Page 31

Sadie

Hollis drives us to my house. Jovi isn’t staying here right now which I’m thankful for.

Leaving the hospital was a hard decision for me but Hollis is right I could be pregnant, and I do need to find out for sure.

If I am then I have to make sure to take care of myself better during all of this for our baby’s sake and if I’m not, then I can move on.

Hollis starts some coffee and I head into our bathroom.

It still smells like Axell or maybe it’s my mind playing tricks on me.

It’s funny how when something is missing from your life, you’ll find it everywhere and in every little thing.

It takes me a good ten minutes to even get the courage up to pee on the stick.

I lay in on the counter and climb into the shower.

I figure by the time I get out I’ll know the truth.

When I step out there’s a sun dress hanging on the back of the bathroom door and a pair of shoes and clean undergarments just inside the door.

I get dressed without glancing in the direction of the bathroom counter where the test lays. I can’t bring myself to look at it.

I open the bathroom door and Hollis is sitting on the bed sipping coffee. She hands me a cup as she approaches. I see the expectant look in her eye, but I shake my head. “I can’t do it,” I admit quietly.

Hollis gives me a smile and rubs my arm. She steps around me and into the bathroom she walks to the counter. When she looks back at me there are tears in her eyes. “You’re pregnant.”

I stand there staring at the little stick lying on the counter.

The stick that just changed everything. I always thought that when I found out I was pregnant Axell would be there but he’s not here.

He’s lying in a bed unconscious, fighting for his life.

A strangled sob escapes my body like a war cry.

Hollis is there in a flash pulling me into her arms and letting me cry out all of the stress.

A little while later, after I manage to eat a little breakfast, I head back to the hospital.

I’m in my car now because I don’t want to have to depend on anyone driving me.

I make my way up to Axell. Jagger is sitting in the chair next to the bed.

He gives me a small, forced smile as I enter.

“How are you holding up?” he asks me as he moves out of the chair and motions for me to sit.

I’m about to protest but I know it would do no good.

I shrug. “As good as I can. How are you?”

“I’m okay. It’s odd. Axell has always been the rock for all of us.

Whenever anything has started to fall apart, he’s always been there to pick up the pieces and hold us all together.

Seeing him like this I just don’t even have words for how it makes me feel.

I hate it though. I can only imagine how you’re feeling,” Jagger says.

“It is odd. This isn’t a place you think of when you think of Axell. It’s the last place you want him to be in. I hate the fact that he was rushing to get to me. This is all my fault,” I confess.

Jagger reaches over and takes my hand. “No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is. Before I left for South Carolina I told Axell things I should have told him years ago, but I didn’t. When I left we weren’t on good terms. Everything was uncertain. He was only rushing because of that and now here we are and it’s my fault.”

Jagger shakes his head. “It’s not your fault.

Axell had forgiven you for not telling him about Drake.

” My head whips up because I didn’t know he even knew about that.

“He told me because he needed to talk to someone. I guess out of all of us I was his best bet. Anyway, he was over it and looking forward to moving on together as a family, Drake included. He was anxious to get to you but really this wasn’t anyone’s fault.

Sometimes shitty stuff just happens. Axell’s a fighter and he’ll make it.

” I nod and Jagger leaves with a promise to return later.

****

It’s been a week since I got back to L.A.

A week since Axell’s accident. There’s been no major improvements in his condition but no declines either.

We are just sitting ducks, waiting for something to happen.

My nails are bitten down to the quick. I have an appointment myself today.

It’s my first appointment to check on the baby, our baby.

Hollis is going with me since Lyndsay is working.

They are the only two I have told so far.

I don’t want to go around announcing it the world when I haven’t even got to tell the father yet.

The doctor comes in and tells me that they plan on slowly pulling him out of the drug induced coma.

What he really means is they will lower is drug dosage so that his body can wake up, if he can.

The problem is that Axell may not be able to wake up.

His body may not be ready or may have a different kind of damage that will keep him in a coma just not a drug induced one.

I’ve been trying not to stress but this makes me nervous.

It’s impossible not to stress even with the idea of our baby and how it might affect its health.

I’m holding Axell’s hand praying yet again and pleading with him to wake up soon when Hollis appears in the doorway. Hollis doesn’t give me that same sad look everyone else does and I’m thankful for that. I lean over and press a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll be back soon,” I tell him.

Hollis is great at not trying to fill the quiet with unnecessary conversation.

She knows that right now conversing is not very high on my list of things to do.

I’m grateful to just drive to the doctor’s office in the quiet of the music coming from the radio.

Bowie is hosting the show today, so it didn’t shock me that she had the radio on when I got in the car.

Too soon we pull up to the doctor’s office.

I take a deep breath to try and calm the nerves that have formed on the drive over.

I sign in and we take a seat in the waiting room with the rest of the mom’s to be and some of the fathers.

My heart breaks a little that Axell isn’t here with me, but I couldn’t put this off any longer.

I’d give almost anything to have him here with me right now.

I look around and see that most of the women are clearly farther along than I am, already showing with their baby bumps.

