Page 68

Blair

Recommendation: Listen to Hero by Mariah Carey.

My body felt so weak as I held onto the side of the toilet. Everything, a bunch of nothing, was coming up. I had settled into my bed and the urge to throw up overcame me. The soup on the night table was cold and untouched, surrounded by scattered pill bottles.

I picked my head up as a gush of liquid rushed out my mouth into the toilet bowl and I choked, wiping the spit with the back of my sleeve. Chemo was always tough on my body and my doctors warned me. They told me that this was a fight that I would need support for.

As much as I wanted the support, I had no one. I had pushed Augusta Mae away, and Tookie wasn’t going to be there. I had no other family or friends; it was just me and cancer. This was on me, and I had to face this alone. It wasn’t like I was a stranger to doing things alone.

Since my mom passed, I had to do a lot alone and teach myself so much. I felt like God wouldn’t give me a break. Losing my son and finally finding the strength to choose me and open my studio, and now this.

Cancer.

I finally found the strength to pick myself up from the floor and look into the mirror.

My eyes were bloodshot red because I cried constantly.

Life wasn’t supposed to be like this for me.

I should have been thriving in life. Finding love with the right man and getting married into a tight knit family that would accept me.

His mother would look at me as her own. Then we would have babies, and live happily ever after. He wouldn’t play about me and would die before he put his hands on me. I wouldn’t be reduced to a selfish bitch, like Tookie called me.

I ran my hand through my hair, frustrated with a dream that would never happen. Staring at my hand, my hair rested between my palm and on my fingers. “No, please,” I whimpered with no more fight left in me.

Defeated.

The war was over, and I couldn’t defend myself anymore.

I wanted to wave the white flag of life, and I couldn’t because this was life.

You didn’t get a pause or rewind button.

You were handed shit and had to make do with it.

Even with hope being gone, and not having anyone to live for, I wanted to live.

I wanted to ring that bell that taunted me every week.

Love was my happily ever after, but I couldn’t focus on that. I needed to fight, so me and that bell could have our moment at the end of this.

I wouldn’t end up in a grave.

“Wow, mom… the burger tastes better in the restaurant,” Elijah shoved more bottomless fries into his mouth and sucked it down with a prickly lemonade.

I took a few bites of the steak fry and then put it back onto my plate. “Uncomfortable,” Simmy reached over and touched my stomach.

I complained about being uncomfortable before, and I would give anything to go back to when I was that small. The insomnia had faded, but now I couldn’t get comfortable to actually sleep. Quasim went and purchased a massage chair for the room, thinking it would help.

“She’s been too active today… and I don’t want anything.”

“What if she is born today, on my birthday,” Elijah continued to smack on his fries, and I laughed because he kept saying it for weeks.

Today was his birthday and all he wanted to do was come to Red Robins with his parents. How did we get blessed with this little boy? We had been living with Gams since Mina moved into Papa’s condo.

They had been doing the back and forth, but she finally made up her mind to move in with him.

Gams was all too thrilled to have us because the house was quiet with just her in it.

Augusta Mae sold her home, and Simmy bought her the house across the street from Gams, and then the house further down, which was a vacant lot.

As much as Meer was on us to move onto the compound, we both wanted to be closer to Gams and Augusta Mae. Plus, Simmy was buying every house on the damn block as they came up for sale.

Ashbourne was a place that I would always remember. It was a place where I discovered so many amazing women who had gone through what I had, and some made it to the other side. It was also the first place that I stood up for me and stuck to my guns.

It was a place where I learned my husband was a flawed man with a lot of pain. Pain that he held onto because he didn’t want to weigh me down with his own trauma. Our marriage suffered some in Ashbourne, but it was the place that showed me that love was enough.

Love was enough when it was the right people. It was enough when the two people in the marriage wanted it as much as the other and were willing to fight for it. I saw Quasim in a different light, and while he assumed I saw him as weak, it made me see how strong he was.

How hard he fought to stay with his family.

“Do you think Thea misses me?” Elijah randomly asked, something he did now that he was in therapy.

“I don’t know, baby. Do you think she misses you?”

Thea and Mercer were still sensitive subjects for Simmy. He hated to hear their names and often would tense up whenever their name was mentioned, which wasn’t often. “Nope.”

