Page 17 of Let the Game Begin (Kiss Me Like You Love Me #1)

“Look at me,” he demanded, and I raised my chin, distraught.

“I am so sorry. Genuinely. I didn’t want you to lose your virginity that way either but there’s nothing we can do about it now.

If one of us had been sober, we could have dealt with the situation, but…

” He searched my face for any reaction, but I turned away again so I wouldn’t see his pity.

It would have been easy for him to tell me to leave then.

I would have been just one more of many: forgotten.

But instead he was… He was being… I pushed him away and grasped the sheet, turning my back to him.

“I have to shower,” I said simply. “I’ll wash your sheet and give it back to you when it’s clean.” I continued, sounding like an automaton, “I hope you can get rid of that stain.”

I opened the door, and after making sure no one was around, I went out into the hallway. I quickly darted into my room and locked the door behind me. Then I slumped down on the floor and started sobbing, hugging my knees to my chest.

I had made an unfixable mistake. I would have to accept it, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I spent God knows how long curled up on the floor there wallowing in a river of despair, but that wasn’t the right attitude. I had to come back from this somehow.

I swiped my wet cheeks with the backs of my hands and got to my feet. I was exhausted, like I’d just run for miles. My heart was pounding, and my head was throbbing. A part of me was still hoping that this was all just a dream or, rather, a nightmare. But I knew that wasn’t the case.

I trudged to the bathroom and allowed the sheet to slip down.

I felt weak, my legs ached. There was a different smell on my skin—a smell that didn’t belong to me.

I observed myself carefully in the mirror.

People said that, after your first time, something changes, and you became a woman.

But all I saw was the same girl I’d always been, only with more guilt.

I scrutinized every inch of my reflection’s skin and frowned when I saw purple bruising on my right breast and at the base of my neck, right beside my collarbone.

Neil had also been drunk last night. From the marks on my body, it seemed he hadn’t curbed his impulses very much, but I didn’t actually remember anything.

I touched myself slowly, following the trail of marks and stopping at my pubic mound. My heart battered my chest as, instinctively, I dipped the pads of my fingers inside. I pulled them away covered in little smears of purple-red.

I released a tiny hiss of pain as I contracted my pelvic muscles. I was probably going to feel where he’d been inside me for days to come. I climbed into the shower and thoroughly scrubbed my hair and body. I hoped in vain that the spray of hot water could also wash away some of my guilty feelings.

After, I dressed quickly, putting on a clean pair of underwear, a pair of jeans, and a dark T-shirt. I dried my hair and put it up in a long braid before using concealer on the marks around my neck. I didn’t want to arouse suspicions or court any tough questions.

I stuffed the dirty sheet in the washing machine, and then I remembered that I’d left the clothes I was wearing last night in his room. There was no way I was going to go see him again. I had made quite enough trouble for myself already.

I had just returned to my room when someone knocked on my door. I hoped it wasn’t Mia or Matt; there was no way I’d be able to hold a conversation with them in my current condition. I gathered my strength and opened the door.

In front of me, I found Neil wearing sweats. His hair was damp, and he gave off a strong smell of body wash, as always. I suspected he must just go through bottles of body wash, because I had noticed that he took several showers per day.

“Your clothes,” he said, like he’d heard my thoughts.

“Yeah, thanks.” I grabbed them while trying to avoid his gaze, which made me feel naked, psychologically as well as physically. He had stripped me down and touched my soul—nothing was more intimate than that.

“Selene…” he said in a horrified whisper, and it was clear he wanted to talk, but I wasn’t in the mood.

I felt like a withered flower, and his amber scent was only making me more uncomfortable.

It was the same smell that had been on my skin before I’d washed it away.

The same smell that still lingered on me.

“It’s fine, Neil. I’ll be down for breakfast soon.” I was so embarrassed, but I managed a tense smile. Fortunately, Neil saw my unease and didn’t push. He left promptly, giving me plenty of time to prepare myself for the day ahead.

Down in the kitchen, I ate breakfast silently. My father kept giving me suspicious looks, but he didn’t ask me any questions.

I was grateful.

“How are you feeling?” Logan grumbled, interrupting my silence as he crunched on his cereal.

