Page 26 of In You

What Happened

Caleb

Chronically alert, I feel her presence even before my eyes open.

I keep them closed and my breathing relaxed, however every muscle in my body tightens when I feel the bed sink under her weight.

There's a strained silence for a minute where I wonder if she's trying to crawl into bed with me for intimacy, but I cull that train of thought before it has a chance to take root because that's wishful thinking.

Foolish.

My eyes pop open as her slight weight settles on my legs, and at the feel of her body's sudden jerk I lash out, sitting up straight up in bed and snapping my hand forward, curling tightly around the slender bone of her wrist when she brings her hand down.

Why I was ever that foolish to think she'd want to join me in my bed is beyond my comprehension right now.

A large butcher knife glints in the moonlight.

I bring the other hand to wrap around her throat, narrowing my eyes and tilting my face close to hers until our noses almost touch.

"You may sneak up on me, and you may try to fucking kill me, Tamryn, but you will not under any circumstances straddle me. Do you understand?" My voice comes out deathly cold as I narrow my eyes at her, keeping her wrist in a tight grip.

The knife trembles because her hand shakes so bad, and her big brown eyes, full of tears, flicker between mine.

She's obviously scared; her chin quivers, her chest shudders with high pitched, desperate sobs.

"Drop it," I growl. Her breath hitches in her throat and I loosen my grip on her neck, fluttering my thumb across her thrumming pulse. Lowering my voice, I lean in close enough for our breaths to mingle. "Drop it, baby."

She doesn't.

The knife trembles even more, and vulnerability etches every feature as we stare each other down, neither one of us willing to yield.

My heart rate ramps up within my chest, going purposefully slow as I move out from under her.

The minute her body is off mine, I calm and let go of her neck, and can see things a bit clearer now that my heart isn't trying to gallop out of my chest. We face each other, her on her knees in my bed, and my feet firmly on the hardwood floor.

I let go of her wrist, and keep her gaze, tilting my head.

"Is this what you need to feel better?" I say softly, bringing a hand up slowly to her face.

My fingers tremble as I bring them to her cheek, caressing gently.

"Do it," I whisper, feeling my own eyes well up with tears because, I too am currently lost in my own hell.

I remember distinctly how freeing it was to sink that knife into my mom's chest.

And at the sheer pain bottled up in this woman that I lust after so much, I'd give her anything, I think.

Even this.

Letting go of her wrist, I pull off my shirt. Baring my skin to her. Something I've never done before, and bring my fingers back up to her cheek. "I'm right here," I croon softly, bringing my other hand up until I'm cradling her face between my palms.

Her eyes are two wide pools of despair, a vein pops in her temple, and her cheeks are red and tear streaked. She trembles within my hold, small pants escaping her throat as she continues to hold the knife aloft.

Something flickers in her face, like the grip of the nightmare finally loosens, and she comes back to herself.

On a soft gasp she unclenches her fingers, and the knife crashes to the floor with a dull thump missing my foot by mere inches.

Relief so strong that it almost topples me washes over me in waves, and I crash her to me as she cries, looping her arm around my neck and sagging against me as she falls apart.

I put my lips to her temple and rock her slowly side to side. "What happened to you?" I ask her gently, rubbing my hand in soothing strokes down her hair. "What happened, baby?"

She swallows hard, almost choking on this next gasp. "He -he…"

"It's okay, you can tell me."

"He broke my arm!" she wails, sobbing. "A-And he almost cut my finger off! Every time he'd rape me he would h-hurt m-m-me, Caleb!"

I hold her to me tighter as she just cries and cries. "It's okay, let it out," I say in a soothing voice.

"A-And he wouldn't let me eat, and there were days I went without water for so long I felt like I was swallowing razor blades…o-or not being able to take a b-bath or brush my teeth."

My strokes become more fervent, now stroking down her back almost to her hips now as I work to soothe every bit of her.

"You're safe here, Tamryn. I'll never do that to you.

" Careful of her arm, I continue to rock her, and eventually her crying ceases, but the sniffing and shaking doesn't. "Did you have a nightmare, sweetheart? "

She nods against my shoulder. "Yes," she responds.

Her shaky voice pulls at my heartstrings, and I press my lips to the top of her hair. "I have them too, you know."

She pulls back, her eyes searching for mine in the darkness. "You do?" she hiccups.

I nod. "Hmhm. Bad ones."

"Like, hold-a-knife-to-someone bad?" she whispers.

I melt, shaking my head. "No… sometimes I wonder if it'd be simpler that way." Her eyes search mine, and I sigh, my eyes falling from hers. "Like bathing in bleach, bad. Like trying to peel my skin off so I don't feel my mother on top of me anymore, bad."

Tamryn gasps, my clue that she hasn't switched yet at this point. My chest aches, and I struggle with my shame, not able to look her in the eyes until her left hand comes up to my face now, cradling me much the same way I was with her. "Caleb, I am so, so sorry. You didn't deserve that."

I bring my hands up to her wrists, gripping loosely. "Tamryn, will you…" I trail off, my eyes sliding to the rumpled covers of my bed and the two pillows laying side by side. Desire for something normal rises up to live alongside the pain that's been with me since I was a child.

"Yes?" she asks.

"Will you sleep with me tonight?"

Her brows raise and her head turns to look at the pillows, and her fingers flutter nervously on my cheeks, making me aware of how strung tight she is. Perhaps tighter than me, and yet here I am, selfishly asking her to give me this.

What I don't deserve.

Panicking, I turn my face to face her again, but she’s still looking contemplatively at the bed. "I won't-" I say hastily as my fingers tighten on her wrist, not wanting her to misunderstand. "I won't do anything you don't want. I won't touch you unless you want me to."

I cut my words off with an embarrassed groan and look away, wishing I could just accept her subsequent rejection like a man. Hating I feel like I have to beg for a scrap of affection. Affection I shouldn't even dare be asking her for. Making her feel like she has to…

What the hell is wrong with me?

Her head turns slowly, and I can see the wheels turning behind her eyes as she slowly brings them to mine. "Yes. I will, Caleb."

A spark of joy flickers to life in my chest, and, not able to help myself, I smile.

It's small, but it's there, and it's real.

I turn, pulling the covers back and helping her under the sheets. "Are you comfortable?" I ask, smoothing my hand down her luscious hair. I rub my fingers together a little as the strands smooth through, not quite able to believe we're doing this.

"Yes," she whispers, looking up at me through her lashes as I bend to give her a kiss on her cheek.

"Your skin is so soft," I say, nuzzling her.

Does she know what she's doing to me? How deep she's imprinting herself on my soul?

I can't imagine a life without her.

Everything in me wants to kiss her, but I don't dare. Merely lingering longer than proper against the soft skin of her cheek. Right as I go to pull away, she turns her head, and brushes my lips lightly with hers. I suck in a sharp breath of my own, and I freeze. Not believing.

But it's real.

She presses her lips harder to mine on a whimper and caresses her tongue heavily across my bottom lip, making me groan. My cock stirs, and I slide my hand up through her hair to cup the back of her head as I work to lay next to her.

We kiss and kiss for who knows how long, straining, sighing and moaning into each other's mouths.

The need is there, but neither one of us makes the first move to touch elsewhere, merely content to lean into our newfound intimacy.

After who knows how long, we fall asleep like that.

My arms wrapped around her, and we share the same pillow. Not saying another word.

We don't have to.