Page 18

Sadie

One moment everything was fine and the next everything came crashing down on me.

I had managed to hold myself together all day until I was in Axell’s arms dancing.

I was able to keep the war of emotions going inside my head from cascading outside until that damn Ed Sheeran song came on and Axell told me how perfect I was.

I couldn’t fight it anymore. The war broke through and I lost it.

I couldn’t fight the tears off as they came flooding through.

I tried to keep Axell from seeing me like this, but I couldn’t.

Rushing away from him sobbing didn’t help anything.

I suddenly couldn’t run away from it all fast enough.

I needed a moment to myself, I needed distance from it all.

The weight of everything was pulling me under.

My limbs were heavy with guilt and regret.

I hadn’t even reached the sand I already felt like I was sinking into it.

The cool breeze stung my overheated body, but I welcomed it.

I know Axell and I know he’s not far behind me.

I have to get myself together. This isn’t the time or place to have this discussion, but then again that’s been my excuse all these years.

Maybe, it’s time to stop making the excuses and own up to my decisions, but to do it during Ace’s wedding just seems wrong.

I feel Axell’s presence behind me. My soul knows him. I don’t have to see him to know he’s there. Our souls seek each other out. I never believed in the idea of soulmates until I met Axell. I hear him clear his throat before he asks, “Sadie, what the hell is going on? You’re scaring me.”

My plan is to lie to him again, but when I turn around and see the man I love, my husband, the person I have been through so much with I can’t do it.

I can’t continue to lie to him. It doesn’t matter that it’s Ace’s wedding.

It doesn’t matter that this isn’t the right time or place.

My mouth throws the words out before I can reconsider them further.

“I’m not perfect at all Axell. I’m not the girl you think I am. ”

A look of confusion crosses his face. “Baby, what are you talking about?” he asks as he pulls me into his arms. “I know you, Sadie.”

I shake my head and try to pull away from him, but he won’t let me go.

“No, you don’t. You just think you do. I’ve been living this lie for so long,” I tell him.

The worst part is that I know Axell. He would have accepted me and my past. He would have accepted everything if I had just had the courage to tell him.

“Sadie, I don’t know what’s going on?”

It’s time to accept my fate. “I know you don’t and that’s my fault and I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. I’ll tell you everything.”

Axell releases me and walks over to sit on the steps then pats the spot next to him.

I follow his lead and take a seat. The warmth from his body warms my cold soul.

My soul knows what’s coming and it’s shut itself off in order to protect the pain that will follow.

I’m trying to find the courage when Axell reaches over and takes my hands in his.

“Sadie, you can tell me anything. You know that. Nothing you tell me can make me not love you.”

As much as I love those words, I wish he hadn’t said them. What I’m about to tell him will change everything. There’s a very good possibility he won’t love me after this. “I love you for saying that but don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I’ll always keep that one,” he replies with a matter of fact tone.

I sigh and let the memories of my past come crashing back on me, just like the waves crashing into the shore.

“You know I wasn’t actually from South Carolina.

I only lived there about a year before I moved here.

Before that we lived in Tennessee. My mom and I had always been really close so when she met Dale, I hated him.

I didn’t want him around. I started acting out.

I thought it would scare Dale off, but it didn’t.

One night I went with my friends to the local bowling alley.

We were standing outside trying to act like we were a lot cooler than we were at the time when he pulled up.

I remember feeling the vibration coming from the ground and the roar of the engine as the motorcycle approached.

He pulled up and parked not even ten feet away from us.

He put his cigarette out while checking us out.

The look he gave me sent chills all over my spine.

He had tattoos and an eyebrow piercing. He was your typical biker.

I knew he would be a good way to piss my mom off and maybe make Dale leave.

He smirked as he passed us. We quickly decided to follow him inside.

We were bowling when he came up and offered to give me tips on how to bowl.

I took his offer. I ended up climbing onto the back of the bike that night as he gave me a ride home, much to my mother’s dismay.

He told me his name was Josh and we exchanged numbers.

I didn’t really plan on seeing him again but then he called me, and I figured why not? ”

“Josh was your typical bad boy; alcohol, drugs, in and out of jail for fights, girls throwing themselves at him willingly, and of course he took it. I quickly felt myself giving into the pressure of what he wanted. Before I knew it, I was in over my head. Looking back, I see the small signs leading up to all the issues, but you know when you’re that young you don’t really even think about them.

Anyways, my mother and Dale announced their engagement which only pushed me closer to Josh.

They both didn’t like or trust him and for good reason.

He had a well-earned reputation but at that point I wouldn’t listen to them.

I was angry at my mom for wanting to add Dale to the family.

I was angry at Dale for taking my mom away from me.

I was just angry, and I felt like I had no one except Josh.

He was technically always there when I needed him, but our relationship was far from great.

My family, my friends, even some teachers tried to tell me to get away from him, but I was hell bent on proving them all wrong.

When Josh told me he loved me, I believed him like the na?ve girl I was. ”

Axell’s face is pale and his lips are drawn in forming a hard line.

I take a deep breath before continuing. “He went in and out of rehab, but it never stuck. The last time he came out things were different. It was like something clicked and he realized he needed to change. He told me it was because he loved me, and I believed him again. Hearing him say that put me on cloud nine. Everything was perfect for a few months then he went missing one weekend. I was worried sick, literally. I was throwing up and dizzy. I was a mess. There was a rumor that he was seen on his motorcycle with some of his old buddies, but I didn’t want to believe them.

I wanted to believe that he really had changed.

He called me after three days and said he needed to see me, so I went to meet up with him.

I was just about to leave when he finally showed up.

I knew the minute he staggered off the bike that we were back to step one.

I knew he had left with those friends and fallen off the wagon…

again. In that moment I was so angry. Those three days had been hell for me.

Not just because I was worried about him, but because I found out my sickness was much more than that.

I was pregnant. I was pregnant by this drunken drug addict that couldn’t stay sober over a couple of months at a time. I was so angry at him and myself.”

I can’t look at Axell not now. I just told him my biggest secret but there’s still so much to say.

“With every step he took toward me my anger grew. He tried to tell me he was sorry when he saw the look on my face, but I cut him off. I didn’t want to hear it.

I couldn’t let my heart make this decision for me because it wasn’t just about me anymore.

I was going to have a baby and it didn’t need this crap in its life.

Josh’s anger had always been at its worst when he had been on a binger.

I should have waited but I just couldn’t.

I told him I was done and that he had to make a decision.

It was either this lifestyle and his friends or me and our baby.

Needless, to say he didn’t want a baby at the moment.

Our anger got the best of us. Remember those signs that I mentioned I overlooked? ”

I raise my head to look at him and he just nods.

“Well, Josh had been abusive in the past but nothing that seemed serious. He’d get jealous and grab my arm too hard or something like that.

This night was different though. He grabbed my arm and got in my face about giving him an ultimatum.

Things escalated from there. I just remember crying and begging but he wouldn’t stop.

Finally, his sister and her boyfriend showed up and got him off of me.

They rushed me to the hospital. They didn’t expect the baby to make it.

Hell, I was lucky to make it.” I don’t even realize I’m crying until Axell reaches up and wipes the tears away.