Page 30

Sadie

It was cloudy and dreary when I landed in L.A.

an odd occurrence for this area but suiting for my current mood.

I see Lyndsay as soon as I enter the airport.

In an instant I’m in her arms and crying on her shoulder.

This is what best friends are for and she is definitely succeeds every time.

The guilt of not telling her the truth about my past years ago weighs on me, almost as much as the guilt from not telling Axell.

Eventually, Lyndsay leads me over to baggage claim and we make our way to her car.

She doesn’t have to ask because she already knows where to go.

She pulls out of the parking lot and heads toward the hospital.

We drive in silence because there are no words.

I’m at a loss for words and she knows me well enough to know that.

Too soon we pull into the parking lot of the hospital.

Once we’re parked, I hesitate. Going inside will make this whole situation real and that scares me.

Axell has always been the strong one. He’s always been the one to take care of everyone around him.

The idea of him in a hospital and unconscious is overwhelming on so many levels.

Lyndsay reaches over and squeezes my hand. “He’ll be okay, Sadie.”

I nod. “I’m sorry Lyndsay.”

She gets a look on her face, like she’s questioning what I have to be sorry for.

“I’m sorry for not telling you about my past. I’m sorry for causing drama between you and Seth.

You’re my best friend and I should have told you.

I should have supported you and my brother as long as you were both happy. ”

“First of all, yes, I was pissed when Seth told me about Drake, but you know what I got over it because as a mom, I’d do anything for my kids.

In some way you felt like you were protecting him.

I just hate that you suffered alone. As with Seth, for whatever reason he makes me happy and he’s good to me and the kids.

I don’t know if it’ll last but it’s worth the risk.

He’s different with me. I know how he’s been in the past but when he’s with me it’s like a totally different version of Seth, so please don’t worry about that.

You have enough on your plate right now.

So, come on let’s go in there and see your husband.

I’ll walk you up to the ICU. I’m sure one the guys are there already. ” I nod, and we get out of the car.

The feeling of quicksand comes back to me.

I feel like I can barely move my feet forward.

The biggest part of me is wanting to avoid this moment.

It doesn’t want to come face to face with the fact that Axell is not invincible.

For half of my life nothing was solid and stable.

Not a person or a place, but then Axell changed that.

He was solid and stable, and he stood strong no matter what.

Now, I have to face the fact that he isn’t always that strong, that he too falls from time to time.

I know that sounds silly which is why I don’t voice it.

No one is invincible, and I know that, but I held Axell to a different standard, much like he did with me.

That standard if crumbling now and I don’t know if I can handle it.

Mentally, I’m breaking down. I’m trying to keep it together, but I just don’t know if I can.

As we enter the hospital the smell of antiseptic and bleach fills my nose. I take off running for the bathroom once again. Lyndsay follows right behind me and holds my hair back. When I stand up, she looks worried. “I’m fine. It’s just nerves and stress. Nothing to worry about.”

“If you say so,” she tells me.

I’ve never been a fan of elevators and if the ICU wasn’t on the top floor, I probably would have insisted we take the stairs, but after vomiting so much I just didn’t have the strength.

We ride up the elevator stopping here and there.

I watch as people get on and off the elevator, some happy and some sad.

I wonder if I’ll ever get to leave in an elevator from here happy like that or will it be in tears?

Finally, we reach our destination and if it wasn’t for Lyndsay grabbing my hand and pulling me behind her, I probably would have ridden that elevator all day long.

We pass through a set of swinging doors into the waiting room.

Hollis is easy to spot with her burgundy hair and platinum streaks.

When she looks up her eyes fall on me, she jumps up and makes her way to me.

She pulls me in for a hug. “I’m so glad you’re back,” she tells me.

Lyndsay rubs my arm. “I’ll come back later to check on you but I’m going to leave for now.” I nod and hug her, my way of silently thanking her for being here. “Love you,” Lyndsay says.

“Love you too,” I reply. Lyndsay leaves and when I turn back around Bowie pulls me into his body.

He wraps his arms around me, arms that remind of Axell’s.

