Page 20 of Let the Game Begin (Kiss Me Like You Love Me #1)

Neil

I miscalculated.

I had miscalculated everything because of a girl with ocean eyes and an angel’s face who had invaded my house, my libido, and my brain.

I had to get her out of my head.

Selene had no idea who I really was and the kind of burdens I bore. She was innocent, and I should have been thinking of her as a little sister, but instead I could only picture her underneath me, screaming my name.

I didn’t deserve her. I was a deviant, a demon of perversion squatted in the innermost part of my soul. It sat upon a throne in my heart and was suffocating me, killing me slowly. That was why I couldn’t help but destroy everything I touched.

I leaned against the door and crossed my arms as I observed Jennifer, her tight miniskirt riding up her hips and her flowing blond hair—the part of her that excited me most—hanging down.

I knew her lost phone was just a ruse to eke out a little more time with me, but I decided to play along because I still—as always—wanted to fuck.

“Come and get what you want,” I ordered, gesturing for her to approach. It was satisfying in an unhealthy way: using her, humiliating her, treating her like an object upon which I could vent my darkest instincts and not just in the bedroom.

In exchange, I gave her my body because I had nothing else to offer.

My soul had been torn from me long ago. I was a fallen angel surrounded by the paper swallows from a Carrieri book.

I was trying to shake off the dust, to open my broken wings and tend to the wounds inside me.

I was trying to endure, to subdue the fires of hell, but all I could manage was hobbling around on the rubble.

It felt bad, behaving that way. I was disgusted with myself, but at the same time, I had no other means of communicating with other people, and I still hoped that someday, someone might understand me. So far, no one had.

Jennifer didn’t, either. Instead, she gave me a seductive smile and obeyed me promptly.

I immediately grabbed her by the arm, shoving her against the door face-first. Gentleness wasn’t my strong suit, but she enjoyed that about me.

She loved it when I acted like an animal.

And hadn’t I been spat out by society? Crushed like a worm?

So why should I treat people with a respect they’d never shown me?

I shook my head and put a stop to my thinking, determined to get some relief from my constant torments in sex. I could sense her arousal, and it gratified me.

Jennifer wanted me.

I pressed a kiss against her neck and shoved her skirt up over her hips. I wasn’t one for a lot of sweet nothings or foreplay—oral sex was a concession that I made only rarely—but a few kisses and touches were usually enough to get my prey wet for me anyway.

I touched her all over, from her firm breasts to her slim thighs and her high ass. I did worship women, in my own way.

I slid my hand between her partially opened legs and pulled her thong to one side before pressing two fingers inside her.

She was already warm and yielding, ready to take my cock, which women typically described as “impressive.” Jennifer panted, turning to lick my neck. It was the erogenous zone that immediately triggered my animal instincts.

I partially closed my eyes. I could feel my body tensing as my muscles contracted. I needed to come hard and find oblivion in an overpowering orgasm that I hoped wouldn’t take too long to arrive, as had been happening more and more to me lately.

I tugged down my pants and retrieved a condom from my pocket.

I rolled it on as I bent her over in front of me, pushing myself between her ass cheeks.

Her tight ass was a nice distraction as I gripped her hair in my fist and started thrusting, sucking and biting her bent neck.

With one hand, I teased her pussy, which was drenched for me.

As I did this, the sound of Jennifer’s body slamming into the door echoed around the room.

I rested my forehead on the back of her neck, but I didn’t stop thrusting.

I sank into her again and again, without regard for her, without sensitivity, without respect.

My hips moved desperately, pounding her with strong, decisive blows.

Jennifer jerked and moaned. A couple of times she asked me to slow down but I paid her no mind. Every time she pleaded with me, I slapped her ass and pushed myself deeper.

I tried to concentrate on her and our entanglement, but I couldn’t seem to fully abandon myself to pleasure. I’d never been a two-pump chump, and sex always lasted a little longer than I’d like, but this time I was getting an unfamiliar feeling of confusion.

My thrusts were too controlled. Mechanical. Something wasn’t right.

