Page 20

Axell

Walking away from Sadie right now is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

A part of me is staying with her, it always will.

She owns the best parts of me. At the end of the day I’m hers.

Right now, though, I feel like I don’t know anything.

I feel like I don’t know what is going on.

Everything I thought I knew, I don’t. The one person I thought would never lie to me, never hurt me, just did and in the worse way.

A part of me is angry, a part of me is devastated, and the other part of me understands why she did it. The human emotion process is confusing as hell. No one should be able to feel so many conflicting emotions at one time. My mind is racing faster than I ever have behind the wheel of a car.

That’s an idea. Getting behind the wheel of a car might help me figure this shit out.

When I’m behind the wheel of a car I’m in control, me, no one else.

Right now, I need some sense of control because my entire world was just been thrown upside down.

At this point I don’t even know what I’m doing.

I’m just walking on auto pilot. Once I’m back inside I stop at the bar and steal a bottle of whiskey.

I slip out the front door undetected and walk down the road until I reach an empty part of the beach.

I take a seat in the sand and open the bottle.

I take a swig from the bottle and let the oak and mint taste wash over my senses. The burn in the back of my throat brings back the moment with Sadie. I’m numb except for the warmth in the pit of my stomach caused by the whiskey.

A growl of frustration escapes from me and I hang my head.

How did my life get to this point? Just a few hours earlier I was so full of joy and pride for how far we had all come and now…

now I’m sitting on an empty beach with a bottle of whiskey in an attempt to drown my sorrows, to drown the truth from my mind.

I can’t help but wonder what else has been a lie when it comes to Sadie.

Some part of me knows that she loves me and that’s not a lie, but that part is being silenced by the other part of me.

The part of me that is questioning everything.

I’m sitting here thinking back on my life with Sadie.

Every important moment, every memorable conversation, I’m trying to decipher it now.

Trying to figure out how in the hell I missed this?

How was I so blind? What did I do to make her think or feel like she couldn’t tell me?

Then my anger moves to Seth, why the hell didn’t he tell me?

He never even hinted about Sadie’s past. What about Lyndsay, does she know?

Was I the last one to find out the truth about my own wife?

That hurts, I won’t lie. My mind goes back to what else hasn’t she told me about?

Not telling me she had a son is kind of a big deal, so I can’t help wonder what else she hid from me.

I take another swig from the bottle. I know this won’t help me or the situation or even Sadie, but I feel the need for this bottle right now.

I feel like I failed. I failed Sadie in some way.

This whole time she has been taking care of my family.

Raising Jovi like he was her own when she actually had her own son.

I don’t know what to do with this information.

To make matters worse, she leaves tomorrow for God knows how long. How are we supposed to figure things out when she’ll be on the other side of the country? How do I learn to forgive her for keeping this from me all these years? I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here but my body is stiff.

I need to drive, and I’ve only had two swigs from this bottle, but I have no car.

I gave my keys to Sadie. Grabbing my cell phone, I almost dial Bowie but at the last minute I don’t.

If I call one of my brother’s, I’ll have to explain and then listen to their advice.

I know they’ll mean well but I can’t even think straight right now, so the last thing I need is them being involved.

I scroll through my contacts until I see Tillman.

He’s just the guy I need. I press dial and listen to the line ring. Finally, he picks up. “Hey Axell, what’s up?”

“Are you busy?”

“Not really, why?” Tillman asks.

I sigh. “Because I need to drive but I don’t have my car right now.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” Tillman pauses, “Where are you?” I give him the directions then hang up. About half an hour later he pulls up. I climb into the passenger seat. “Not to be an ass but you look like hell.”

I scoff. “Rough night.”

“So, you want to drive?” I just nod in return. “Well, then I’m guessing that means something bad went down between you and your girl.” Tillman stops, waiting for an answer but I don’t give him one. “Well, you can drive when we get there.”

“Get where?” I ask.

He looks over at me and smirks. “To the races. I was there when you called me, but I still had a while before it was my turn. We have plenty of time.”

I start to shake my head. “I’m not racing.”

Tillman holds his hands up in surrender. “I never said you had to. I have an extra car there. You can take it out for a drive. I have to be back there, so you have to come with me to get the car, that’s all.”

As much as I hate to admit it a part of me got excited over the idea of racing when Tillman mentioned it. I know that would hurt Sadie and in my current mindset maybe that’s not the best thing to do. I can’t decide right now if racing would be for me or to hurt Sadie the way I’m hurting.

As we pull up to the races, I notice that these races have changed.

The races that my brothers take part in seem to never change except for location from time to time but these are so different from what I remember.

There are double the cars parked along both sides of the street from what I remember.

However, most of these cars are just as expensive as they were all those years ago.

Tillman parks and we get out of his car.

I spot Roberto easily enough. I nod to him as Tillman tosses me a set of keys while pointing to the red Ferrari 488 sitting next to me.

“Have at it but promise me one thing.” I raise my eyebrows in question.

“Be careful and call me if you need anything.”

I turn and open the driver’s side door but look back and tell Tillman, “Thank you.” He nods in response.

I slide behind the seat and already I feel more in control.

I scan the radio stations until I land on the new age rock station.

Turning it up loud enough that it drowns out my thoughts, I back out of the parking space.

I drive aimlessly. My mind moving with the car.

Just like the car moves in and out of traffic and around curves, my mind does too.

