Page 26

Sadie

It’s been three weeks since I got back to Aynor and for the most part, I’ve found a routine.

My mother’s health continues its slow decline.

She’s sleeping more than when I first arrived.

Somehow, she manages to never miss her soap operas.

She sits outside on the porch as the sun is setting and admires the garden that I planted for her.

It’s full of every kind and color of flower I could find at the store.

I purchased ones that were already in bloom instead of seeds, so my mother could enjoy them.

Drake gets up every morning and waters the garden before we start our daily chores.

I fix lunch then he heads to work. We still haven’t found our footing, but I didn’t expect us to.

I do fear that our relationship will always be this way.

I wish I could magically fix it. I wish I had been healthier mentally after his birth, so I could have been the mother he deserved.

I wish a lot of things these days, but I can’t bring myself to regret my decision though.

Drake has had a great life and it’s one that I couldn’t have given him until after college and I’m glad that he didn’t have to suffer his early years that way.

My days are filled with cleaning out the years of stuff that my mother has accumulated.

After a few hours of that I move to cleaning up the house and making lunch.

I always make sure to sit down in the afternoon with my mother and watch the afternoon soap operas.

In the morning Drake sits with her and watches also.

I stay clear because I figure he needs his time with her too.

His life is about to change, and I think he’ll need this closure in the long run.

Mom has a doctor’s appointment today, so Drake helps me load her in the car.

He promises to DVR her morning soap operas before we leave.

My mother turns on the radio as we pull out of the driveway.

The Beatles come on and she starts to sing along.

My mother always did love The Beatles and she would sing along to their songs no matter where she was or who was around.

I laugh at the memories of us road tripping back before Dale came into our lives.

We’d go away on a weekend or for a week during the summer and it was always filled with The Beatles .

They were the soundtracks of my youth. Every good memory I have from that time in my life has one of their songs attached to it.

Without a second thought I start to sing along with my mom.

My mother fell asleep about halfway to Myrtle Beach and the doctor’s appointment didn’t go so well.

It’s not that we expected a miracle and for her to be healed or even allotted more time in her life, it’s just that it never gets any easier to hear.

You can convince yourself that you are prepared but you never really are.

When we got back home Drake had already gone to work.

I struggle to get her into the house, but we manage.

Starting tomorrow Hospice will start coming in twice a day to check on her.

Even without a nursing degree I know what that means, we’re close to the end.

Once mom is asleep, I go outside on the porch and sit in one of the rocking chairs.

I have a cup of mint tea and scroll my cell phone while I rock.

I’ve been nauseated off and, on all day, and they say mint helps that.

It starts to sprinkle as I sit there. I make it through my day’s fine because I’m busy.

I have things to do and people to take care for, but the nights are a different story.

The nights are the worst. That’s when the loneliness creeps up like an old, unwanted friend and climbs into your bed and reminds you that you’re alone.

It pushes and prods at you until you have to let it in.

You can’t keep it at bay forever. It wraps around you like a blanket; only it’s cold and never ending.

Finally, I give up and call Seth and Lyndsay to check in.

After catching up with them I dial Axell.

I’m sure he won’t answer but I call him anyway.

It rings five times and I’m just about hang up not wanting to leave another unanswered voicemail.

To my surprise the phone clicks on. “Hello,” Axell says and my heart does a little happy dance.

His deep raspy voice wraps around every jagged nerve in my body and soothes every tense muscle.

It’s like he’s breathing life into me. It’s funny how something so simple can give you such comfort.

Suddenly, my throat feels as if it has a lump the size of Aynor in it. I clear my throat. “Hey,” I manage to whisper out.

A silence hangs between us for a moment. I’ve been calling, texting, and e-mailing relentlessly so you would think that I would have plenty to say, but in this moment, I can’t find the words. Thankfully, Axell does. “How have you been?”

“I’m okay and you?” I ask.

“I’m okay too.”

I’m gnawing on my bottom lip for a moment. “How’s everything there?”

“Not too bad. The businesses are busier than ever, and Jovi has been behaving,” he tells me.

