Page 49 of In You

Caleb heaves a deep breath, sitting forward to scrub a hand down his face.

Every muscle in his body is tight, almost vibrating under my touch.

"I got up that night when she'd rolled off me and went to sleep, grabbed a knife from the kitchen, and plunged it right into her chest. Straight into her heart, because I wanted her to feel how hurt I was in my heart… "

This time when he falls quiet, he doesn't move to continue to speak.

I sniff, losing the fight against my tears. Utter silence settles around us, and Sarah thankfully breaks it so I don't have to. I feel ashamed for not knowing what to say or do, and I feel that relentless tug pull even harder, but I beat it back.

"Thank you for sharing that with us, Caleb.

That must have been so hard to go through.

And as a child." She takes a deep breath and leans a bit further into the camera, her eyes turning serious.

"You had a visceral, human drive to protect yourself against someone who meant you harm. You were so, so brave."

Caleb makes a rough, disbelieving sound in his throat. "Brave," he parrots, now looking directly at the monitor. "I don't know about all of that."

Sarah nods soberly. "Yes, Caleb. Seven-year-old you was brave. And maybe that's what's drawn Tamryn's seven year old alter out when you're the most vulnerable. Maybe she comes out when she feels like you need someone innocent, someone that you know won't harm you."

Oh…

Sarah's eyes turn to me. "Tamryn, do you feel when you change to your seven-year-old alter? Do you remember anything about it?"

I shake my head. "No." I look at Caleb, and shake my head. "I'm sorry," I murmur. "I would like to be here for you as Tamryn …not as…" I trail off, not wanting to call myself what that monster named me.

But it's not even that I don't just want to come to him as my seven-year-old alter, I also don't want to come to him as Camilla.

I want to come to him as me. Why aren't I good enough by myself?

Does he love her more than he loves me? I think, feeling almost irreparably sad.

"It's okay, love," he says, making my heart skip a beat at the endearment, clinging to hope that maybe there's a small chance in hell we can make a relationship work. His eyes bore hard into mine, making me feel breathless and needy. "You don't need to be sorry for anything."

Our fingers tighten around each other, but Sarah breaks our spell. "Caleb, how does it make you feel when she goes into her child alter? How do you handle it in the moment?"

His dark eyes flicker and crinkle at the edges as he thinks.

"The first time was…hard. It was very shocking to see Tamryn like that.

Knowing what was done to her to make her that way…

" He looks at me, addressing me directly now.

"I just try to be whatever you need from me at the time.

That first night I met your inner child, I was the ice cream man. "

I melt, shrugging my shoulders up to my ears as a wave of vulnerability travels through me. "Aw."

Sarah nods. "Has this affected your intimate life?"

Caleb pauses, and this time I speak up. "Apparently I haven't switched during us being intimate."

She nods, taking notes on her tablet. "What's the plan if this does happen?"

I bite my lip, looking to Caleb for guidance, whose features morph into a mask of decisiveness. "There's not really one other than I'd stop immediately. Emotionally, I don't know if I could handle this, if it happens. I-I'd feel like a monster. Like my mom."

My hand flies to my tummy, cradling our tiny baby.

"But you're not!" My breath hitches and I reach out a hand to his arm.

"Caleb, you're nothing like her. You're considerate and sweet to me, and patient and understanding.

" I begin to panic, thinking I see him wanting to leave me.

Not wanting me anymore. My heart begins to race, and I tighten my fingers so hard on his that a flash of pain shoots up my newly healed wrist. My speech comes out rapid and just as panicked sounding as I feel.

"You are not your mother! You are not Calvin.

You are not one of my daddies! You're different!

You're different, you're different, you're different! "

My face breaks, and I put my hands to my cheeks as I turn in the seat, facing him head on, feeling my heart racing.

"Daddy, you're different. You're not like Mr. Calvin. Mr. Calvin hurt me, and he was always doing stuff to me and letting other people do stuff to me."

Daddy closes his eyes for a second and then opens them at the sound of a new voice that scares me. I gasp, whipping my head around to find a lady on a screen. She looks nice.

"Tamryn, look at me," she says.

I frown. "I'm Cunty."

I look up at the pretty woman with long black hair. She has nice eyes, and a nose ring. My eyes go wide. "Oh. Who are youuu?" I ask, leaning into the screen and touching her face. "Are you my sister? You kinda look like me."

She's so pretty.

The woman smiles. "Hi there. No, I'm not your sister. My name is Sarah, and I'm just here to talk to you for a little bit. Is that okay?"

I nod, and roll my lips, my eyes flickering around. I pick at my scarred finger and look at daddy, reaching forward to tug on his hand. "Daddy, I'm thirsty."

Daddy looks at me and then gets up, walking to the kitchen. I want to go with him so I can see if the dogs need food, but he's coming back through the door before I have a chance to get up to go after him.

"Are you safe with Mr. Caleb, honey?" Ms. Sarah says.

"Yes. Nothing's going to happen to me when I'm with him!"

"Honey," Ms. Sarah says in a soft voice. "Why did you feel like being here with us today?"

My chin quivers, and my eyes well up with tears as I pout. "Because daddy thinks he's a monster and he's not! He's not, Ms. Sarah! And I just want him to know how much I love him!"

I look over at Daddy who sits back down on the couch. "I love you, too," he says, putting a glass of water in my hand.

When the condensation slicks over my fingers I freeze, blinking.

I tilt my head, closing my eyes and then open them. My heart rate slows and I just stare at the screen in front of me.

"I want to go lay down," I hear myself almost as if I'm talking into a tunnel. My voice is hollow, a bit disembodied sounding. My body slumps weakly against the back of the couch as I feel utterly drained.

"Of course, Tamryn-"

"It's Camilla."

"Of course. I'm so sorry… Camilla," Ms. Johnson says, giving me a nice smile.

"I haven't seen you in a while," I whisper, taking a sip of water. "I'm sorry for being so rude, but I'm really, really tired." I put my hand to my stomach, lowering my eyes as acute embarrassment fills me. "The baby is sapping all of my energy. I hope you understand."

Ms. Johnson nods. "Of course, Camilla. I'll see you hopefully at our next appointment."

I nod, thankful when Caleb helps me off the couch. "I'll finish up with Sarah and then I'll be on in to lay down with you. Okay, my love?" he says, bending down to give me a kiss on my forehead.

"Okay." The smile I give him is shaky as I turn from him to journey down the hallway. A quick glance over my shoulder shows me that his eyes stay on my back as I retreat, looking worried, because he caught it. He always does.

Not even fifteen minutes later he slides into bed with me, naked. He wraps his arms around my tummy and then falls fast asleep for a late afternoon nap.

Though I'm so tired, I'm unable to sleep.

I lay awake while I smooth my hand over his in gentle circles, making sure he doesn't have bad dreams. Wanting to love him, because he's always been here for me.

And just like my savior always knows what I need, I'll be here to remind him of how wonderful he is to us.

He's wonderful to us.