It moves from one memory to the next still trying to find any clue that I missed.

I pull up to a red light feeling more frustrated than before.

Driving used to be a calm for my soul at times like these, but not now, I guess.

I look over and spot some kid sitting behind the wheel of his flashy Mustang.

The car has had a lot of work done to it, but I bet he’s been done it the cheapest way possible which means it’ll never last. Hell, I bet Mr. Hollister model can barely shift the gears.

As if he can read my mind, he revs his engine and smirks at me, almost as if he’s calling me out.

It’s late and the streets are mostly vacant.

I know I shouldn’t, but I push down on the gas pedal and rev my engine in return.

This punk doesn’t have anything on me. I own these damn streets and I’m about to show him.

The light changes to green and in an instant, I find myself falling back into my old habits.

The speed courses through me, urging me forward.

I glance in the rearview mirror and see his headlights directly behind me.

The wind is whipping through the windows and the vibration shakes every muscle I have.

The city around me becomes a blur as I move along the streets, maneuvering in and out of traffic as I go.

We are moving into a part of town that actually has traffic.

The kid has yet to gain on me. I push down harder on the pedal and shift up another gear.

Eventually, I glance back at the rearview mirror and realize that the kid in the Mustang has disappeared.

I won, not that it’s surprising. I ruled these streets for years, still could if I wanted to.

As I ease off the accelerator my energy slowly returns to normal and with that the reality sets back in.

The anger and hurt from Sadie now mixed with the guilt of racing is weighing heavy on me.

I should go home but I can’t, not yet anyways.

I drive around most of the night. Tillman texts to check in on me, I answer him back.

My brothers and Sadie call and text, I ignore those.

I’m not ready to figure things out. Eventually, I meet Tillman at a twenty-four-hour café.

We carb load with pancakes that are loaded with everything.

Mine are covered in syrup, cinnamon, cream cheese frosting, and pecans.

I didn’t even realize I was hungry until the food was set in front of me.

Once the waitress leaves us Tillman clears his throat. “So, you want to talk about it?”

I shrug while shoveling a mouth full of pancake into my mouth. “Nothing to tell,” I reply after chewing.

“Bullshit! You didn’t call me for nothing, Axell.”

I shake my head and stare at the window taking in the peaceful view. “What do you want me to say?”

“How about the truth man?”

I finish eating before I break down everything for him.

I relay most of the story that Sadie told me.

Tillman never interrupts. He only asks two questions, how I feel about Sadie’s confession.

I replied with, “I’m pissed.” Which is the truth.

Tillman runs his hands over his face. He looks exhausted.

“Look, I don’t know much about relationships and I get why you’d be pissed but is it worth throwing your entire relationship away for? Is it worth getting a divorce?”

His words start to wrap around my brain and the only answer I can come up with is no.

Yes, I’m pissed and for good reason. Yes, I’m hurt that Sadie didn’t tell me the truth.

I’ll always wish she had, but I guess in some way I understand that she was trying to protect Drake.

In some way whether it was wrong or right she thought she was doing the right thing and that I can respect.

However, as pissed as I am, I still can’t imagine my life without Sadie in it.

I don’t even want to try. I know that I can move on from this, but I don’t know how quickly.

That’s the problem. I don’t want to be one of those people who punish someone else for the mistake she made in her past, but how do you just forgive and forget? How do you just move on?

Tillman pulls me from my thoughts. “I didn’t mean to make your brain work that hard with those questions.”

“You didn’t,” I tell him while shaking my head.

“Look, I think the most important question to ask yourself is do you love her? Love and I mean real love, is hard to come by now days. Real love lasts but most of this stuff now days is fleeting, just something to pass the time or make you forget you’re lonely.

From what little I know about the two of you I’d say it’s real.

You made a selfless decision at a time when you were meant to be selfish based on the love you have for her. Do you regret that?” Tillman asks.

“No, not for a single second, but I raced tonight.”

Tillman’s eyes go wide. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“It just happened. Some punk kid came up beside me at a red light and revved his engine and the next thing I knew I did the same,” I explain.

Tillman shakes his head. “Please, tell me you weren’t so rusty that you let the punk win?”

I chuckle. “Nope, you forget I own these streets.”

“You used to own these streets, but it’s been a while. I’m happy you won though.” I raise my eyebrows in question. “That’s my car you were driving. I can’t have people thinking I let some punk beat me.”

I laugh. “Oh, we can’t have that.”

Tillman shakes his head. “No, we can’t.” After a few moments of silence Tillman speaks again. “Go home Axell and talk to Sadie.”

A heavy sigh escapes me. “I still don’t know what to say.”

“The truth. You said she’s leaving for a bit.

That gives you both time to think and clear your head, but don’t let her leave like this.

She’ll leave thinking you hate her and that there’s no hope.

That’s how things end up becoming messy and ending badly.

So, go home, tell her the truth about what you’re feeling so you can both move forward.

The time apart probably won’t be a bad idea but at least let her know there’s still a chance for the two of you to move forward,” Tillman says.

He’s always shocking me. You don’t think he’d be so insightful, but then he goes and gives a speech like that and you can’t help but be impressed. “Damn, I didn’t see that coming from you but thanks. Meet me at the shop later?”

“Yeah, I got to get my car back at some point,” Tillman tells me. I’m almost out the door when he calls out to me “Good luck.”

I have a feeling I’m going to need it.