Page 36 of In You

Take Me Out Of My Misery

Caleb

The next morning I head out the front door and walk around to the back porch, sweeping off the little bits of frost that have mixed with the dead leaves on the porch.

Tamryn, Camilla, Nathan, and now Cunty.

Lord God. What the hell am I going to do if she sprouts another personality?

I wait and wait for her to come to me and tell me she remembers anything about our time in the woods.

Or her turning into her seven-year-old alter, but it never comes.

To say I'm shaken to my core and mentally fucked up is an understatement because right now my brain feels like the devil’s playground mixed with a children's trampoline park at the moment.

Whoever runs this fucking world needs to come up with some new verbiage to add to the English language so I can adequately express how I feel, because this is the most discombobulated I've ever felt in my entire life. Beyond.

I sigh deeply, throwing a longing look at the back door, seeing flashes of Tamryn through the screen as she cooks, wishing I could go in and get a cup of coffee to help kill this feeling that I'm dragging around boulders on my feet.

Instead, I light up a cigarette and sit on the rocking chair, dead ass exhausted from not sleeping for over twenty-four hours now.

I didn't even turn the water off this morning.

I want Camilla. Need her. But to my luck, Tamryn's in there frying up ham and eggs for breakfast and hasn't poured herself a glass of water.

At least it's not Nathan. So, I guess there's a silver lining in everything.

My heart hurts. I don't go inside, I stay sitting out here, too tired to eat because I stayed up all night last night terrified she was going to switch to her child alter. So needless to say I'm not really wanting to talk.

After a bit, she pushes through the screen door and walks to the railing, leaning against the post and crossing her arms. She's in a bad mood, and I can't even blame her after how subdued I've been since the incident.

I keep my mouth shut, but I know it bothers her that I don't even ask if she's okay.

But honestly, what the fuck can I say that doesn't bring up what happened?

I get Tamryn probably doesn't know what happened, but her subconscious does. She's not okay based off the look on her face and the fucking attitude she seems to be nursing, and neither am I.

"I want to go out."

"No."

"You don't ever do anything," she huffs, complaining. "You just stay here at home, and sit?"

Not usually. I give her a look and then snuff out my cigarette. "It's getting to be the wintertime, Tam. That's the time you fill the freezers and hunker down at home."

And when two mentally normal people fuck the winter away in front of the fireplace.

But right now, I can't even imagine touching Tamryn.

Right now, my heart longs for Camilla, but I don't know how to bring her to me in a way that's healthy and won't break her fragile spirit.

I'm scared to push, because what if Cun…

. seven year old Tamryn shows up instead?

What if Nathan shows up and tries to kill me.

I can't risk that today. I need at least today to process the shit from yesterday morning. Alexander's warning to put her in a psych ward echos around in my head, but I just can't. Even temporarily.

She folds her arms, and stares off at the trees beyond the porch. "I haven't seen anyone come to the house. Do you not have friends?" she asks in an accusatory voice.

Obviously seeing she's in a mood to pick a fight, I try not to let it bother me. I shrug a shoulder. "I have a couple."

"Then why haven't I seen them?"

I slide my eyes to her and force myself to take a deep breath. "My close friends live out of state. You missed Colin's visit by a day."

Her brow arches. "Family?"

That stings. "Why?"

"Because I want to know. So, family?"

"A dead half-sister," I half snarl, feeling perspiration coating my forehead despite the cold.

"Is that Camilla?"

I curl my lip. "No. Why?"

"Because her fucking name is on a sticky note on a pill pack in the kitchen and you say her name a lot. Even in your sleep."

I shake my head. "No. My sister's name is Flora."

She averts her eyes, looking like she wants to say something. She taps her fingers on her arms and then purses her lips. "Who's Camilla?"

I slide my eyes to her. I need to talk to her therapist to see if it's a good idea to speak about her other personalities with the other ones. I'm not sure how to answer that, so I say, "No one. That's an old note so I'll get rid of it. Sorry."