I touched his hand. “I miss you when you leave us and head to Cappadonna’s house.”

He giggled as I teased him. “Big Capp is showing us how to fish.”

“He don’t even know how to fucking fish,” Quasim snickered as he checked his phone, while still gripping my stomach.

His hand stayed on my stomach, and before bed, he gave my stomach so many kisses. Izayah Rose was so loved, and everyone was waiting on her.

“You know… God uncles call me Prince Inferno. I should really learn how to ride a bike… a dirt bike perhaps?”

“This boy.” Sim laughed.

“Finish your food so we can cut your cake with Gams… she made you a special cake.”

He wolfed down his food and then ran to wash his hands as I leaned back on the chair. “Gotta get you home so I can rub you down… I’m sorry.”

“No, you are not… talking about another one.” I cut my eyes at him.

He laughed. “The way you be fucking back, I can’t tell, my love.”

I held my hands out, warning him that I would ball his lips up, and I wasn’t playing with him. He kissed my hand, and the silicone band he forced me to wear since my fingers were swollen.

“You scared?”

“Nah… you?” He looked over at me.

“So scared… what if I do this wrong again?” the tears danced on my waterline. At the drop of a hat, tears always flooded down my face.

He abandoned his chair and kneeled down in front of me, kissing my stomach. “You never did anything wrong the first time, Anjo. You have a husband, and family that loves you. I get being scared, but I’m right here with you.” I watched as he kissed the back of my hand.

For some reason, the small little patch under a man’s lip was such a turn on, and the way Simmy was staring at me, I had to look away. “Stop staring at me like that, knowing I cannot even roll over without help.”

“I can help you arch that back.”

I felt small arms around my neck and Elijah kissed my cheek. “Love you, mom… you crying again?”

“Alright, not too much on me… it’s this little girl.”

“If you say so.”

Life had gotten back to normal, and I was grateful for it. Being close to my best friends again felt like everything. Capri was on bedrest because the babies could come early since it was a twin pregnancy.

Travis Scott blared on the way home at the request of the birthday boy. He was slowly turning into his own person. Becoming so confident in himself and knowing his boundaries. What he liked or disliked.

The other day, he told me he didn’t like brown rice, which was something he never had the confidence to do. Whatever I fed him, he ate in the fear of being in trouble and not getting more food.

I knew that the blue flavor Gatorade was his favorite and he hated the red. Every day, I was learning more about him, and I loved it.

When we pulled into the driveway, Elijah got out and ran toward the steps while Quasim helped me out the car and up the steps. “The stairs are the worst part.”

“Good thing our room is on the lower level.” He kissed me as he held the door open for me.

The minute I stepped over the threshold, water flew out of me and onto the floor of the house and porch. “Simmy, my water broke.”

“Baby, I’m looking at the shit on my sneakers,” he spoke, and his voice sounded different. That cool guy shit was out the window, and he sounded panicked.

I was having a home birth in water. I realized a hospital birth was triggering for me, and I wanted to bring my baby into this world at peace, not worried. Our doula was only a phone call away, as I waddled into the house.

“Mom pissed on herself.”

Gams looked at Elijah. “Let me hear you or Peach say piss again, you hear?”

“Yes, Gams.” She kissed his head, then turned her attention to me. “Moochie… breathe.”

This man stopped breathing and had to let out a long ass breath. “My pool is in the garage… fill it up and put it on the spots we marked in the living room. Call Synthia, too, and Elijah?”

“Yes, mom.”

“I’m sorry for ruining your birthday.”

He smiled and hugged me. “You’re giving me my sister today.”

“She may not come toda—” the contraction ripped through me like a tidal wave, as I held onto the side of the counter. “Alright, back up,” I mushed him to the side while Gams laughed and came behind me.

The contractions were back-to-back, while Gams helped me change clothes. I didn’t plan to get into the pool until I was ready. Quasim was running around, not saying nothing, and in that head of his.

“Hey,” I called out to him.

“Why the fuck you got me all worried and you washing dishes, Anjo?”

While the contractions were horrible, I needed to do something because my nerves were bad. Holding his face, I kissed his lips. “Relax, Quasim. Feel.”

He put his hand on my stomach and then smiled at me. “She’s coming.”

“Harley says she’s ready… we’re going to be alright, okay?”