His scent is almost the same too. My heart bleeds a little bit more at the idea that Axell may never hold me like this again.

Bowie pulls back and tries to smile at me.

“He’s going to be so happy you’re here.” Bowie leads us towards the door of Axell’s room.

The ICU is a circle with each patient having their own little space.

The walls facing the nursing station are glass and there is an automatic sliding door leading into each room.

From behind the glass I could see Axell lying stiffly in the bed, looking nothing like himself.

The tubes and machines surrounding him caused a lump to form in my throat.

Bowie moved us through the door. Axell had multiple stitches throughout his body.

His face was bruised and scratched, but there was one deep cut that required stitches.

It ran under his eye, along his cheekbone.

Bowie guided me to the chair beside his bed.

I decided then and there that the best thing I could do was to shut down emotionally.

I needed to be strong for Axell’s brothers especially for Jovi.

Axell was like a father to him and he had already lost so much.

I sat beside Axell all day. The guys came in at different times since only two people at a time were allowed in the room.

When Jovi finally came in after school he came directly to my side.

He sat beside me quietly and held my hand.

I was supposed to be the one being strong for him, but it felt like he was giving me his strength instead.

The nurses came in and out of the room, checking on Axell’s vitals, nothing changed but every time they came, I’d hope he’d wake up. Jovi left saying he’d be back.

I sat in a daze, only speaking when spoken to.

A steady flow of people rather nurses or his brothers came in to the room.

I tried to smile and greet them, but I couldn’t.

I saw the look of sympathy in all of their eyes.

If I hadn’t shut myself down, I’d probably cry every time one of them looked at me.

I knew Axell’s vital were steady, but they weren’t good which meant that anything could happen and that was a scary thought.

I wasn’t allowed to stay the night in the room, so I moved to the waiting room.

Jovi had brought me food for both meals, but they had gone uneaten.

I was at a loss and I wasn’t sure what to do.

I sat in the uncomfortable plastic chair and stared at the stark white wall.

You’d think hospitals would at least attempt to make things more comfortable, more inviting.

Instead, they are cold and sterile. Solid white with hard, uncomfortable chairs.

I don’t know if you could actually make a hospital inviting considering no one wants to be here but you could try to at least make it a little comfortable.

At some point I must have dozed off. Hollis was standing above me when I woke the next morning.

Her head was tilted to the side. “Did you sleep here all night?” I nodded because I was afraid, I’d say something unkind if I spoke.

My appearance should have given me away.

A rat’s nest for hair and wrinkled clothing.

I stretched my arms above my head, but they were stiff and achy.

Hollis extended her hand and I took it. “Come with me,” she tells me.

“No,” I reply pulling my hand from hers. “I need to see Axell.”

Hollis takes a deep breath. “They won’t unlock the doors for another half hour, but the cafeteria is open, so we’ll go grab some breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry Hol.”

She nods her head. “I don’t blame you but that doesn’t mean I can let you do that. First let’s stop by the restroom.”

I walk beside Hollis but she’s leading us.

Once the bathroom door shuts behind us she reaches into her purse and pulls out a box.

She hands it to me and at first, I don’t really see the box but after a minute I finally start to see.

The small box is a pregnancy test. “Do you think you’re pregnant again? ” I ask her.

She smiles and shakes her head. “Oh no, Annalynn is a handful right now. That’s not for me, it’s for you.”

“What? I’m not pregnant.”

She raises her eyebrows. “Are you sure? Lyndsay, Seth and Drake all confirmed you’ve been vomiting for the past few days, usually in the mornings after a certain smell hits you. You’re a nurse so you know that’s a sign.”

“It is but I’m not pregnant. We haven’t even been trying and…” I stop to try and think when my last cycle was but I’m blank. “It’s just not possible,” I say with a shake of my head.

“It’s not possible at all?” Hollis asks, but we both know it is. Truth is I’m scared. I don’t know if I can handle finding out I’m pregnant in the hospital bathroom where Axell is lying in a coma in ICU. It all just seems to be too much.

“I can’t do this here,” I finally manage to croak out.