She rubs her arm, and it's then I wonder…she looks jealous.

"Why don't you have any pictures of your family anywhere?" she asks, giving me a slow, curious look. It almost feels judgmental.

I bristle. "Why are you asking me this?"

"Because I want to get to know that man who is telling me I gotta live with him for the rest of my life," she snaps, her eyes narrowing.

"That's why. So, answer the question!" We stare at each other for long, uncomfortable seconds.

"Or," she points out towards the trees, "fucking take my ass out there and shoot me in the goddamn head.

Because I won't do this again, Caleb. I won't."

I recoil my head, reaching over for another cigarette and lighting it up. I've become quite the chain smoker since she's been around.

"My father died when I was five," I say, blowing a plume of smoke, gazing towards the tree-line and away from her prying eyes and fucked up attitude. "And I think it drove my mom crazy. She lost her mind."

That's so much easier than allowing myself to think about any of that too hard.

I turn my head to the side and see her watching me quietly, her posture more relaxed than it was just a few minutes ago when she first stomped out here. My chest tightens when her eyes soften, just a little but it does.

"So, you're kinda like me, huh?" she says in a sweet voice almost like Camilla's. "No father. No mother."

That fucking anxiety comes back, because I don't want to talk about mothers. Especially after early yesterday morning. Hearing Tamryn cry out for her mom fucks me up.

I meet her eyes warily, then shake my head no. I'm so torn as to how much to tell her. Tamryn's not like Camilla. Though she's curious and even sweet at times, she lacks the acute vulnerability that Camilla has. The vulnerability that taps into mine, and makes my defenses go down.

With Tamryn, I find myself wanting to dominate her, to break that thing inside of her that's mistrusting and pushes back. I don’t want her to see me weak.

"No mother," I say in a rough tone. "Can we drop it?" Seriously, it's too much after yesterday. But she just won't fucking listen. Heaving a deep sigh, I scrub a rough hand down my face, feeling my thighs tighten now, the tell-tell sign that I need space. But she won't get a clue.

"What happened to yours? My mom died of a heart attack."

My stomach sinks. Because Camilla knows, but Tamryn doesn't and I don't know if I can bring myself to tell Tamryn.

I don't even know if I can bring myself to talk about it.

I'm still fucked up over finding her on the floor eating dog food and talking like a child.

My eyes snap to hers. "Tam, why are you fucking pushing? "

"Because I can tell it's eating you alive!" she says, her big brown eyes going wide. Her nostrils flare with how passionate she's being, and it hits me; she wants to fucking save me.

Save me.

I rub my fingers over my eyes and groan at the pure irony of it all. "Tamryn, please stop. I can't. I just can't today."

Goddamn it, will you just listen to me? I think.

You'd swear I said it out loud based off her visceral reaction.

She snaps her head to mine. "So am I not supposed to talk about moms ever? To be expected to never talk about my mom?"

I clear my throat. "I just….can we not?"

"You're taking my freedom away from me, you're not taking my ability to talk about my mom too." She makes a soft sound in her throat, and it's got my body tightening up.

I gesture with a hand, irritated. This is the most I've heard the word mom in years. I can't fucking deal with the shit. I'm too drained. "I'm not telling you to not talk about your mom. All I'm saying, is if you could please just not bring it up right this very second," I snap.

"Said just like a man with mommy issues," she breathes, scrunching her nose, and shaking her head.

It's like a punch to the gut.

I lean forward, narrowing my eyes at her. "Do not ever say that shit to me again, Tamryn," I say in a hard voice, not able to control my tone. "Ever. Do you fucking understand me?"

"Jesus." Her eyes go wide as she leans back in her chair, away from me. "Caleb, what happened to you?"

I shake my head on a rueful chuckle, giving her a shrewd look. "Just about the same thing that happened to you. Except it was my mom that did it. Not my lover."

Ignoring her stunned look, I get up and toss my cigarette without another word, bound down the stairs, and make my way to the shed. Needing something to take my mind off everything.