Apparently, one baby starts kicking by the mother’s exclaims and the father quickly reaches over and places his hands on the baby bump.

I watch as his face lights with astonishment.

Absentmindedly, I reach down and place my hand over my stomach.

I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever get to have a moment like that with Axell.

The nurse appears and calls my name. “Do you want me to go with you?” Hollis asks, and I nod.

I don’t feel strong enough to do this by myself today.

We head down the hallway. They weigh me and take my blood pressure which is a little high then we wait for the doctor.

Hollis flips through a parenting magazine while we wait.

Dr. Estrada finally knocks and enters the room.

“Hi, Mrs. James. I’m Dr. Estrada. I understand that you believe you are expecting. ”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, congratulations. So, we’ll do a test and then grab the ultrasound machine and see what we can find out,” he explains.

The doctor confirmed it. I was in fact pregnant about eight weeks to be exact.

I had heard the heartbeat and that had made me cry.

Everything seems to make me cry now days.

He was concerned about my blood pressure but after Hollis explained the situation right now, he backed off but told me to eat all low sodium foods.

I got a blurry picture as I left out that was supposed to be a picture of the baby, but it looked more like a bean of some sort. Everything was happening so fast.

****

I had to return to work a few weeks ago.

As much as I hated leaving Axell’s side the world didn’t pause for us just because our lives were falling apart.

My morning sickness had finally gone away but the stress hadn’t.

Axel was quickly approaching the six-week mark.

At six weeks he would be moved out of the hospital and into a long-term care facility.

It was a little-known fact that normally if you hadn’t woken up from a coma within six weeks you more than likely weren’t going to.

I was almost three and half months pregnant.

Everyone around me knew at this point, everyone but Axell.

I liked to believe that he could hear me when I talked to him and that he actually knew we were having baby.

Axell had healed but never woken up. They couldn’t understand why but it happened.

I still held onto to a small sliver of hope.

I had to that was how I made it through the days.

Drake would be arriving in a few days. Seth had stayed in South Carolina with him after our mother passed away two months ago.

The house needed to be sold and things gone through and paperwork to take care of.

Seth had done it all and by himself while taking care of my son.

Jovi was excited for Drake to arrive and even helped get his room set up at the house.

I didn’t worry too much because I knew Jovi would look out and help Drake adjust.

I had just gotten off from work when I pulled up to the hospital.

I took the stairs since Axell wasn’t on the top floor anymore.

He had been moved to a regular room about two weeks after his accident.

I pulled the chair over to the side of his bed.

Axell had lost a lot of weight. For all of the time I’ve known him I’d never seen him this thin.

His bones had healed, and his stitches were gone.

There was a scar left under his eye, but I think it gives him even more character to his already handsome face.

I took his hand in mine and the weight of the day finally caught me.

The weight of the world was on my shoulders.

I needed Axell. I was tired of being strong all the time.

I was tired of praying. I was just tired in general.

For the first time since the first week he was in the hospital I cried.

I laid my forehead on top of his hand and cried like a baby and pleaded with Axell.

“Axell, I need you to hear me right now. I need you to come back to me. I need you to open those ridiculously pretty eyes that I was always so jealous of. I’m trying to stay strong but I’m breaking Axell.

Even I need help from time to time and you’re the only one that can help me.

We’re having a baby and you should be here.

You should be here with me to decorate the nursery.

You should be here for doctor’s appointments and we should be fighting over names.

You should be here when Drake gets here.

Our family is growing but you’re not here and you should be.

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I never told you about Drake.

I’m sorry that you were rushing so you could get to me when all this happened.

I’m sorry Axell. I love you so much that this guilt and regret are pulling me down.

I miss you so much that I’m actually in pain.

I miss your chuckle and stupid smirk that I took for granted.

I just assumed that you’d always be here, you were my invincible man until you weren’t, and I don’t know what to do or where to go without you so please come back to me.

I’m not me without you,” I cry the whole way through.

I doubt he can even understand half of what I said but I needed to beg him. “I love you handsome. Come home.”

I left the hospital that night feeling exhausted.

When I got home, I ate dinner that Jovi made then crawled into the bed.

The bed that was empty and cold without Axell beside me, another hurtful reminder that he wasn’t here.

I was sound asleep when Jovi came into the bedroom that morning, waking me up after I slept through my alarm.

I got dressed and rushed out the door with Jovi on my heels.

Both of us rushing, I stopped and turned around to Jovi “Don’t speed.

If you’re late, you’re late. I don’t care. ”

“I won’t,” he tells me with a nod.

We get into our cars and I dial my manager before pulling out of the driveway.

“I might be a little late. I overslept, and I need to stop by and check on Axell.” I was lucky my manager was great.

He told me not to worry about it. I headed to the hospital with Guns N’ Roses on the radio.

I took the elevator since I was already running late.

As I approach Axell’s room I hear a lot of commotion.

My feet start to move faster and faster until I’m in the doorway.

A doctor and nurse are both standing beside Axell’s bed.

When they move Axell’s eyes find mine and I’ve never felt relief like I feel it right now. “Hey beautiful,” he rasps out.