“Huh?” I pretended not to understand.

“After last night,” he whispered and for a terrible moment, I imagined Logan spying intently on us during the incriminating act. I swallowed hard and looked at him, alarmed.

“What are you talking about?” I played dumb, trying not to be overheard by my father or Mia as she walked into the kitchen.

“You getting blitzed,” he chuckled, and I could breathe normally again. Stupid!

“Oh, yeah… Let’s just say I’m much better now.” I got a grip on myself and breathed a sigh of relief. I was pretty sure I’d gone completely white in that first moment of uncertainty.

Of course. Logan was the one who had gotten me back to my room and put me to bed.

It was completely natural that he’d ask how I was doing.

He couldn’t have been talking about anything else.

I smiled at him, and at the same time, my heart did a bizarre somersault because I saw Neil come into the kitchen with a pensive look on his face.

He poured himself a cup of coffee, looking perfectly cold and indifferent, despite what had happened. With me. In his bed.

“How long have you been awake?” his mother asked him as she leafed through a fashion magazine propped up on the table.

“I went out to smoke a while ago.” Neil didn’t meet my eyes, not even accidentally. It seemed like he wanted to avoid me, and he was succeeding wonderfully.

And wasn’t that what I wanted, too?

So why, then, did his apparent indifference needle me?

I snorted at myself. I was contradiction embodied. Even I couldn’t stand myself ever since I’d moved to New York.

“Hey, Jennifer stopped by,” Logan told his brother, and my eyes immediately shot to Neil’s face, which reacted not at all to that name.

“What did she want?” He pulled his iPhone out of the pocket of his track pants and swiped a thumb across the display.

I couldn’t figure out why I was scrutinizing his every movement so carefully.

What was I trying to understand? If he really liked Jennifer or not?

He was probably going to text or call her right then, and what was I going to do about it?

Stop him? Neil wasn’t my boyfriend; I had someone waiting for me back in Detroit.

Well, probably not after he found out what I’d done.

I had to laugh bitterly at myself. I pitied this new person I had become in just the space of a couple weeks.

“Dunno. I told her you were still sleeping. She wanted to go up to your room.” Logan made a displeased face. Evidently, he didn’t like the blond with her tight miniskirts, either.

“I get it; I’ll deal with her.” He stuck his phone back in his pocket with a shrug.

How was he going to “deal” with her? I shook my head, unable to understand why I felt so possessive over a guy to whom I meant nothing.

After all, the only thing between us was one night of sex, and he’d had plenty of those.

I decided I needed to put some distance between myself and Neil and all the feelings he stirred up in me, so I got up and went into the living room.

Before I could get there, though, a hand grabbed me firmly by the wrist and pulled me into an isolated corner.

I could smell his amber scent, and I shivered.

“What are you doing?” I whispered furiously.

“Shh. I just needed to make one more thing clear.” His breath was warm against my face, and I had to close my eyes to keep from thinking about that last time I’d felt that sensation, when we were…

“Let’s hear it.” I cleared my throat, trying to hide the effect he had on me, though it was a difficult task.

“I don’t want you to be weird around me. We’re going to have to share this house for a while. What happened was a mistake. I understand that you feel bad about it and—”

I shook my head abruptly, halting the flow of his words.

“I don’t think you’re capable of understanding how I feel.

” It was easy for him to give himself to a series of strangers.

Sex was a hobby for him. A game. It wasn’t for me.

I had always believed that sex and love should be connected, and I’d never questioned those beliefs.

“I didn’t realize you were a virgin.” It was as though he didn’t know what else to say. Like he was trying to excuse himself or apologize, maybe. Either way, he wasn’t succeeding.

“This isn’t easy for me; I need time to process everything that happened,” I said, looking down at the place where his hand was closed around my wrist. It felt like my skin was burning.

My emotions felt unstoppable. I tried to fight them back, but they crushed me beneath them as easily as a stone would crush a tiny, helpless butterfly.

It occurred to me that I needed to talk to Jared soon.

“It won’t happen again. It was just a terrible mistake,” he said and then his gaze fell to my lips, and I knew with certainty that no one could believe those words.

Least of all us.