Page 42 of In You

Our boots crunch along the frosty leaves. I don't even bother asking him if he wants a tour of the acreage because he already took himself on one, and grab a few pieces of wood from the side of the shed before making my way in and starting the stove up.

For some reason, now that it's just me and him alone and he's gotten his first impression of Tamryn, I don't know what to say.

I freaked out after she'd turned into Cunty, and now that he's here, I'm not sure what to say.

How to elaborate on what I'm feeling, or why I even need him.

Frank has always seemed all-knowing to me, like God's brother, or something.

That's how high I regard the man. And it might be silly at my grown ass age of forty, but in my mind, all roads lead to Frank.

"Well, speak. I had to come all the way over here, I don't wanna just stare at ya." He bends over my door, the same door I impaled Tamryn on, and inspects the carpentry and stain work with a hard eye. "This looks pretty good."

"Thanks. That one's going in my basement." I point to another more intricate door on the table in front of it. "And that one's being commissioned."

"So, this is what you do with yourself nowadays? Carpentry?" He turns to walk between the two tables, seemingly very interested in my work.

"Yeah, I mean, on top of the other thing…of course."

He turns his head and locks eyes with me. "Good for you, son."

I nod.

"So, despite the phone call I got the other night, you seemingly appear happy," Frank says, turning his body to face me now and folding his arms. His eyes are piercing.

Which is nothing new because they always have been…

but there's something a bit more raw in his perusal of me today.

He narrows them slightly, and gets that frown on his face that lets me know he means business.

"But I can tell deep down inside that you're more bothered than what you let on. "

I grind my foot into the floor, glancing away from him as my chest gets tight.

I knew he was going to see through the facade.

"Well, to be fair, the night I called you was incredibly fucked up and I didn't exactly know how to articulate what was going on with me at the time other than the basics. .."

He snorts. "To say the fucking least."

I heave a deep sigh, putting my fingers to the bridge of my nose and squeezing, fighting the urge to pace. "She's fucking with my demons, Frank."

“What good woman doesn’t?” He grunts a soft, scoffing sound and then shakes his head once, keeping his eyes on mine.

"What did I tell you all those years ago when I told you to get help, and then you ignored me?

" Though he cocks his head and a sad expression graces his face, I don't balk at it.

No. I try everything in me to meet it head on, like he told me to years ago.

The same advice I'd ironically given Tamryn the first night she was in my house, yet the very advice I myself was unwilling to put into practice.

He drives it home with his next words. "Now look at you, not prepared because you were unwilling to do the work. "

I lower my head in shame. Frank never was one to sugarcoat shit.

He crosses the few feet of distance in between us, but I'm unable to pull my eyes from where they're nailed to his boots.

"Look at me, son." I look up, watching as he places a finger to his ear and holds my gaze.

"Who can't hear, must feel," he says, his eerily silver eyes hard on mine as he brings that finger to the center of my chest. I tense, but don't pull away like I do with Tamryn. "And right now, you're feeling."

I shake my head. "I can't afford to feel, Frank."

"You mean you don't want to be hurt again."

I nod, my throat stuck shut.

Precisely.

His eyes turn warm, "Just say what you mean, Caleb. There's no harm in it."

Snow begins to drift down softly through the trees beyond the opened doors of the shed, and it looks like it might stick this time.

Though the stove doesn't need it, I bend and toss another log of wood into the furnace, watching as it spits and crackles.

I stay silent, mesmerized by the flames, wondering if my mom's burning in hell right now, or if we're going to be forced to meet up after I die so she can give an accounting for what she did to me before she gets thrown into hell.

And what about me? Am I going to be burning up right alongside her for all the men I've killed in my life?

Probably.

Fuck. Aw, fuck, man.

I feel sick. I don't even think I'll be free of the bitch even when I'm in hell.

"Son, a man who hates himself will punish a woman for loving him," he narrows his eyes at me, tilting his head in that way of his that lets me know he sees me.

"If this is something you really want to work out, then you need to reach down deep inside and start healing that broken part of you.

It's okay to be shattered, but it's not okay to let yourself cut everyone else up because you don't want to do the work to pick up the pieces. "

I stare off to the side, biting the inside of my cheek, knowing Frank is right.

"Do you love her?" he asks me softly.

The question brings my eyes back to his. That lump that wont seem to leave my fucking throat gives me trouble as I swallow thickly, not able to look away from this man's hypnotic gaze.

"If you love her, then tell me about her," he says, reaching over to grab a sandwich out of his cooler.

