listen to Grand Piano by Nicki Minaj

Imagine giving birth to a baby that never took its first breath.

Having to hold that baby and pretend you were nourishing that baby with your milk.

The pain didn’t end once they carefully took the baby away from you, wrapping it in a receiving blanket while you sobbed so hard that the tears refused to fall.

They refused to fall because you had used every bit of water in your body. Cried for the life that you had to send back home. The one that you promised God you would protect and then failed. The pain didn’t end once that baby was gone.

Pain was having to walk back into your doctor’s office within the same week for a checkup to make sure everything was going well with your body. I didn’t get to push a pretty stroller in while waddling in soreness from giving life to the angel I pushed out.

There was no husband there to take over with the baby while I climbed up on the examination table and the doctor asked me lighthearted questions about sleeping and breast feeding.

The reality was that I walked into this office with a black hoodie on, and oversized sweats that I had taken from the closet that were dirty.

They smelled like liquor and outside because that was the stench that Tookie wore proudly. It was the scent soundtrack of his life. I didn’t care that I smelled like malt liquor and depression. I honestly didn’t care to come to this appointment; however, the desk receptionist told me to come in.

Pleaded with me to come in, stating they needed to see me.

I think they were more worried that I would kill myself, which was an option. It was the option I had when I climbed into bed after being discharged. Staring at the antibiotics and pain medicine I had been given from being tossed down the steps.

Opening those pill bottles and mixing them up before swallowing them down with a ginger ale would have been easier than this. Easier than living life and pretending that things would be the same. Everyone asked how I was doing with this look of pity on their faces.

Feeling so sad for me but wanting to know how I was holding up. How could I sleep with a broken heart? You couldn’t sleep, you just laid in bed while focusing on one small detail. Mine was the hole in the wall from when Tookie tossed my head through it.

The cracks perfectly showcased the size of my head. Staring at the hole, I realized I identified with this hole more than anyone or anything in this life. I’ve always had a hole in my heart, never fixing it. Allowing it to just exist, like the hole beside the bed we shared.

As I climbed down from the examination table, took the pamphlets that were offered and promised to call the number, I knew I wouldn’t be back. I couldn’t come back to this office because it was filled with such bad memories. Memories of me continuing to be with a man that I knew wasn’t good.

Every visit, I was alone, making excuses about his non-busy schedule. Pretending to call him while the doctor jotted down notes because she had seen all the signs of a battered woman before.

Everyone knew.

I played the game, pretending that I was holding a secret as large as the north star. When in reality, I was only fooling myself. In a way, you became attached to your abuser. Knowing that you needed them and couldn’t leave. Tyshawn did something that he could never fix, and I allowed him.

I stayed because I needed him.

There were no friends, family, or anyone I could turn to that wouldn’t fix their mouth to remind me that they warned me. He had my mind so fucked that I believed he was the only one that loved me and only wanted the best for me.

As I climbed the steps to our apartment, I could hear the music blaring and smell the weed before I hit the landing. The door was unlocked, and the thick cloud of smoke slapped me in the face as I numbly walked further into the apartment.

Kicking off the sneakers that were three sizes too big, I shook off the bomber coat that I had been given for Christmas. The usuals, as I liked to call them, were in the living room watching old music videos on YouTube. Front and center as always, Tookie was sitting on the edge of the couch.

I didn’t bother to greet him.

He allowed it because he knew he had royally fucked up, and knew there wasn’t enough sorry in the world to fix what he had done. Although, I guess I forgave him the minute I returned back to this apartment. He didn’t need to make things right because I was right where he wanted me.

I stepped out the overly big pants and removed my hair from the ponytail, climbing into the bed, positioning myself to look at the hole in the wall. It was sick how something so traumatic could bring me such comfort. I remember when he slammed my head into that wall.

Blood poured from my head, and I screamed out in agony because I was in so much pain. As I pulled the linty discount store comforter over my body, my eyes focused on the hole until they were heavy.