I giggle a little, mostly out of nerves. “That’s good. How’s Ace and Kynlee?” Axell makes a gagging noise which makes me laugh. “That bad?” I ask.

“Are you kidding me? They’re worse. I’ve never seen two people be so full of PDA in my life.” Axell exclaims.

I laugh. “Well, good! They deserve it.”

“Oh no, don’t encourage it,” Axell says sounding exasperating, but then he chuckles, and I know he’s just kidding. “How’s your mom?”

My mood quickly sombers. “More or less how I expected,” I whisper into the phone.

I hear Axell sigh. “Talk to me.”

“I knew coming here what her diagnosis was, but even with that I wasn’t prepared.

I think in some way I just kept telling myself she’d be okay but then I got here, and I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.

Seeing her made it all sink in. Just since I’ve been here her health has declined.

She had a homecare nurse that came in twice a day, but we had a doctor’s appointment today and now she’s been moved over to Hospice.

She sleeps most of the time. I know what’s coming, yet I’m still not prepared for it,” I confess to him.

I wouldn’t tell anyone else this but for some reason I always open up to him.

“I’m so sorry Sadie,” Axell tells me. “I know this isn’t easy on you despite the complicated relationship the two of you had. Unfortunately, nothing will prepare you for what’s coming.”

“Yeah,” I mumble into the phone as I reach up to wipe the tears that have silently escaped from my eyes. I didn’t even realize that I was crying.

“Baby, don’t cry.” I know that Axell calling me baby is just out of habit, but I can’t help but feel like there’s hope still. “How’s Drake?”

“Do you want to talk about this?” I ask.

Axell takes a moment before answering. “Drake is your son which makes him mine too. If we’re going to move forward, then we’re going to have to talk about this. It doesn’t matter how hard or awkward it is.”

His words make my heart melt. I always knew he’d accept Drake but hearing him say it just makes me love him so much more. “Is there a chance for us to move forward, Axell?”

“I’m trying to figure out how. I don’t want to lose you, Sadie. I do love you.”

I’m trying to keep from crying again. “I love you too. I really do. I’ve been trying to keep in touch.”

“I know you have. I just wasn’t ready. I just decided to answer tonight because…well, hell I don’t know. I just needed to hear your voice,” he confesses.

We’ll get past this I think to myself. “I’m glad you did. I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear your voice until you answered.”

“So, are you going to answer my question?” he asks with a chuckle.

“Drake is great. He’s a great kid. A lot like Jovi but of course things between us are awkward. I knew they would be but it’s harder than I thought it would be,” I tell him.

“I can only imagine but he’ll come around eventually. Are you coming back?” Axell asks and his tone catches me off guard. He almost sounds worried.

“Yes, of course, why would you ask that?”

He releases what sounds like a breath of relief. “Because you have a son and his life is there. I just thought maybe you’d want to stay there, I don’t know.”

“No, this isn’t my home. I know this is all Drake knows but I think he’ll be okay in L.A. He’ll learn to adjust. My life is there, and I have to come back.”

“Good, I was thinking we could take the extra room and make it his,” Axell tells me.

Tears do escape from hearing him say that. We’ve been at such a loss that I was wondering if we’d ever get here. “Thank you.”

“For what?” he asks.

“For being you. You always think about somebody else.”

“You know I’d do anything for you,” he says quietly.

I sigh. “I know. I need to talk to Drake soon.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

“Yeah, I’ll do it tomorrow.” I yawn which Axell doesn’t miss.

“Go get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow,” Axell tells me.

I smile. “Okay, I will. Sleep well Ax.”

“You too. Good night.”

Before he hangs up, I stop him. “Ax?”

“Yeah?” he asks.

“I love you,” I tell him one more time for good measure.

“I know. I love you too.” And with that the line goes dead.

We still have a lot to figure out, but we’ve made progress today and that makes me feel better about our future.

Now, I just need to talk to Drake tomorrow and get things situated with him, but for now I’m going to bed.

My stomach still feels a little queasy. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll feel back to normal.

For the first time in months I climb into bed feeling relaxed.

No more lies hang between Axell and I and that is like a weight taken off me.