When he offers me one I hold up a palm and shake my head silently, almost grinning at the stunned look on his face.

"What's the matter? You never turned down a hog cheese sandwich before," Frank says, his eyes narrowing as they scrape down my body in judgement.

I scoff, putting a hand to the back of my neck and squeezing. "Yeah," I huff. "I’ve pulled back a lot on eating pork.”

He scrunches his nose judgementally. “Why?”

“The thing is one of her personalities-” I shake my head, heaving a sigh.

"Look I'm no clinician, but it's the best way I know how to explain it. One of the identities, Camilla, doesn't eat pork. Tamryn, her main identity, does…Looke, there’s so much here, Frank, that’s been bewildering, other than the diet changes when she switches.

The back and forth constant switching is enough to drive anyone crazy.

But that's not the difficult part for me.

The hard part is I love her, but only Camilla knows that.

What if we're dealing with this for the rest of forever, and only one of her personalities loves me, one barely tolerates me, and one of them wants me to be her dad. "

He whistles. "Not going to lie, son," he says, biting into his sandwich. "That's real fucked up." He chews for a second, contemplating. "What if she switches to the child alter while you're fucking her-"

"Cunty?" I say roughly. In my horror I accidentally let slip the real name of her alter.

Frank's brows about fly off his face. He even stops chewing, his lips curling.

"What the fuck kinda name is that?" he says after he coughs, pounding a fist to his chest. "Jesus," he gives me a sharp side eye. "You kill the man that did that, son?"

"I gave him a single bullet between the eyes."

"Oh, wow. That's it?" he asks looking stunned, and I bristle at the judgement in his tone. "Caleb…"

I fold my arms, shaking my head ruefully. "Yeah, I killed him before I knew what he did to her and I regret it everyday goddamn day," I say bitterly. "It's actually my only regret."

He nods, then looks at me expectantly.

"I don't know, sir," I say sadly. "I've been trying not to think about it, to be honest with you. If something like that happens, I….I don't know if I could continue to be with her after that."

Frank grunts softly. "Well, no need to get all dramatic and shit, Caleb.

" Now finished with his sandwich, he wipes his fingers on a napkin and then takes a swig of beer.

"You need to sit in on a couple of those therapy sessions and talk about that with them.

See what the therapist says. You don't just give up on a relationship because shit might get hard.

She doesn't deserve that, and neither do you.

She deserves to be loved despite the mental illness she's going through. "

I take a deep breath. "Frank, you know how I feel about therapists."

He eyes me. "Look, I take full responsibility for how incompetent the on-base therapist was way back when.

But son, you can't let one person who didn't do right keep you from snatching your dream life up.

That's foolish. And Frank Jackson didn't raise no fool," he says so sternly that my eyes fly up to his.

His finger comes up to point at me, and his brow pulls low.

"Now, I got a good look at that girl in there, and she seems alright.

Yeah, she may have a few extra personalities, but honestly, with how far to shit this world is going, who isn't a little psychotic anymore? "

I frown, clearing my throat uncomfortably. "Uh-"

"And besides all that, that woman looked at you with love, Caleb. Love. Don't you dare give up on her, I'll kill you myself. Hang you right up there with your targets at your range on the West side of this very land right here and blow your brains out myself. Do you understand me, boy?"

I blink, giving him a hard jerk of my head and then walking a few feet over to where my tools are, picking up a handle and a rag and start polishing it.

"If I asked her to marry me, do you think you could come?

" I ask softly, keeping my eyes on my pretend work.

"Neither one of us have family, and well…

" I trail off, not needing to finish it.

Out of the corner of my eye I see his chest puff out and then he grins. "I'd be honored to. Though, I might need to fly up next time."

"Oh, we're all flying," I say lightly, feeling energized now that I got it off my chest that I want to marry her. Frank didn't allude to him thinking I was too damaged to be a husband. "She's obsessed with the sea, so I'd like it to be a destination wedding."

He nods his head, and shrugs his shoulders in a dismissive way that lets me know he's not too particular with details like this.

We spend the rest of the day catching up, he asks me to come up to see Buckhead island, I tell him maybe.

But I can't commit to being a trainer, or anything like I can tell he wants.

And by the time bedtime rolls around hours later, Tamryn seems firmly in love with him.

Just besotted with the man. We walk hand in hand down the hallway to our bedroom, and it's then I just now realize that this is the first time she hasn't felt the need to turn into Camilla, and I wonder if this means we're turning a corner finally.

And for the next week, I'm sure of it.

Exactly a week later she has a horrible day at therapy, and has a nightmare that's so bad it scares me.