The bed creaked and my eyes slowly opened, focusing on the hole in the dark. The sun had gone down, and another day had either come to an end, or it was about to come to an end. Callous hands touched my body, and I shoved them away.

“Come on, Blair… I wanna feel you. Miss fucking you,” he said slowly.

His slow words meant he had dipped out and got high. I could smell the outside on him, as it filled this room. I felt his hands on my body and slowly turned me over. There was no fight in me to stop him and tell him that this wasn’t what I wanted.

The pain I felt in my heart from losing my baby was much stronger than the fear of being punched in the head. As he placed soft wet kisses on my face while telling me how much I meant to him, he entered me and I closed my eyes, tears falling down my face into my ears.

“Mrs. Inferno, do you need any tissues?” The doctor’s voice brought me back to where I was.

Sitting on an examination table on the other side of the house. This was something I didn’t want to do alone. It reminded me of a time when I sat on a table similar to this one and pretended that my child’s father worked too much.

This wasn’t the case, and as much as I tried to remind myself not to feel that way, the emotions bombarded me. The flashbacks I had tucked away and tried to forget consumed me. The questions she asked were easy to answer. I could easily tell her when my last period was without a second thought.

“I’m sorry,” I sniffled as she handed me a bunch of tissues and I dabbed my eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling.

I was alone in this room, and the memories were stronger than the smell of ammonia. The flashbacks so vivid that I could smell that familiar outside smell that I had come to hate. Dr. Devoe stood by the sonogram machine and gave me a moment.

She wasn’t pushy and gave me the silence I needed to get my thoughts together. Taking deep short breaths, I looked around at anything to focus on. I hadn’t thought or saw that hole in the wall in years. Suddenly, I needed to see it, and I had to focus on it.

It was crazy how your mind worked. Things you hadn’t thought about in years came back to you as if it happened yesterday. The tap on the door broke our silence, and she quickly opened the door.

“Hassan called me and told me that you had your appointment today. He’s at work and cannot leave, so he told me.” Syn walked into the room with Kobe behind her.

“Hey B… mind if I come sit in with you guys?” He asked, which warmed my heart.

I smiled as more tears fell down and Syn embraced me. “Breathe and relax. Whatever that is going through your head isn’t happening right now.”

“I… I know. It’s hard to put it in the back of my mind like I usually do.”

Kobe took a seat. “Babe, it’s not meant for you to put in the back of your mind. If anybody knows, it’s me. We can pretend things never happened all we want, but spilling your cereal will have you in the fetal position, reliving trauma you thought you unpacked.”

“Amen.” Dr. Devoe answered.

I looked over at the doctor. “Can you take notes for Hassan’s sake. I don’t want to know anything right now. I don’t want to do this… I can’t do this alone, please.” I felt Syn’s arm wrap around me tighter.

Dr. Devoe walked over toward me and took my hand into hers. “Everything is on your terms. I’ve been briefed on the circumstances, and I completely understand.”

As I laid back on the exam table, Syn held my hand, and I closed my eyes while the doctor took notes and clicked around on the sonogram. I refused to acknowledge this baby until Sim could do it with me.

This was the first for the both of us, after traumatic losses. I wasn’t going to do this without him.

“You needed some time away from that hospital. Look at your skin… you’re pale because you haven’t been getting any sun,” Kobe said from the kitchen as he cooked.

Both he and Synthia came to break me away from the hospital. I was happily sitting on the couch in Quasim’s room, talking about everything that was going on in the news while eating popcorn when they came and snatched me away.

They claimed that I was going to go crazy if I didn’t get away for a couple of hours.

I hated to leave him alone, but they didn’t give me much of a choice.

Capri had gone back to work to specifically fuck with Lucia, so she was busy with that.

Meer had agreed to be moved to the compound because Peach refused to be away from her father for another week. Plus, he missed Cherry.

Zoya had popped in to visit me and made sure I was eating, which I appreciated.

For the most part, it had been just me being here alone.

Of course, with the staff, and the occasional pop in from whoever was coming to see Quasim.

I preferred being alone because I felt like I had been super emotional and that could be annoying at times.