I stopped and pulled out of Jennifer, staring at the globes of her ass, which were red from the unrestrained slaps I’d given her. I was about to drive back into her again when I felt a sudden anger rising up within me.

I didn’t know what was happening to me.

I blinked repeatedly and didn’t move. Jennifer got down on her knees in front of me and peeled off the condom. Then she looked me right in the eye as she took me in her mouth.

My blondie knew me so well. She knew that when I was feeling unsettled, I needed to receive pleasure rather than give it. In that moment, though, it was more than just a typical male desire.

I closed my eyes and Selene appeared in my mind’s eye.

I couldn’t remember exactly what had happened between us the night before, but I imagined how it would have felt, penetrating her soft body, losing myself in those ocean eyes as I watched them flood with desire.

I imagined hearing her shy yet sensual gasps, feeling her little pink nails sink into my back flesh with each thrust while her flexed thighs strangled my hips.

And more: her cheeks painted a delicate pink with every filthy word I said, the way she bit her plump lower lip, the silky hair that slid through my fingers, and the smell of coconut that intoxicated me.

I opened my eyes and stared at Jen’s blond head between my thighs. I wondered if Selene had ever fooled around like this, if she was even capable of using her tongue in such a sinful way. I wondered what her inexperienced mouth would feel like around me. I felt a tremor in the bottom of my abdomen.

All at once, my arousal evaporated. I yanked away from Jennifer and pulled up my boxers and pants.

Game over.

“Get out.” I walked over to my desk and picked up a pack of Winstons. I needed a smoke and to clear my head.

“What’s your deal? Have you lost your mind?

” she demanded, still on her knees with her makeup smeared, her lips shiny with saliva.

She looked disappointed and furious at the same time.

One of her cheeks was red where I had slammed her face against the door.

The sight of her repulsed me and made me feel like an uncontrollable animal.

I was disgusted with myself and this madness of mine.

I didn’t understand how women could tolerate it.

“I’m not feeling it tonight,” I told her while lighting a cigarette. My hands were shaking, especially my right. I should have stayed in alone and gotten myself under control the way I usually did.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Jennifer screeched, coaxing a malicious smile from me. She had no idea how right she was.

“I never claimed I wasn’t.” I took a drag and stared at the glowing cherry on the end of the cigarette as it slowly burned. Sometimes I felt like that bright ember, other times like a pathetic pile of ash.

Jennifer left, slamming the door behind her.

She knew she wouldn’t get any more of my attention tonight.

Silence fell inside my room and I tried to get my thoughts in order.

I had to admit that I was surprised—that had never happened to me before.

I’d never thought about one woman while I was with another like that.

I didn’t even remember exactly what had happened with Selene, and that tormented me.

I knew that I was her first and that I’d taken her virginity, but all the details were fuzzy.

I felt an irrepressible urge to relive that singular moment between us—sober this time—and commit it to memory.

I wanted to brand her slender body as my own.

Out of love? No. Out of pure selfishness.

***

The next morning, I got up with the sun.

Ever since I was small, I had believed that by doing this I would be able to anticipate my own fate for the day and change it.

Obviously, it was just a delusion of mine, but I still did it when I needed to keep a wretched feeling at bay.

Like my anger, which had gotten increasingly unmanageable since I’d quit therapy.

I took a shower—the first of many—and went down to the kitchen for a coffee. Then, I went out into the garden and lit up a cigarette.

“Good morning, Neil,” said Anna, appearing before me with her hands folded in front of her, already looking tired. It couldn’t have been easy, taking care of a huge house like ours without any help. Yet Anna was always good natured. Maybe that was why I actually got along with her.

“Good morning, Miss Anna.” I stubbed out the cigarette butt in the ashtray and got up out of the deckchair. Anna tilted her head to look me in the face and smiled at me.

“I made breakfast for you,” she informed me sweetly with that maternal air that she had always reserved for me, ever since I was a child.

“It’s freezing out here,” she chided me, as I was wearing just a pullover and a pair of jeans. It was cold outside, but I didn’t care.

“I’m not hungry. You don’t have to worry about me.” I rested my hand on her shoulder and we walked into the kitchen together, where we found my mother and Matt deep in conversation.